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AIBU?

Friend always ‘schedules’ me in and then leaves??!

26 replies

WeeMarzi · 04/10/2018 23:00

My friend always schedules me in. Sounds good but I find myself becoming really hurt. If we invite her out, she’s always the first to leave. She will come round for only for ‘ a bit’. She will call in unannounced and then make excuses to leave as if I am detaining her. One time she came for 20 mins!!. I thought she might not like me or I had offended her so I stopped initiating contact but she always asked to meet but then would leave early. Our friend travelled two hours to see her for a meal and she met us and said she had no money for food and then left early again after a couple of hours leaving me to walk our friend back to the train. Suffice to say, this friend has not come round again. She has been quite unkind to me about me personally and I am confused about why she wants to see me when it feels as if she can’t tolerate me? She always has a bit of a dig at me. I realise I sound like a total whiner here - sorry - but I am just not able to make sense of what is going on or how to fix it? She will text to ask how I am, I will respond and then she won’t answer for about a week?

Help! Am I being unreaonable? I’m not sure I want to see her anymore.....

OP posts:
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butterfly56 · 04/10/2018 23:06

She doesn't sound like much of a good friend OP.
I think your gut feeling is right she is not very nice especially as she seems to like having digs and being unpleasant to you. That in itself is enough reason to end the friendship.

She's messing with your head and that is never a good thing when dealing with people. Don't invest anymore time and emotional energy in this person.

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Jamiefraserskilt · 04/10/2018 23:08

Not a true friend. Bin her for someone you can rely on who doesnt see you as an inconvenience and interruption to their busy life.

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Leeds2 · 04/10/2018 23:11

If you don't want to see her anymore, then don't.

Is there a chance she can't really afford your meet ups, but doesn't want to admit it?

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CandleIit · 04/10/2018 23:14

Not unreasonable and I'd advise not to take it personally. Sounds like there's something up with her and that's her problem, not yours, to fix. Leave her be and spend time with people who make you feel good.

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Blameanamechange · 04/10/2018 23:20

Thats not a true friend. Id spend my energy on someone worthwhile. People like that are draining.

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WeeMarzi · 04/10/2018 23:21

Thanks for being so understanding. All the comments have really helped me think.

She doesn’t have a problem with money at all, she’s quite well off which is why I didn’t understand the money issue. Plus she is the one who arranged that lunch which I think is why the other girl was so offended. She had spent a fortune on a train and everything.

Thanks for the advice. I’ve just no idea how to extract myself from a friendship. Any pointers???? I’m getting a bit anxious thinking about it.

OP posts:
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Monty27 · 04/10/2018 23:23

It might be a big effort for her to see her friends. She might then be worried about getting home having been really pleased to see you all. I empathise with that. She may not be aware that you have all made an effort too and didn't think you would be upset that she left early. She doesn't see herself as being special.
It may be different if you all went round to her's sometimes where hopefully she would feel more at ease.
I hope that makes sense. Flowers

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Littlebird88 · 04/10/2018 23:24

I would just gradually stop.any contact.
so maybe leave messages phone calls to her for a while.
don't suggest any meet ups.

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CandleIit · 04/10/2018 23:30

Maybe just take longer and longer to respond to her texts. She spend a week so you do the same. Resist making the first move suggesting plans. If she consistently leaves after a short time, only commit to plans where that is fine with you (I had to do this with a chronic late person - We're no longer in touch now).

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butterfly56 · 04/10/2018 23:36

Any pointers????

Don't initiate any contact with her.
If she drops by unannounced tell her you were just on your way out or you have someone coming round.
If she initiates any meet ups tell her you already have plans.
It sounds bit mean but you have to play them at their own game.
Tact doesn't often work with thick skinned people.

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GabsAlot · 04/10/2018 23:43

dont respond to texts-if she turns up prtend youre on your way out

hopefully she'l get the message soon

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MrsRubyMonday · 04/10/2018 23:46

Have you tried asking her OP? Before cutting her off, it may be worth mentioning that you've noticed she always leaves early and maybe spin it that you're worried about her? Then she has an option to say for example 'oh I've been having a tough time at home, I didn't want to bother you' etc. If she doesn't have a good reason, explain to her that it makes you feel unappreciated and that you would rather she said if she couldn't make it that turned up and left suddenly. If she still does it, then as others have said, phase out. Regarding the comments, is that what your friendship has always been like? I ask because my friends and I make joke digs at each other, but in the past if we've 'argued', I find myself taking it more personally than intended, and sometimes I need to step back. If this is new, I would think it also points to her having some issues which may need addressing.

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HouseworkIsASin10 · 04/10/2018 23:51

Is she using you as an alibi, then sneaking off to meet someone?

Just strange to go through the effort then scarper.

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Loopyloopy · 05/10/2018 00:06

A couple of hours for a meet up and 20 minutes for a spontaneous drop in sound normal to me.

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Bowerbird5 · 05/10/2018 05:28

I think she has anxiety issues. She wants to meet up but her anxiety takes over and she has to go home.

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LunaTheCat · 05/10/2018 06:14

Could she have a very controlling partner who watches what she spends and monitors her time away? I have a friend of a friend in this situation - on outside looks fine, gorgeous kids and beautiful home but her life is hell, her spending and time with friends is restricted.
It would be worth asking directly is everything ok at home - especially if her behaviour has changed.

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StealthPolarBear · 05/10/2018 06:21

Ask her.

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Gersemi · 05/10/2018 06:43

I strongly suspect your friend has social anxiety; she wants to see you, but reaches a point when she knows she isn't going to cope much longer and has to leave.

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schoty77 · 05/10/2018 06:43

I know how you feel, I had a friend start acting the same way. Just cut her off, a friendship can't survive if she's going to treat you like that.

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AgentJohnson · 05/10/2018 07:09

How about asking her what the problem is? I think it really strange that you haven’t asked her and that getting rid of her is your preferred option over finding out what the issue is.

This friendship sounds superficial in both directions.

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ThursdayLastWeek · 05/10/2018 07:10

I agree with loopyloopy this’s time frames sound fine to me.

It sounds like you have different expectations of meet ups, that’s all.

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ThursdayLastWeek · 05/10/2018 07:12

And actually I recognise saying I’ll come round for 'a bit'.

I say it to my parents when they seem to expect me to stay for an entire afternoon, when what I want is to have a chat and cuppa while I drop the DCs off and then go and enjoy my freedom!

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ThursdayLastWeek · 05/10/2018 07:13

But if she’s unkind and makes you feel bad then why bother seeing her at all?

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BukowskisSandwich · 05/10/2018 07:27

I have a similar friend. We go way back and hadn’t seen each other for years. she got in touch and made a big deal of meeting up and going out for dinner at a place with lush food. I got a babysitter and travelled an hour to meet up and after barely 40 minutes, when I thought we’d be ordering food, she stood up and said we’ll it was nice to catch up but she had a date now and started on the goodbyes! I was so flabbergasted, I just went along with it and stopped at fecking McDonald’s on the drive home.

I chalked it up to a last minute clash, she obvs really liked the bloke she’d arranged to meet, and soon after she made another arrangement for dinner and I thought she’d be making up for it then. But low and behold, she did EXACTLY the same thing, only after 30 minutes this time. It was unbelievable. I was overdressed in a service station McDonalds again that night.

Needless to say, I’ve been “busy” ever since.

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He11y · 05/10/2018 11:13

As already said, she may have anxiety. Are you sure she’s not thinking you don’t want her there? It may seem bonkers to you but you won’t know what’s going through her head if you don’t ask.

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