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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DH over his loose lips

26 replies

LearningToDrive · 06/10/2018 16:52

I'm quite a bit older then your average learner - I never needed to learn, and then I got really scared and didn't want to, but now I'm finally knuckling down and had my first lesson today which was surprisingly fun.

I told DH a while back that I didn't want anyone to know, partly because I am mildly embarrassed for leaving it so late, but mostly so that I could pass or fail without any expectation or pressure (I've faced a ton of that from my own parents and have gone NC with then as a result). I've told literally no one else - I'd hoped that at some point in the future I'd pass the test and surprise everyone with it then.

Unfortunately I came back from the lesson to find DH had told MIL and she was asking me how it all went. She's lovely and supportive, as are the rest of DH's family, who she will most certainly tell, but support is actually not something I want or need for this.

I feel really, really upset with DH - I can't focus on anything what at this moment. This was not his news to spread and I so badly wanted it kept between us. I asked him what the hell, and he couldn't even remember we had this conversation (which is pretty typical of him). I know that this is a barely an issue, and it is mainly my issue (because of the stuff with my parents), but I feel so unhappy that my wishes were not respected/forgotten and that my stupid secret is now out there. AIBU?

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 06/10/2018 16:55

If you’d made it very clear to him how important this was to you, then I would be unspeakably upset, yes.

Coconutcreampie · 06/10/2018 16:56

I can't seem to work out what you are learning? Is it to drive/swim/musical instrument?

gamerchick · 06/10/2018 16:56

He's obviously proud of you and couldn't help himself.

I wouldn't be telling even him when your tests are now though. It really helps when you just do it without people knowing. The pressure isn't there.

Coconutcreampie · 06/10/2018 16:56

OMG totally missed your user name, sorry

Whereismumhiding2 · 06/10/2018 16:57

YANBU
But it doesn't sound your DH listened when you told him.
And it's out now. Just tell your MIL not to tell others as it was something you wanted to do in private without any pressure of others knowing and asking after it. Her son may not have listened but she can.

Tell your DH to wash his ears out and that you won't share private news next time if he's going to be such a gossip when you'd asked him not to! And also tell him maybe the next time he has a prostrate or private exam, you'll be telling everyone... GrinWink (but don't really...!)

Original poster
LearningToDrive · 06/10/2018 16:58

I wouldn't be telling even him when your tests are now though. It really helps when you just do it without people knowing. The pressure isn't there.

Thanks, yes I'm glad it's not just me. I wasn't sure if I was being silly about it.

OP posts:
Aprilsinparis · 06/10/2018 16:59

Loose lipped bastard!

Original poster
LearningToDrive · 06/10/2018 17:02

Thanks, feel better reading the replies! Yes he has form for oversharing! 🙄🙄🙄 He also has a really, really poor memory - I know he listens to me, but he forgets what I've said like the next day, so I've stopped being surprised when he hasn't done something I've asked.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 06/10/2018 17:05

You shouldn't have told the verbally incontinent dolt !

WhataLovelyPear · 06/10/2018 17:06

I'm the same - I was so fed up when DH told a distant relative of mine I was planning a home birth, which I didn't want "out there" because of pressure/nosiness etc. As it happened I ended up in hospital anyway so didn't have a home birth, which was exactly why he should have kept his mouth shut.
In your shoes I'd be tempted to stop the lessons and tell him why, but I can also see that's petty and cutting off my nose...
Gamerchick has the best idea - don't tell a soul when the test is. Also continually make out you're finding it more difficult than you are so you can take the test long before anyone thinks you're ready.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2018 17:08

I would be very upset, too. It doesn't matter what you asked him not to share. Your spouse should always have enough respect for you to keep your confidence.

NoLeslie · 06/10/2018 17:13

Yanbu. I have no tolerance for people claiming memory problems to excuse being disrespectful.

I say this as someone with memory problems to the extent of having an MRI scan, mental health appointments etc. I have to make lots of effort, and also make the effort to exercise (if I don't, stress kind of overloads my brain and my memory breaks). All types of dementia run in my family and I know how fucking awful real memory issues are.

Good on you learning to drive and good luck.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/10/2018 17:21

I’m glad you enjoyed your lesson 🚗

I would have been annoyed too. An ExDP was terrible for this and it caused arguments. It’s not the sole reason he’s an ex, but his disregard for MY privacy/feelings was certainly a part of it. If I’d wanted his mother/friends/family to know about xyz I’d have told them myself, as it was I would have preferred to have kept them private - as I told him

Missingstreetlife · 06/10/2018 17:31

You know he can't keep his gob shut so don't tell him anything you want kept private. What a drag

morningconstitutional2017 · 06/10/2018 17:33

I can understand your not wanting anyone to know about this BUT I think it's impossible to keep secret. Sooner or later during one of your lessons someone you know is going to see you in the car and will no doubt spread the word.

Questions are inevitable, "can you do a three point turn/reverse parallel park/reverse round a corner/have you passed the theory?" etc. etc. Plus they probably don't realise that passing the test is more complex these days.

Anyway I wish you the best of luck - I learned in my mid-fifties. If I can learn so can you. It's worth the effort in the end. And don't worry if you don't pass first time.

KurriKurri · 06/10/2018 17:42

I feel your pain, when I first started to learn to drive many years ago my (now X) H was asked by me not to tell anyone, his response - to set up a competition at work - who would pass first me (a middle aged woman who's husband would never take her out to practice) or his student at work (a 20yr old who's girlfriend let him drive everywhere in her car to build his confidence) the pressure and attention made it so stressful. (He eventually made me give up afte a few lessons because 'I wasn;t learning quickly enough).

In the year since our divorce I learned to drive (at age 57). It is really disrespectful to ignore someone's wishes, I knew if everyone knew about it, it would make me stressed and nervous, and I'm sure you have good reasons for not wanting it widely known. People can be as lovely and supportive as anything (and I'm sure your MIl is) but knowing that others are trakcing your progress and willing you to pass makes some people (me) put pressure on themselves. and it isn't helpful.

Anyway - I'm not suggesting you divorce your DH over this Grin (mine committed many other crimes Grin) but it is annoying, Can you limit the damage by making sure people don;t know when you are having your lessons, and don;t tell anyone when you are having your test (even him if he can't keep his mouth shut)

diddl · 06/10/2018 17:45

"I'd hoped that at some point in the future I'd pass the test and surprise everyone with it then."

You might still be able to.

I had lessons as a 17yr old living with my mum & dad.

Didn't tell them when any tests were though.
(Took two)

It means that you might keep important stuff from him in the future though-I would.

Also, I realise that this was important to you that it be kept quiet-after you've asked him to keep schtum, he doesn't get to "forget".

gamerchick · 06/10/2018 18:33

He also has a really, really poor memory - I know he listens to me, but he forgets what I've said like the next day, so I've stopped being surprised when he hasn't done something I've asked

Yet he remembered you were taking driving lessons?

Original poster
LearningToDrive · 06/10/2018 18:34

Thanks everyone, you've all been so lovely and understanding. I spoke to MIL just now and started with "DH wasn't meant to tell anyone about the driving lessons..." and she immediately got it and said good luck, she understood the pressure, and she wouldn't ask me about it again unless I wanted to talk about it until I passed, in which case she'd want to know 😊. DH apologised again too, but we'll have a proper chat about it later. Yeah, I don't know what to do about his "forgetfulness". He's usually quite considerate, even with his verbal diarrhoea. But if I make sure I pull him up on the times that he's not, then maybe he will try to be more mindful and stop himself before oversharing in the future. Maybe. 🙄 gamerchick I'll try to remember that he's proud of me too. 😊

Not telling anyone about the actual test is a really good idea - I'm going to follow through with that one.

OP posts:
HashTagLil · 06/10/2018 18:36

Your MIL sounds lovely. Good luck with your lessons.

BiscuitDrama · 06/10/2018 18:36

My DH has a terrible memory too. For stuff that involves me, or the children. He never forgets stuff that would impact him...

Original poster
LearningToDrive · 06/10/2018 18:37

Yet he remembered you were taking driving lessons?

Ha, only because I've talked about them every day since I booked them. I.e.

DH "What are we doing on Saturday again?"
Me "I have my driving lessons and then your mum is coming to visit."

Every day. 🙄

OP posts:
gamerchick · 06/10/2018 18:43

God how have you not buried him under the patio? Grin

My husband was the only one who knew when I took my test. It really helped with people's expectations who knew I was taking lessons and I wasn't worried about failing because I would have just banged another test in

I'd strongly recommend it

Good luck Grin

ChristmasFluff · 06/10/2018 19:30

The sad thing is that until he proves himself trustworthy, you husband can no longer be counted as one of your 'inner circle' - the people you can trust to totally have your back and your secrets.

Just because he is your husband doesn't mean he is worthy of 'inner circle' status. But if he doesn't regain that trust quite quickly I'd honestly be looking to move on to be with someone I could trust.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/10/2018 20:10

Well on the plus side it sounds like you have an awesome mil!

But yeah sad as it seems I just wouldn’t trust him with stuff like this. He knew how important it was to you and still couldn’t help himself? Urgh.

Good luck with the driving. I was a late learner too and actually I found it easier being older and (mostly) wiser! Don’t tell anyone about your test. Just say it’s another lesson and then there’s no pressure.