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Original poster

What would you do re 2nd baby

28 replies

thedocisin · 07/10/2018 13:37

Tell me your positive and negative stories re conceiving child number 2.
DH and I are 35, one DD age 2.3. Ideally I would want to wait until DD is 3 to start trying as I want to be on mat leave when she starts reception so I can drop her to school every day pick her up etc. Also wanted her to be a bit more mature so she can deal with the new arrival a bit better. On the other hand i'm worried that TTC won't be very easy. Reading a lot of stories about secondary infertility and scaring myself a bit. Took us 6 months to conceive DD1 - conceived every month but each time resulted in a chemical pg until i started taking aspirin. Had an EMCS and subsequent haematoma which i've heard can cause secondary infertility. Also about two stone heavier than when I conceived DD1 and now over 35 which is when they say fertility drops off a cliff. So just wondering whether to take the chance and start trying now (but if successful it would be a much smaller age gap than i'd like) OR wait until the right age gap but obviously risking secondary infertility issues which may mean not conceiving at all or a mahoosive age gap. What did you do? what age gap do you have and any problems TTC number 2?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 07/10/2018 13:41

I'd start now.

You work with whatever age gap you get.

DC1 would be legible for 30 free hours aged 3?

I've done a 2 year age gap (was lovely to be on ML with them both) and I've done a 3 year gap (was equally as lovely when DC2 went full time and I had some time just me and baby!)

ParkheadParadise · 07/10/2018 13:43

I was 38 when I had dd2. She was a surprise baby.
Dd1 was 23, when I fell pregnant with Dd2. I didn't find out till I was 5mths.
If I was you and you definitely want another I would start TTC just now.
Good luck.

NationalShiteDay · 07/10/2018 13:45

There's no right age gap. I have two with a 4 year gap and am on mat leave whilst elder DC starts reception. It's lovely, BUT it's a lot of change for older DC.

I'd just crack on tbh, that clock just ticks louder the longer you leave it

Wellonlyifihaveto · 07/10/2018 13:49

I had dd2 at 35 and dd3 at 41, I would start trying now. We tried for 3 years after dd2 then gave up and then we had a surprise a couple of years after that Smilegood luck

tor8181 · 07/10/2018 13:49

theres 5y11m between mine as it took 4 years of fertility treatment to conceive no 2 they are now 14 and 8

tbh school and work didnt matter to us as i was a sahm and boys are home educated

im 39 in a few months and we are talking about no3 in a few years

Birdsgottafly · 07/10/2018 14:08

I had miscarriages/secondary infertility and it took ten years to have another one.

At your age that would mean that it wouldn't happen at all. I had another one straight after because I was told that may be the only way that I would have three, but then went on to struggle again and have a miscarriage.

WoWsers16 · 07/10/2018 15:03

I wouldn’t wait - as much as you think about the perfect time and how it would fit it better then- realistically it may not happen as quick as you’d like.
I would start now- you never know- starting now may make it be your perfect time afterall! Xx

ichifanny · 07/10/2018 15:17

It took us 7 years and 3 miscarriages to have our second child , not to project my issues onto the thread but I wish I’d just started when I knew I wanted another .

mindutopia · 07/10/2018 15:26

I’d start when the time is right, not because you’re panicked about infertility issues that you may not have.

We had our 2nd when I was 37, when our first started reception (almost 5 years to the day after she was born). The timing was perfect. It’s been wonderful to be home for her first year of school and meant I had lots of quality time with ds too while she’s at school. I fortunately had no issues conceiving. I did unfortunately have a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my ds. It was just one of those things, bad luck, not something I’d attribute to my age. I got pregnant with that pregnancy 2nd month trying and then I got pregnant with my ds the first month after the miscarriage. Healthy, easy pregnancy and birth with him. I’d say I’ve really felt like waiting was right. We couldn’t have timed it better. We had some life again between the two when our dd was sleeping well and more independent. She’s just the right age for being helpful with the baby, but also can do things on her own when I’m busy with him.

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 07/10/2018 15:28

With previous gynae and obs issues and at 35, I wouldn't wait.

Thymeout · 07/10/2018 15:30

You need to think about the relationship between the two dcs, as well as fitting in with work etc. Realistically, a small age gap is likely to lead to a closer bond. They'll be at similar stages, will be able to play together and so on.

My first 2 were 18 months apart, and are still v close as adults. But there was a 4 1/2 yr gap between the second and the third, and the older ones were v much a separate unit. The third was treated as an occasionally annoying pet, rather than a sibling.

Ratbagratty · 07/10/2018 15:38

Go for it as soon as possible, took 6 years to conceive dd1, took one time dtd to get dd2! 2 year gap, I had age, health issues, weight issues but I think the pressure was off (from myself) for number 2 and my body knew it could do it!

BendydickCuminsnatch · 07/10/2018 15:43

ALL my ‘mum friends’ have their second babies in this last year. I was the first with a 2.5 year age gap. Everyone else bar 1 has a 3 year age gap and now I have a 3 year old too and my god they are beasts. All the newly big siblings are jealous or just ignore their little siblings. DS was just that bit younger at 2.5 when DS2 was born and absolutely loves his little brother. Of course it is down to personality too but it’s made me rethink doing the 3 year gap we were planning for DC3!! The remaining friend has a 4 year gap and there is a huge difference between age 3 and 4 in my opinion. So much more independent and yep would be lovely re school.

Dahlietta · 07/10/2018 16:02

We conceived DS1 without any difficulty, and wanted an age gap of about 2.5 years, but got a gap of 5 years as it took a long time to conceive DS2. We would definitely have started properly trying sooner if we'd known how long it would take. Having said that, the 5 year gap is lovely. DS1 and DS2 adore each other and DS1 is also a big help with his little brother. I have lots of time with DS2 when DS1 is at school so I feel he gets the attention his brother had at the same age.

You can't predict really how easy it will be, but I suppose essentially you are weighing up what would be worse, having a smaller age gap than you wanted or finding that you'd left it too late.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/10/2018 16:31

It's so hard for other people to advise you.

I've known people with age gaps of around 4 years. Some worked really well as the older one can really get into helping with the baby. Some worked really really badly because the older one had had more time of just being an only child and got much more jealous than the parents expected - sometimes when they are younger they actually adapt quicker. It's good when the older one is in school as you can concentrate 100pc on the baby. But doing the school run with a baby can be a nightmare and impact negatively on its routine and some people have said the holidays are a nightmare as there are few activities you can take a baby and a 4 year old to.

The fertility going off a cliff at 35 is based on an old study and as people live longer now it's probably not as bad - I think stuff I read said 37 was the age now where it's likely to drop. Of course this is an average and your weight and lifestyle will affect this a lot.

To be really frank if I was you and had had issues conceiving the first time I'd probably just get on with it, unless I knew that the issues I'd had before were sorted (eg if you took aspirin you'd be fine) but obviously if you conceived straight away you might have a shock.

Velmasglasses · 07/10/2018 16:35

I'd start now, there are pros and cons to every age gap and you just don't know how long it will take. It took us 2 years to conceive DS1, I was 36 when he arrived. DS2 is due in a month, it took just over a year (including one early miscarriage) to conceive him. I think the positives of the 4 year age gap are that DS1 is pretty independent and is able to understand what's happening. It's been lovely getting him involved with getting ready for his baby brother. He's just started nursery so it also means I can drop off and pick up while on mat leave, which is lovely for us both and also much easier than trying to organise childcare around an afternoon nursery place, which we would have struggled with. On the negative side, ttc was much more stressful this time as I really felt the clock was ticking and it got worse each month. I also worried about the increased risks of being 'older' and pregnant.

Flatasapancakenow · 07/10/2018 16:42

I'd start now, there are pros and cons to every age gap and you just don't know how long it will take.

I agree with this.

MrsRachel85 · 07/10/2018 16:47

Took me 18 months to conceive DC1 and only 1 month to conceive DC2. There’s just over two years between them. Ideally I’d have had a slightly bigger age gap but I didn’t want to risk leaving it any longer and then struggling to conceive again. I’d say if you definitely want a second child then not to put it off as there’s no ideal age gap

user1471426142 · 07/10/2018 17:32

Ill have a 2y8-9m gap when my baby is born. I partly wish I had tried a few months earlier because I’m worried about whether they will play together ok and she’s just getting that bit more civilised now and it’ll be a total shock to the system. The pros are she understands about the baby, has more empathy and I think she’ll be a lovely sister and help out (but that is personality rather than age). That said, I’m worried about jealousy kicking in as she had a shitfit when I picked up my nephew and gave him a cuddle. She just kept saying my mummy, my mummy.

I’m just thinking that there isn’t an ideal gap and lots is about personality rather than age and you can’t plan for that.

LellyMcKelly · 07/10/2018 17:34

I’d get on with it and be grateful with getting pregnant whenever you get pregnant.

formerbabe · 07/10/2018 17:36

Start now.

A small age gap is hard work initially but far easier in the long run, as they have more in common.

mehithappens · 07/10/2018 19:02

Yeah just start now. We had your perfect age gap planned ( 3 years) and unfortunately I've just had a miscarriage at 10weeks. Will try again but you never know. I'm 38 and have one DD.

Original poster
thedocisin · 07/10/2018 21:19

Thanks so much for all your responses it's really helped a lot. It's so interesting hearing everyone's different experiences. I'm so sorry to those who have suffered losses and wishing you lots of luck with trying again. Have had a chat about it this evening with DH and I think we're going to start trying now as will definitely regret it if we're not able to give DD a sibling. Coincidentally it's day 14 today so will DTD and see what happens SmileThanks again everyone for posting.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 07/10/2018 21:24

I’d start trying now - just saw your update! Good luck!! X

AndCallMeNancy · 07/10/2018 21:32

Glad you’re going to go for it OP. I think that’s the right decision and I wish you luck. I conceived my one and only DC on month one of trying aged 34. Started trying again when she was 18 months old and 3 years on, 1 chemical, 1 miscarriage and 3 failed rounds of IVF, we are still trying.... secondary infertility has been more heart breaking than I could’ve ever imagined. I wish I’d started my family way earlier.

Definately go for it 🤞🏻

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