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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think your own children's needs should come first??

46 replies

Storminateacup74 · 08/10/2018 17:10

AIBU to think you should put your children first above other vulnerable and needy people in the community?? I have a friend who is extremely active in the community, she takes old people shopping, she does an awful lot of fundraising for different things, she helps in a soup kitchen and she also takes the homeless into her own home AND she posts it all on facebook. IMO all this help is causing her children unnecessary stress. Her kids come second to her community work. I have her 11 yr old sleeping over for the second night as her bed has been taken over by a homeless lady, so she is expected to sleep in the lounge. There is also another homeless person living with them at the moment and her daughter hates being at home. They can't ever go out as a family anymore as her mum "is busy helping people in the community less fortunate than them". The 7 yr old spends most of the time at her grandad's as "mum likes poor people more than us". Her eldest DD has spent most of the weekend with us and I really don't want her sleeping another night as it puts pressure on my own family but she is adamant she isn't going home. She is seen as an absolute gem in our community and her amazing work is very much appreciated but surely her own children's needs and happiness should come first - or am I being selfish.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2018 17:11

YANBU.

The mum loves the glory of being seen to do good but she has no boundaries.

Poor kids Angry

Solderingiron · 08/10/2018 17:18

That sounds horrible for the kids, having a revolving door of a strangers staying in their house and in their bed!

PeasAreGreat · 08/10/2018 17:20

the first few lines of your post i was thinking hang on how is helping homeless people a bad thing lol but when i got to the bit of a homeless women is sleeping in this poor girls bed??? what the fuck!! this is very strange behavior from the mother...

PassMeTheHaribosAmego · 08/10/2018 17:21

Sorry to sound dramatic but I think it’s a safeguarding issue too

sliceofcheese · 08/10/2018 17:23

If she's refusing to go home and a parade of homeless people are coming through the house tbh I'd call nspcc our a similar type place for advice. It may well be a safeguarding issue, it certainly borders on neglect if she's ignoring her own kids to do this.

Thisreallyisafarce · 08/10/2018 17:23

I'm all for charitable giving and doing, but my children aren't going to pay for it. Nobody is sleeping in their beds.

Is this real?

sliceofcheese · 08/10/2018 17:24

There are plenty of things you can do to help others without compromising your kids safety or happiness.

Bitchywaitress · 08/10/2018 17:29

This can’t be real!

Storminateacup74 · 08/10/2018 17:29

I must add this isn't forever. It is just for 3 nights as they are people she regularly gives money and food too and she found them in a bad way so she told her children that they are helping them for 3 nights. Tonight is supposed to be the last night tomorrow she is going to find them a hostel but I bet in another few weeks she will be helping someone else. Her heart is huge and she does so much - she made over £1000 for a childrens hospice from organising cake sales, coffee mornings etc all in her own time but it is getting a bit silly now and her kids are really suffering,

OP posts:
Thisreallyisafarce · 08/10/2018 17:32

It is not acceptable for your children to have to sleep on the sofa. It is, in my opinion, a huge risk to invite rough sleepers into your home with children. This isn't particularly PC to say, but the level of MH, substance abuse issues and criminal histories in that community IS a safeguarding risk. I don't care how kind she is being. Her kids should come first.

Deadbudgie · 08/10/2018 17:33

Didn’t a family die in Stourbridge doing something similar a while back when the person being helped stabbed the mother and son to death? The mother wants the glory of looking after people that others can see rather than looking after the people where it’s expected she looks after them

FrancisCrawford · 08/10/2018 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Athena51 · 08/10/2018 17:45

YADDNBU. It's admirable that she is so active in the community but there are ways of doing things that don't impact so terribly on her own kids. Imagine thinking that your mum prefers the people she helps to her children, Poor little sods.

chocolateworshipper · 08/10/2018 17:47

I agree with pass - this is absolutely a safeguarding issue - please report.

It reminds me of something Mother Theresa once said - something like "If everyone just looked after their own family, there wouldn't be any need for my work."

April2018mom · 08/10/2018 17:49

This is a safeguarding case please do something about it now before it’s too late for reasonable action. Poor child.

Cheby · 08/10/2018 17:52

Why isn’t the mother giving up Her own bed if she wants to help so much?!

Biibywiiby · 08/10/2018 17:53

Charity begins at home they say.....

SplishSplashSplosh · 08/10/2018 18:01

Does she know how her children are feeling? ?

If her daughter opens up to you, maybe you can suggest she writes how she feels in a letter to her mum.

steff13 · 08/10/2018 18:06

YANBU. The kids are entitled to feel safe and comfortable in their own home.

Iizzyb · 08/10/2018 18:07

Agree a huge safeguarding issue for the children & if she can't see it (I know sometimes people genuinely can't see what's right in front of them) you need to do it for them.

I would make contact with the children's schools rather than NSPCC. School legally has to do something. I'm not sure NSPCC actually have to do anything.

These are vulnerable children. Strangers would not be allowed into their classrooms even with a teacher and a room full of classmates and yet this lady is allowing them into their home. I think it goes a bit further than just the fact that this girl is having to sleep on the sofa although that in itself is quite shocking.

You are doing such a good thing keeping her with you so she's safe op x

ginnybag · 08/10/2018 18:17

Definitely a safefuarding issue. If nothing else, she's potentially exposing her children to the parasites people genuinely street sleeping are likely to be carrying as well as the myriad of health/mental health and addiction issues they likely have.

Its wonderful she wants to help but her children deserve to have a safe, stable and secure home.

JPinkertonSnoopington · 08/10/2018 18:18

She's a real Mrs Jellyby (a character from Bleak House). Total neglect of her own children, not to mention her poor husband (on the verge of suicide)

More about her in an article called Mrs Jellyby and the domination of causes on the incommunion website (I have forgotten how to do links!)

Poodletip · 08/10/2018 18:21

Please make sure the children's schools know what is going on. They will take it from there. This is not ok.

Athena51 · 08/10/2018 18:22

@JPinkertonSnoopington

Mrs Jellyby was the very character that immediately sprung to mind. Too busy 'exerting herself for Africa' to care for her own.

Unicornandbows · 08/10/2018 18:23

Major safeguarding please report this ASAP