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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off about not being invited to a cousins wedding

64 replies

SuperMonster · 07/10/2018 21:58

So- we're a close family- I'm 30 and still see all cousins regularly.
In July me and other cousins on this side of family were invited to - we'll call her Jenny- Jenny's hen do next year in Vegas!
They are due to book the hen do in November this year and not getting married until 2020.
Anyway- me and my sister responded we would like to come but will know for definite nearer time as depends ok budget.
Fast forward to last week and she has sent out save the dates - as my parents and aunties and uncles received them.
We have a group chat and one had sent a pic of the save the date and I said 'hey where's mine' - and only said this as I never imagine for one second I wouldn't be invited.
And her response was 'they are only for the day guests'
No explanation, no sorry etc etc.
Have been informed by another relative they are trying to cut costs as getting married in an expensive venue. Fabulous.
Aibu to assume I would have been invited to the day if invited to spend thousands of pounds going to Vegas for her bloody hen do!!??

OP posts:
WeeM · 07/10/2018 22:38

I presume from that message the cousins will be getting an evening invite and the aunts and uncles a full day? Not sure I’d be going a Vegas hen do regardless of what type of invite...that’s a lot of dosh on a hen do!

Matilda15 · 07/10/2018 22:40

I’d be pissed off, what I’d be most pissed off about is that she hadn’t been decent enough to explain the situation beforehand.

I’m sure if she’d said something like “look we’re on a budget and I’m struggling to invite everyone to the day so unfortunately I can only invite you to the evening but I’d love you to be part of the build up etc”
You’d have taken it much better, to cut you down in a group chat like that is awful!

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 07/10/2018 22:45

Good job you have a heads up now, you have the chance to say you're not going to the Hen do too. I'm assuming the attendees of the Hen do are not paying for the bride-to-be to go between them, although wouldn't be surprised as she needs to save money for the wedding.

TomHardysNextWife · 07/10/2018 22:45

You've dodged a bullet there OP with the hen do, and are clearly on the evening only wedding list.

My cousins and I on my Dads side were so close growing up, they were more like siblings. We bickered and squabbled, spent every holiday together. And when both got married, I was on the evening list. I've never forgotten the hurt to be honest, especially getting to said evening do's and realising the rest of the family had been there all day including very distant relatives.

TruelyTruelyScrumptious · 07/10/2018 22:48

Just reply- thanks- we don't attend evening only events at weddings so you can knock us off the list now if you need to save money.

sawbucks · 07/10/2018 22:54

This is why British weddings are so awkward. Invite to the whole thing or invite to nothing. Simple.

OP, my cousin did this too and he was part of my wedding party when I got married! He just didn't get a gift from me and I was happy to have saved my money.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2018 22:54

I don't blame you. I woudnt be going to the hen do and I'd book myself a holiday for the wedding date.

No need to buy her a wedding gift. I'd just send a card.

BananaDaiquiri · 07/10/2018 22:57

Something very similar to this happened between a group of male friends of mine. They had been friends since childhood, primary school etc. Groom doing well for himself, decent job and families probably helping out with wedding costs, but getting married youngish (early 20s). As a result, many friends still either studying or early on in careers and not earning much. Stag do was in a long-haul expensive destination, costing well over a grand each. A couple of members of the group said that they couldn't afford to go on the stag and stayed behind. Roll around the invites go out and those two guys didn't received one each!
Just rude. Your cousin is BU. If she is expecting you to cough up for Vegas you should be considered on the day list, irrespective of whether you an afford to go or not.

Aprilislonggone · 07/10/2018 23:00

She has done you a favour - saved you £££££££££.

Original poster
SuperMonster · 07/10/2018 23:01

Thanks for all the replies!
I am so so pissed off but I am also hurt to be honest. There's only 5 of us (inc other cousins) 8 or include the partners of the 3 of us.

And I'm not going to the 'evening' either she can piss right off.
It's my dads side of the family and he and another aunt are really bothered by it (normally an annoying play devils advocate type of person) - but I think this is now going to change our entire relationship going forward.
Not only are we not important enough for an invite- but we're not even important enough for a heads up about not being invited and why!
Urgh- families hey.
It just changes things now and makes me sad.

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 07/10/2018 23:06

Ive been to loads of hen do's where I've only been invited to the evening do at the wedding and not the day ceremony.
Admittedly vegas is very extravagant but a hen do is really just an excuse for a fun night out isn't it?
She is quite cheeky but then she might see her hen do as just a way to get all her mates together for a fun trip away, she probably won't mind at all if you don't go!

Observatorycrest · 07/10/2018 23:10

Yep families! I was invited for the evening of my cousins too. First family wedding ever and they were not poor. Decided it was cousins for the evening. Fair enough as its there choice but we are a small family or so I thought but distant relatives got priority. There was only 5 of us ..... and then my sister got an invite as she was the god daughter to my Aunt. They expected me to travel 500miles for the evening..... hmm nope and none of us went apart from my sister

Ignoramusgiganticus · 07/10/2018 23:16

It could be worse and some of you cousins are invited and some aren't.

What do the other cousins invited to the hen did think?

ineedaholidaynow · 07/10/2018 23:17

I'm wondering whether she thought you would just like the fun stuff, so a holiday in Vegas and the party bit of the wedding. Whereas, she has to invite the older generation to the more serious part of the wedding (slightly clutching at straws there!)

I have to admit a number of people who came on my hen weren't invited to my wedding at all, but in my defence I only had a meal in the town where I lived (nothing so fancy as Vegas) so mainly invited work colleagues, some of whom were then invited to the wedding. Other friends who didn't live locally were then invited to the wedding (which was very small). We didn't have an evening do, so didn't have split invites.

I hope I didn't upset the work colleagues who came for the meal but weren't invited to the wedding.

dinosaurkisses · 07/10/2018 23:26

Hold your breath for the last minute full day invite when she gets a few declined RSVPs!

Vegas- the absolute notions of her.

cookiesandchocolate · 07/10/2018 23:29

Anyone who decides to marry in 2020 I.e 2 years time, didn't actually want to get married. I reckon it will get called off at some point

GreenTulips · 07/10/2018 23:30

Terrible way to deal with things

She's made it known what's important to her - nice location over family

I wondered if Aunts got invited because of an expensive gift list?

MumW · 07/10/2018 23:31

I thought weddings were about two people who love each other and want to make a commitment to each other in front of their friends and family.

They now seem to be about who can stage the most lavish tacky event.

KC225 · 08/10/2018 06:31

So what has happened to the others cousins invites to the hen do - are they invite only? Are they still going to the hen do?

AuntBeastie · 08/10/2018 06:36

Normally i’m all for the bride and groom having whatever guests they want, but it’s really poor form to invite someone on an expensive hen do and not to the wedding. I would definitely not be going to Vegas.

Allineedyoutodois · 08/10/2018 06:43

Wedding’s eat people’s brains, I swear. You’re going to be invited to the evening bit. It’s a bit of an English thing to do, but not uncommon. So now have a think about whether or not you want to go to. What’s and can afford to go to Vegas. If not, then don’t go. If you think it’ll be a bit of a laugh and a girls hol with people you linkenthen go.

Monty27 · 08/10/2018 06:54

I wouldn't do it. No proper invite. Not going to any of it then. No way.
A card and a small gift. Done!!

Beaverhausen · 08/10/2018 06:57

IF you are not invited to the wedding then do not go to the hen do, simples!

FishesThatFly · 08/10/2018 07:05

At my wedding we invited aunts and uncles to ceremony and all cousins in the evening. However we are not a close family and none were invited to any hen/stag do.

Ours was purely financial. My parents insisted on paying for the whole wedding and STBXH and l both had large extended families. My Grandad wasn't happy so l said if he wanted to pay £60/head for his 22 grandchildren plus partners to attend then they could come.....he declined....

SnuggyBuggy · 08/10/2018 07:11

Inviting people to the hen do and not the wedding is very tacky. I don't know how close you live but I also think it's poor form to invite people who have to travel to just the evening do.

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