To stop contact?
hadenough2356 · 04/10/2018 22:30
Been a lurker for a while but the time has come where I need advice...
Long story short..... I split with my ex nearly 5 years ago, we have a 5 year old dd together. Dd has a disability which he's brilliant with, comes to all her appointments etc etc. Anyhow our relationship has always been rocky, he's nasty to me calls me names called ss on me when dd was a baby because she had a bit of nappy rash, just tried to make my life hell, he met someone new 2 years ago and me and ex had a great co parent relationship, his relationship went to shit and we still got on great for our dd. Until a few months back....he would call me on his weekends with her (EOW) saying she was being a nightmare and bringing her home, missed some of his set days with her until he was ready to see her again, I then suggested he have her one night of the weekend instead which he agreed to. Fast forward to now..... he's becoming a right arse again, letting her down twice this week on his set days with her, called me last Saturday saying she was ungrateful and he was bringing her home and he didn't want to see her until she snapped out of it blah blah blah......there's a lot more to the story but I'll be here forever typing it out. My DF passed away before I was born so I've always been a great believer of my dd having a relationship with her dad until now, I'm at my whits end with it all, dd says she still wants to see him and I feel awful taking it all away from her but I can't sit and watch him let her down all the time, or cut her weekends short because she's 'playing up' (I've caught him lying about it before where she wasn't playing up even though he said she was). Tonight was the final straw for me after a few texts were exchanged I said about him picking and choosing when he wants to see her and his reply was ' well I don't want her picking and choosing when she wants to see me it works both ways' like for goodness sake she's 5!!
Soooooo AIBU to stop contact? Or what shall I do because I feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads.
Jamiefraserskilt · 04/10/2018 22:41
Who is the child and who is the parent? He needs to grow the fuck up and realise having kids is about more than the sperm donation!
Kids need to know that adults will do what they say when they say not pick and choose if they are adulting that day.
Cut contact until he learns to behave like a responsible grown up parent.
She will mirror his behaviour and if he can't be arsed, neither will she.
Where are his mum and dad in all this? Someone needs to give him a good talking to.
hadenough2356 · 04/10/2018 22:55
Exactly what I said to him! She's 5 years old and he's nearly 30! He was emotionally and physically abusive to me which I've put aside for the sake of our dd as for some strange reason she adores him. He has two other children who he doesn't see so dd is his only child he sees 'regularly' probably because I've tried for so many years for them to have a relationship which I'm now doubting myself that I made the right decision. His mum and dad are in the process of wiping their hands of him, they are such lovely people but they too are fed up of picking up the pieces , unless it's something he wants to hear he becomes abusive like tonight, he told me to 'fuck off because I don't want to listen to your shit' he always thinks I'm poking my nose in as he said ' you want to take a look at your own life' not once have I said my life is perfect but I will poke my nose in when it concerns my dd!
I'll definitely cut contact for now as I can't bare to listen to my dd crying waiting for him to pick her up and then not arrive.
Mxyzptlk · 04/10/2018 23:01
Sounds like he's starting emotional abuse of his DD. I think you've made the right decision.
hadenough2356 · 04/10/2018 23:03
@Mxyzptlk it's such a tough call as dd absolutely adores him even though he's an awful person. I don't want her to hate me but I guess it's just something I'll have to explain to her when she's older! I guess I just needed a bit of reassurance that I'm doing the right thing as his texts tonight have been nasty.
MummysBusy · 04/10/2018 23:18
He sounds exactly like my dad. Op, i dont want to say cut contact because its a big bloody decision and your daughter is too young to understand why you'd be making it... but I wish my mum had cut contact with my dad, rather the leaving me to make the decision as an adult. My advice would be to make sure that dd knows she doesn't have to see her dad. If she decides she doesn't want to see her one weekend then she doesn't see him, and you two do something fun together instead. Anything negative he says about her, praise her for the exact opposite. Dont let him damage her self esteem. Dont let her think that she owes him her presence.
hadenough2356 · 04/10/2018 23:23
Thank you so much for replying, I am literally at the end of my tether, I've always gone by that rule of I'll let dd decide when she's older if she wants to see him or not but it's so hard to just stand back and watch him pick her up and drop her when he can't be bothered to deal with her and then I get the back lash, her behaviour can be very challenging at times but part of me thinks it's down to how he's acting, she's obviously aware of what he says and does. This week he was due to collect her Tuesday for a few hours and I told dd and he never showed up, she was in tears and then became challenging, he was due to see dd today and I didn't mention it to her and she never asked, I think I'll go with asking her what she wants to do, I really hope she says stay with me but deep down I know she will choose to see him and I'll just be waiting for that call to say he's bringing her home!
MummysBusy · 04/10/2018 23:40
I remember that, mine was either 3 hours late or never showed at all. It must be devastating for you. Can you cut contact down any further (rather than altogether?) It sounds like she sees him more than once a week.
hadenough2356 · 04/10/2018 23:46
@MummysBusy he sees her twice during the week for a couple of hours, then the week when it's his weekend he just sees her the Tuesday and then he has her one night at the weekend. More recently it's been less and less due to him not turning up. I'm fed up of chasing him to see if he's having her or not. My DH adores her and treats her like his own ( DH has a ds from precious and we have a ds together) so she won't not have a father figure but it's not the same is it, I never wanted that for her but it looks like it is going that way and i have no idea how to handle it
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