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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu- suggestions broaching adult smoking car/lift children

34 replies

Whereismumhiding2 · 05/10/2018 01:43

I take my child (DD2, 14) with her 2 friends to youth club each week at 8. The other two parents take it in turns to bring home at 10pm. Neither can do earlier drop off, work late/younger DC to put to bed before partner gets home.

I don't do it when DD2 is tired or busy but pressure has been in last year, (now I share lifts) to take them most weeks as others rely on me to get 3 them there. (I'm lone parent, a few DC)

DD2 returned home early tonight, fuming as she (for first time) told me Dad3 often now brings along his adult son (DD2's friend's brother) who smokes in the car during trip home and his cigarette smoke pools in back of car as he drives.

She said he keeps his front window open but they can't open their back windows. And.... there are only two seat belts in back as it is 4 seater small car, when bro comes too. So with the 3 girls being collected, his DD, her friend, sits squished between them, in middle of back seat with no seat belt.

DD said it's been happening quite a few times Dad3 collected and she's not cool with it. (Me neither!) But as she wanted to go each week... so she hadn't said earlier.

She said adult brother comes along for the ride- isn't being picked up/dropped off to anything for himself. She doesn't know why he's in car too.

I didn't wait to think about it, and texted other Mum2 tonight to ask if she'd heard this too? I'm not cool with smoking in car with our kids , nor lack of seat belts for all, if it is so.

Apparently it is. Mum2's DD told her before too. She agrees it's not ok, any of it.

We need to address it with Dad3. I don't know him, as Mum2 sorts lifts with him, he never replied to my brief texts. He's v shy. Mum2 said we should broach it face to face, but he's just not around, and I don't want to cold knock at his door. I can't quite understand, as all drivers know it's illegal for anyone to smoke in a car with children in it. And to transport too many people in car for number of seat belts available . I know his DD well and she's lovely. And I can't think of what I can say that is constructive in light of that, other than "no no noooo, not driving my DD in your car! "

If I had no one else to take to club, I'd take DD2 every 3 weeks on my own to/from club without lift shares. Since it's a late school night for DD3 ( take her with me in car too).

But when I have to pick up DDs friends too for lifts , it's not a 10.05pm return home, it's 10:30-45+pm via other houses and back to mine. My DD2 gets home 10:10pm with lifts as we are nearest and straight to bed. My DD3 is in bed way before then.

Whilst club is important to DD2, she agrees with me that Dad3 lifts aren't ok anymore. Mum2 wants to talk to him first but I'm struggling to find words I can use that aren't "wtaf?! ". I don't want his DD being upset nor excluded.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereismumhiding2 · 05/10/2018 01:54

My AIBU is I want to stop lifts with his DD and him. And just be me and Mum2. I don't want to talk to a grown man about what's illegal and a tad rubbish. And I don't want to leave his DD behind.

OP posts:
Whereartthouname · 05/10/2018 02:10

Wow. Its illegal here in australia to smoke in a car with person under 16. I cant believe that other countries havent adopted this law. If it were me i wouldnt let my child in the car with them. My mil smokes in her car and it reeks. My kids arnt allowed in that car even tho she doesnt do it around the kids the car still stinks and thier car seets would reek

Whereartthouname · 05/10/2018 02:11

Sorry i rushed into commenting because this made me angry lol. Its discusting of them because they would know its illegal

weekfour · 05/10/2018 02:20

I don't think I'd be wanting to have that chat either. He knows it's illegal but obviously thinks the rules are a bit daft and don't apply to him.

Does mum2 maybe know him better?

Topseyt · 05/10/2018 02:24

Other than being blunt with him, I can't see any other way forward.

What this man is doing is irresponsible, illegal and dangerous, so now that you are aware of it, the arrangement cannot continue.

Purpleartichoke · 05/10/2018 02:33

there is no need to talk to him. He lacks basic common sense. No one should be smoking in his car even if the children are not present at that moment. No one should be riding without a belt. He should never drive your kids again.

Original poster
Whereismumhiding2 · 05/10/2018 02:47

I'm glad I'm not going awry in my initial reaction then
It is illegal, both things, in UK here.

And I can't see how any chats can resolve such a fundamental lack.

I don't want to upset his DD , her house is out of our way to collect, but I also see no reasonable chat resolution

OP posts:
SimplySteve · 05/10/2018 03:58

Attitudes like those of Dad3 really boil my piss. The child sat in the back centrally with no seatbelt is liable to be fired through the windscreen in an accident scenario. Not cool. The smoking issue is disgusting, wouldn't want my DD in a car where that's happening.

Shampooeeee · 05/10/2018 04:43

Just stop sharing lifts with him. No need to think about talking to him or being polite. He doesn’t give a shit about your DDs safety. She will soon be at the age where her friends start to drive and she needs to stand up for herself and not ride in unsuitable cars/ with bad drivers. You can set a good example now.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 05/10/2018 04:48

You know it's now illegal here to sample in car with anyone under the age of 18?

Tell him he's breaking the law.

Eeevvvveee · 05/10/2018 10:41

I think you'd be best off just stopping the lift arrangement.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 10:45

Aye I’d stop it, and just do the lifts between you and the other Mum.

Missingstreetlife · 05/10/2018 10:46

I'd be a bit ?? About the other passenger too.
If you can organise with mum2 that's ok, if not someone should speak to him or mum3

PuppyMonkey · 05/10/2018 10:46

Just text CrapDad now saying DD isn’t sure she’ll be going to youth club every week from now on, so you’re opting out of the lift sharing. Mum2 can make her own decisions.

Missingstreetlife · 05/10/2018 10:48

Have the girls asked the brother not to smoke?

Missingstreetlife · 05/10/2018 10:52

Oh sorry, just saw there is no room for brother, they should have complained to mum or dad3, but now looks like you or mum2 will have to. You can still take girl3, just don't let her dad take yours.

0ccamsRazor · 05/10/2018 10:58

The girl without the seat belt Angry, poor girl, her life hangs in the balance everyone she sits there.

she will end up smashing through the car in an accident or even if a deer ran out and he had to do an emergency break.

Some people should not a) have cars and b) have dc!

mumofmunchkin · 05/10/2018 11:28

I think it would be fair to give him a real reason, as the lift sharing does work for you, it would give him the chance to rectify. So a text along the lines of "Hi, I've just become aware that there aren't enough seatbelts in your car to ferry all the girls to and from the youth group, obviously this is a major safety issue, so I'm going to opt out of the car sharing from now on." It gives him the chance to say that son won't come along anymore (which would also sort the smoking issue).

Lethaldrizzle · 05/10/2018 11:34

Dad 3 is an idiot. I'd be texting both him and his wife politely asap with the real reasons. Smoking especially. Gross

LimboLuna · 05/10/2018 11:38

The car is clearly a 4 seater not a 5. So that’s also an insurance issue. Mine states that I will only take 3 passengers in my 4 seater.
I think I’d just try to cut him out the pick up all together and if you and other mum can’t manage it your daughter can’t go.
Ultimately it’s up to him (and the police) if he thinks all of that is ok for his daughter. I don’t think there’s a conversation to be had between you two.

TinyLittleTextMessage · 05/10/2018 11:41

The only reason to have a conversation with the dad is if you want lift arrangement to carry on. As you don't, just send a text saying that it doesn't work for you any more and work either out lifts with Mum2, or just do it yourself.

Celticrose · 05/10/2018 11:42

If stopped by police he will be fined also a relative of mine was killed in a car accident. They were in back seat with no belt ( this was before belts were a thing) The front seat passengers survived.

Munchyseeds · 05/10/2018 12:17

Text him now and tell him you are no longer going to be part of this arrangement because it does not work for you anymore, no need to justify unless you want to.

caroloro · 05/10/2018 13:09

If I wanted to carry on with the lift share I'd probably tackle this head on and text something like "I'm a bit concerned to hear that there's an adult smoking in the car using lift share, and also that there's mot enough seashells in the car for all three girls. Is this right, or am I misinformed? If it's right, I'm really concerned and I'm sorry but can't continue with the lift share".

However, it sounds like there's other reasons you don't want to carry on, like this child's house being out of the way.

Do what feels right to you.

AviatorShades · 05/10/2018 13:43

tinylittletextmessage 's advice is Spot On I reckon.See that Munchyseeds has also posted similar.Up to you now,OP.