To uninvite ‘DM’ to birth?

[Soontobemama1]

First time poster and long thread but please hang in there!

For background my DM is a very very difficult person to put it nicely. My DP’s split when I was 4, the typical mother stopped father seeing child because she was bitter scenario took place and my father got to see me EOW on the basis he paid CSA and extra in cash on a certain date (if he didn’t , he didn’t see me, court order or not, this was years ago when police wouldn’t of done anything) . Anyway, she is a good mum in many ways, but has major demons/problems and was very manipulative, controlling and emotionally and sometimes physically violent towards me. For example , when I was little she would tell me if I slept at my dads she would be in the house alone and he would sneak out when I was asleep and kill her. Therefore I was terrified to sleep at my dads, I wouldn’t tell anybody why as I was so scared and she ‘won’ because everyone thought I just didn’t want to spend time with my dad (I was a huge daddy’s girl and her behaviour still affects me to this day- anxiety etc)

She cut herself off from all 4 of her sisters, her father (basically all her dads side), most of her friends , all my godparents, hates her neighbours, my grandmas neighbours, anyone really! Could start an argument with a cardboard box!

I went to live with my DF when I was 10 through a court order where I was old enough to be part of the decision making, we then didn’t have much contact at all for years and then whatever contact we had was difficult/traumatic etc until I got back in contact properly when my grandma and grandad died 6 weeks apart 2 years ago. Since then a lot has happened and she has been great in many many ways, supportive of my DP (older and dad didn’t approve ) helped me with all sorts and I am obviously grateful.

Anyway this was years ago and I thought she’d changed a lot, however now I know this isn’t true!
I am 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby, However, I didn’t tell my DM I was pregnant until I was 10 weeks (me and DP wanted to make sure all was actually okay first at early scan, just my way of thinking) and she was annoyed rather than happy when we told her that she had been informed after my cousin (who is basically like my sister and was told at 3 weeks as I needed to tell someone!). She straight away said ‘well I’ll be annoyed if Im not in the room when you give birth’ and I said oh you can be if you like. 1. Because I was on cloud 9 announcing the baby and was feeling very positive about mine and my DM’s relationship 2. I didn’t want any arguments if I said no (which there would be)

Since being pregnant for the last few months, my hormones and thoughts have changed a lot and she has acted strangely on many occasions throughout my pregnancy. A few examples, she rang me in hysterics (knowing I’d only just been released from hospital hours earlier due to horrendous pains in stomach thought I was miscarrying etc) about some colleague at work and starting saying ‘I’ve definatley got baby brain my hormones are everywhere’. when my grandma paid for our nursery furniture my DM wanted it delivered and assembled to her house (???) however on being corrected she didn’t argue just sulked, she is also point blank refusing to be called grandma, nana, nan or any of the appropriate wording for a bloody grandmother, she has come up with some ridiculous nickname she expects my little boy to run around calling her, which wouldn’t do him any favours when he gets to school. Whilst in the car with me and DP she starting talking about how she’s still having periods and could easily still get pregnant (she’s only 50, DP didn’t know where to look and commented on how strange it was), she’s insisting she hates every name we come up with and has a list of about 5 horrendous names and when we say no she sulks and says she needs involvement in the name choosing and that we need to adapt his middle name to her name!! the latest one has been discussing child care and stating she doesn’t trust my DF to look after the baby and that his partner shouldn’t be involved at all and that she wants to take a year off work to stay with me and baby,to ‘help out’ take over .

The most worrying thing is im having a boy and I’m my DM’s only child (obviously female) and she has always told me throughout my life she always wanted a boy and when her sister got pregnant with my cousin (boy) she stopped speaking to her for ages through jealousy and said she had taken the life she always wanted. We had a gender reveal and When we found out it was a boy you can hear on the video she took that she was sighing. I may sound neurotic but I’m adamant she’s jealous. a few years ago she asked to have said cousin overnight (aged 6 at the time), she had agreed to return him to my auntie at a certain time the next day, the certain time came and she had turned her phone off and taken him out all day, my auntie clearly going out of her mind and my DM didn’t return until around 4 hours later and acted as if nothing had happened. She has also done similar things recently with our dog (I know I know it’s a dog, it’s the principle please hang in there!) But she’s insisted on me giving her a key so she can take him out and then we have returned home 2 hours later expecting her to have walked him and gone, yet got home to her and the dog gone and us waiting around (actually missed an appointment) and she had turned her phone off. Rocked up 20 minutes later saying she had taken him on another walk as he was crying (hasn’t cried since he was 10 weeks old, he’s 10 months old now) I think it’s a power thing. These are obviously a few examples and my DP has agreed as great as she is with kids, he’s worried she would do something stupid like take him out for the day pretending he’s her son and then not return back until 10 pm at night or even just take him back to her house overnight and just not tell us, then make up some excuse as she always does.

Thank you if you’ve got this far!! My AIBU is that I’m actually worried that she will start to take over from the start basically with the baby, I know I’m going to need help etc but I’m a VERY independent person and have OCD and this baby has been longed for after a lot of heartache. Not to mention my DP is amazing,will be so supportive and is already very hands on with his other 2 children etc, and I’m possibly going to be out of it and not able to voice my opinions to her at the birth , ie could you just not hold my baby first as he is you know, my baby (she has stated if I have a EMCS or I’m too ‘out of it’, she could be first to hold him) and I just know she would start bloody shouting at the poor midwives if she wasn’t happy with something. Generally I’ve just changed my mind and think I would rather me and my DP only! (I’m private anyway and having my first baby is massive and me and my DM aren’t thick as thieves like other mother daughter relationships)
I just want some advice about how to go about this without her massively kicking off. She will anyway in one way or another, but AIBU or do I have every right to say well actually I’ve just changed my mind and want just DP there with not much more explanation than that?

Please don’t jump on the ‘she’s your mother don’t be so rude when she’s offering help’ bandwagon because her favours always end in more stress! Just here posting for advice and support really (if anyone’s got a difficult DM or MIL?!)

Thankyou for reading all of this!

Change your locks, that key will already have been copied.

Don’t tell her when you go into Labour.

Make sure the staff know no one is allowed in.

Don’t leave her unsupervised with the baby. Ever.

Stop telling her so much. There was absolutely no need for her to hear baby names for example. Start editing eg if someone else babysits for you she doesn’t need to know.

Please don’t jump on the ‘she’s your mother don’t be so rude when she’s offering help’ bandwagon

Believe me nobody will say this. She sounds like a NIGHTMARE and it is so important that you take control of this now and establish incredibly strong boundaries. Don’t let her be there for the birth, don’t even tell her you’re going in to Labour, wait til the baby is born and you’re good and ready. She isn’t at all trustworthy and she could be a terrible strain on you.

I have no idea what your mother is actually like - just your perception from an online post, so can’t comment on whether she’s crazy or abusive.
Giving birth is the most vulnerability creating and intimate bodily process you are likely to go through. You get to choose who you have there.
The easiest way is to not tell her when you’re in labour but that’s all the most dishonest way and likely to lead to post baby anger.
Tell her simply you’ve decided that it’s just you and your partner/husband who will be there. You want time together as a couple and as a new family. You’ll text her when there is any news.

Congratulations! Sending you positive thoughts for the rest of the pregnancy and birth

To be honest I’m with the pp who said not to expose your son to this abuse. She sounds absolutely awful. She terrified you as a child saying she would be killed if you went to your dads?!

She can. And will. Do the same to your child. You know she is jealous over having a boy. Frankly I would be holding her at arms length. Who knows what abuse she would give your son (and you).

Who the fuck gloats that if you had an emergency c section she’d get to hold the baby first. Hell I don’t even know you but I’m sending wishes for a calm and non eventful birth but your own mother is thinking of herself?

I think you have look at her objectively. You sound really strong despite your abusive mother. Maybe you feel a tie as the only child to stay in contact unlike the rest of her family. But you have to prepare yourself she will overstep the mark. What will you do then?

Btw if anyone took my baby and when they were due back turned their phone off and went out for the day I would be apoplectic. I would not let her have my baby.

Emigrate asap. Not even joking. She will be 100% worse once the baby is here.

She sounds unstable from what you've written OP. Time for you and your DP to start making firm stands against her hideous behaviour.

Uninvite her. It is your decision and I cannot see why you ever agreed she could come in. Just say you have had a further think about it and you have decided not to have her there and that you will call her as soon as soon as you can after the baby comes. I don't know whether she lives near but we certainly told our parents who lived hundreds of miles away only about hte baby at about 5 months and did not tell anyone at work until then and also told our parents we wanted to be alone with the baby to start with (they could come down after a few days or a week if they wanted to). However that was easy enough as we lived away and my mother took our lead in these things - very different from your relationship with your own mother.

Nor would I have suggesetd being present for my grandchildren. Even my parents my father was the one there. In fact he delivered one of us who came before the midwife, at home (he was a doctor) so we have that pattern in the family that the spouse or partner is there and the midwife but not the parents.

The worst people present that I read about where hated sister wives int he FLDS group where to show your true devotion to the cause you had your husband's other wives present some of whom you might detest and had to tolerate that. I suspect the natural thing for most women is wanting as few people around as possible so you can be quiet or loud as you want and feel quite private.

I’m really sorry but I wouldn’t let your child be anywhere near your mother, she’s manipulating and controlling. Never mind not having her in the hospital room I wouldn’t have her anywhere near at all!

She’s going to manipulate that child like she did to you (still doing) and it’s your job to protect your child. To me it’s a no brainier, make sure contact is at a minimum and never leave your son alone with your mother.

Id use uninviting her now as the catalyst for her to go off on one and cut you off, as she has done to everyone else. She will be doing you a favour. She sounds like an absoloute nightmare, and this is the tip of the iceberg.

You're definitely not being unreasonable!
But just to go by what other people have said, don't tell her when you go into labour. If she finds out, just make sure the midwives know that your DP is the only person allowed in with you until you say so. Also, tell them not to give out info over the phone without your permission (this won't be an issue).
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Accept help from anyone you want to, but make sure people are aware that you NEED time to get used to being a family of 3 xx

You need to start backing off and going low or no contact with her again. She won't change and is an expert at pushing your guilt buttons. It's easy for others to say "don't tell her things" but narcs have you programmed to want to please them, so despite your vows to yourself not to tell, you do, you want their love (which they can't give).

A child is catnip to someone like this. You will probably get the "granny's rights" speech etc. Withdraw and if she won't back off (with the accompanying tears and recriminations) then I would think of moving to get some distance.

Good luck (been there myself and could write an "unbelievable" book)

Start detaching now. She will continue to undermine you at every turn and it will be very difficult to detach from her later when your child has bonded with her and she's offering very tempting free childcare.

Just reading a couple of sentences of your post would be enough for me to not want her at the birth. You need to be as calm as possible and it really sounds like that will not be possible with her there. You, and everyone there, needs to be thinking of yours and the baby's needs at that time, that just doesn't seem possible for her.

It sounds like you have been extremely flexible over the years for a mother who has very few boundaries and massive expectations of other people. I would say, with this new chapter in your life, with your DP and DF support, it's time to start thinking about what you want and your needs, before your mother's.

Ideally everyone one would have appropriate boundaries and expectations but sadly they don't. Which means others have to push through and put these boundaries in place yourself, even if if it means some upset.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It sounds truly horrid and stressful. Xx

Please don’t jump on the ‘she’s your mother don’t be so rude when she’s offering help’ bandwagon

This stood out for me, because I feel this is how she makes you feel!

Every time ask yourself ..... would you allow 'friend' to treat you this way?

You need some stock answers 'thanks we'll think about that' 'thanks for the offer but we're sorted' 'no need to pop round were on our way out'

Stop over sharing 'we're not discussing names at the moment'

Keep on! She will stop eventually

*QueenOfCatan
*
Change your locks regardless, I'll bet she has had a key cut when she's had your key.

This was the first thing I thought too, please change your locks OP.

As others advise start detaching now. It's the only way. What does she bring to your life? Anything positive at all or just the fact she's your mum?.

Believe me it'l get worse. A lot of similarities I read there regarding my mum and I'm only just realising at nearly 50 that it's her with the problems. She turned up when I was in labour to my horror when I clearly told her tbh I don't even want my partner there either. Tried to butt in to the midwife appointments too. I wanted my privacy. It was as if I wasn't allowed to do anything without her consent!

Now it's at the stage I don't want contact at all.
Please just don't tell her anything..You're not obliged to tell her or notify her of going into labour. You're an adult now and she has to understand she can't keep controlling you.
She'l have to wake up and realise this with your tough actions!!
When baby's here then let her visit on your terms. She'l have to sulk if it's not what she wants. Good luck.

Please don’t jump on the ‘she’s your mother don’t be so rude when she’s offering help’ bandwagon

Quite the opposite. Everyone will be thinking keep your son (and husband) well away from this harmful person. The harm she is doing to your family far outweighs any help that she can offer. You share too much info with her imo. Don't forget that you're an adult woman who doesn't need her approval any more. The relatives who are no contact really have the right idea here.

Given your husband is older, it might be easier for him to stand up against her.

I agree with others about changing the locks. She's cunning enough to have keys cut.

I'd never, ever let her take the baby out for a walk or mind him while nobody else is there. Ever.

I would tell her the hospital's policy over Christmas is one birth partner only and that is going to be your husband.

Does she live near you? Will she expect to be with you at Christmas?

I think you shouldn't have given her the correct due date, really. It's a shame you didn't give her a date that was a couple of weeks off.

I wouldn't tell her when you go into labour. It will stress you out.

Tell her the name after the baby's born and say you registered it in hospital so there's no chance of changing it.

She sound appalling - I'm surprised you haven't moved far away from her, but I suppose you are stuck on that because of your husband's children.

I've definatley got baby brain my hormones are everywhere

assemble the nursery furniture at hers

she’s still having periods and could easily still get pregnant

she always wanted a boy and when her sister got pregnant with my cousin (boy) she stopped speaking to her for ages through jealousy

She will absoloutley try and take your son out and about on his own and pretend he is hers. She is batshit.

Christ alive she's mental. I think you've become so accustomed to her dysfunction you don't really see how bad she is. Yes you should absolutely not have her at the birth and never ever ever let her have your child on her own. I'd go low or no-contact altogether if i were you tbh.

You say she is a good mum 'in many ways'yet as I read your first post, all I see are examples of appalling parent skills - telling you your dad would sneak out and kill her if you slept at his house! And your subsequent posts just confirm how bad she is.
FWIW, although nowhere near as bad as your mother, my own dm can be rather 'demanding ' and believes she has more of a say in my life than I am prepared to allow her. For that reason, she was told firmly that only those present at the conception were invited to the birth, she was not told our choice of names until the DCs were born (didn't stop her from reminding me what lovely names her choices were - neither of which would have made it onto any of our potential names lists) and in fact, with DC1, she didn't even know I was in labour until dc1 had been born!

I don't believe anyone outside of the mother-to-be has the right to be at the birth, not even the father-to-be, unless the mtb wants them present. She is the one giving birth and is entitled to the support she chooses.
As for what the baby calls her - that's up to the baby! At the moment, my DC and DIL refer to me as Nanny, but as soon as the baby is old enough, I am sure (based on what happened with my own DCs) they will come up with their own name for me.
I would actually be keeping your dm at arm's length as far as your baby is concerned, she sounds as though she has the potential to cause a lot of damage.
Enjoy your baby.

No walks in the pram with dgm.
Likely she will walk him to the registrar and sign him up as her own!!

She’s actually mad, surely?!

I’d go NC.

She is going to kick off. Let her. Use it as an opportunity to go low or no contact and stay that way. You are going to be bloody exhausted after the birth and looking after a little baby and the last thing you need is this massive amount of stress in managing her. She can and will abuse your child if you give her the chance.

If she had not given birth to you, would you still tolerate this behaviour?

I only needed to read the title of your thread to decide YANBU. It’s important for you and your baby that you feel safe and uninhibited while you are giving birth. When chosing who you want to be there the only thing you should take into consideration is your own feelings.

Having read the rest of your post, your feelings are completely understandable.