To think my dad shouldn't treat me like this ?

[lrachel044]

My dad has always had the ability to turn nasty and has done over the years.
Today I went to he's and I said I'm just popping to the loo can you cut along that voucher for me (it was a boots 30% off a gift ) and he had the scissors,I said just where the dots are.
I got back down and he had cut the voucher but cut through the barcode so it was no good.

I said you've cut the voucher wrong,you've cut the barcode and I won't be able to use it now.
He said I had told him wrong and I was to blame then he threw it in the bin..I said why are you going on like that and he grabbed some sweets and biscuits I bought him out of the cupboard and threw them outside ..and said I want nothing from you now after this morning.
We are finished,next time you ring I won't answer.
I said you made a mistake yet I'm to blame ?
He said he wasn't to blame and I was in the wrong then was screaming in my face.
This is always how he reacts..
He then went on to say I had now caused him to have a headache and we were finished.
I don't understand

I have no other family left.
I don't have a partner or children yet (sorry I know it's Mumsnet but it's just a nice place to chat )

My grandad died when he was babysitting me when I was about 9 ish (my mums dad) my dad said that was my fault because I would have been "acting myself "
I'm such a emotional nervous mess
I've had a good week and felt ok and now I'm having panic attacks again.

sorry meant to say in my case this family members father was exactly the same, and all his kids had to apologise to him for upsetting him no matter what he did. I guess its a case of not teaching old dogs new tricks, but you can take control if he starts saying things that are distressing you and making you ill you must get yourself out of there say nothing more grab your bag and leave.

He's a complete arse OP. You wouldn't let anyone else treat you like that l, would you?

Just because he's your dad doesn't mean he can get away with this. Stop seeing him for a while and try and get yourself feeling a bit better.

Do you live anywhere near him? Does he have a key?

I'd change the locks if necessary (or take the key back when he isn't looking, whichever) and sever all contact.

This person is a negative influence on your life and you have no reason to keep seeing him.

Family doesn't mean "right to bully". If a family member is a prick, don't keep taking it. Sever contact and live your life in a way that makes you happy. It's his choice to be an abusive bastard, but you don't have to choose to let him abuse you.

I'm sorry you have no other family but as he doesn't treat you like family you might as well cut your losses.

Better to have good friends.

I think you need to go to your Gp. Write down what you have here. Access some therapy and even try the freedom programme. He may be your Dad but he doesn't deserve you. I'm sorry you have no family or support to turn to.
Does he buy things for you which you might like? Never, I imagine he tells you you owe him? You don't.
Do you have any interests? Can you join a local group, art/sport/theatre/craft? Try to find some common people to befriend.
Beware of anyone trying to take advantage though.

OP have a look at the Stately Homes thread in the relationships section. From what I've seen other people post on MN it sounds to me like your F is a classic narcissist and you would be better off if you went no contact with him. for you

He lives around the corner (5 mins away )
I do have friends who I go out with but everyone still needs family...I just wish he didn't go on the way he did.
I'm sat here feeling guilty thinking if I just hadn't of asked him to cut the voucher it wouldn't have happened.
Why did I do that,it would have taken me a minute to just cut it myself.
I just feel like I always spoil everything.

You don’t need anyone who treats you like this, family or not. He is disgusting.

You will be much happier without him in your life.

My dad's like this. He's mellowed as he's got older and we have an OK relationship these days, but I'm a 30 year old woman and I always assume everything is my fault, because as a child he told me it was. It's really impacted upon my confidence and held me back a lot professionally.

but everyone still needs family no they need a loving, caring and supportive family.

I would hope you wouldn't let friends treat you this way so why do you allow this man to do it?

I am very minimal contact with my Dad as he always puts me down. In fact I am due to be in my home town next weekend and I thought about popping in with DH and DC but the last time I saw him he was mean and belittling to me in front of my friend's parents and then tried to say I was unintelligent. So actually reading this has reminded me and I'm not going round.

Cut contact, you do not need this shit man in your life. Call his bluff, stop pandering to him.

Fuck that OP. Better to have no family at all than have any kind of interaction with that cunt. Tell him to fuck off, move, and get yourself some therapy, because you need it badly.

It sounds like your dad brings nothing positive to your life OP. Let him stew. Don't contact him. If he wants he can contact you and apologise for his childish tantrums. If he does apologise accept his apology but break away. Nobody needs this stress and negativity in their lives. No parent is better than an abusive parent. Just because he's your dad you don't have to like him or put up with him 💐

what @kaitlinktm said

Why do you think he does this?
Does he actually believe it's me at fault?

Are you getting support for your mental and emotional issues? You're very anxious, poor thing.

Sounds like the dad is a bully and always has been. If you need to avoid him or cut contact, do it. Don't worry about why. If he's 'done with you', smile and move on. It might be just what you need.

As for the coupon - did it really matter so much? Did you have to tell him he'd cut it wrong? You don't have to tiptoe around him any more, but in the rest of your life, try to let small issues go, you'll be happier.

I think it's possible that his parents blamed him too much when he was young. And he can't bear to get things wrong as an adult.

My mother did this to me and I find it very hard to admit I've made a mistake. I know I'm wrong and I'm already blaming myself so the absolute last thing I need is someone else joining in, iyswim.

Having said that, I hated it as a child and I've gone the other way with mine. I think now that my mother couldn't help it because of her own strict upbringing, but it was harsh as a child.

Your father sounds like he has a narcissistic personality disorder-never wrong about anything,loses his shit if anyone challenges him,thinks the world revolves around him! I speak from experience my father was the exact same way. I learned to distance myself from him. Growing up was called vicious names by him “idiot” “moron” “clumsy ox” you name it but he was awful to everyone except my baby sister who favored his side of the family.
You say everyone needs family? No one needs this abuse! Anyone who cannot figure out how to cut a voucher out is either doing what he did on purpose much like what he said to you for example,when your family member died,or he’s developing dementia. My father would be enraged to see us kids sleeping past 7 am in summer but it was before we were old enough to have a job! We all had to be up and bathed and dressed because he said it “Wasn’t fair he has to be up to go to work and wouldn’t allow his lazy,useless children to waste away the day” I could go on for hours! I went to college and moved away refused to live in same postal code as he. I’ve sought counseling via my job’s employee assistance program but I’m still damaged from my childhood and teen years. You do the best to avoid abuse.
Good luck and remember he’s the damaged one not you

It's not you it's him, he's abusive to you and has been since you were a child.
You don't need family, you need to be surrounded by supportive people who care about you, and he is neither of those. You get to choose who you surround yourself with. You didn't kill yoour Grandfather because you were being you, what a nasty thing to say to a child.
He's not normal.

What teaandtoast said is spot on, OP. These things get very complicated through the generations, but please believe what everyone is saying here - this is not your fault. Very sorry you're going through this, it's horrible. But you do need to learn to protect yourself from him, and put yourself first, and stop believing his rubbish that you're somehow to blame. At the very least get yourself away from hearing this from him as much as you can and tell yourself that he's wrong. You have to change the messages that you've internalised, and it's not easy, but you can do it. You might need some help - all the advice here is good. Bless you honey. You sound so much like me about forty years ago. And I'm fine now.

Does he actually believe it's me at fault?

The truth is more probably that he thinks he is never at fault, so someone else has to be, and you are the only one there, so it must be you.

This is not about you - whatever you do he will find some reason to blame you for something eventually.

It is unfortunate that he lives so near - but you can still keep your distance and leave the running to him. Don't give him power over you by striving to win his approval, by apologising (you did nothing wrong), buying him treats or making contact of any kind with him.

He said he wants nothing from you, so take him at his word and give him nothing. If when he "forgets" he said that and comes round complaining that you haven't been in touch, you haven't done this or that, then your answer is " But you told me you wanted nothing more from me and that we were finished, so I didn't bother. Actually it's been quite peaceful and calming without you so in this instance I agree with you." Fuckety bye.

Before I had a chance to think I already told him he had cut it wrong.
I shouldn't have really.
I seriously believe he was the reason I developed my anxiety /depression.
One occasion he kicked my leg and I've still got a tiny scar. He used to rub curry in my hair when he lost his temper drunk..but I would always forgive him.
He goes from 0-100 so fast.
There's times when he can be lovely but if you say the wrong thing,then he won't speak for a week,he will be silent and when I ask why he will say that I don't know what I'm doing and the trouble I cause.
He will say it's easier not to talk to you because you make me ill.

I should add it was 8-10 years ago since he kicked my leg and the curry in my hair.
He just shouts now.
Not much but maybe once a month.

It wasn't a hard kick either.
I think he tried to kick the unit and caught me instead