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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by

44 replies

cadburyegg · 04/10/2018 12:54

I have 2 DS but in between the 2 I had a miscarriage - it was pretty awful - lots of time off work, hemorrhage, d&c, infection etc. I was lucky to fall pregnant quickly afterwards though and despite a complicated high risk pregnancy (bleeding, cholestasis), my second DS is 7 months old.

At toddler group this morning another Mum told me that she wants another girl next time as she already has 1 boy and she’d hate to have 2 boys. I couldn’t think of anything to say but came home and cried but I know that’s ridiculous and an overreaction on my part considering i love my 2 DS, consider myself very fortunate and don’t crave a girl at all.

She didn’t mean it maliciously but AIBU to think this was really insensitive? I can’t fathom why I’m cross about it considering it’s just her opinion after all

OP posts:
mrssparkle123 · 04/10/2018 12:55

I really can't work out people's fascination with having 1 of each, when I had my son everyone said ooh so when are you going to have a little girl and when I had a girl everyone constantly says to me ah you got your little girl.... 😡 as if I wouldn't have been happy at a boy!!!

Original poster
cadburyegg · 04/10/2018 12:56

Oops, title fail.

OP posts:
mrssparkle123 · 04/10/2018 12:56

Very sorry to hear about the hard time you had and congratulations on your little one ❤️

Rubyslippers7780 · 04/10/2018 12:58

I've never got this mentality. Like it's a set you collect! Ignore. Thoughtless and ridiculous.

AllMYSmellySocks · 04/10/2018 12:58

It does sound like a stupid thing to say on her part. I can understand secretly wanting a boy or girl but if you'd hate to have another boy you should probably just not get pregnant and certainly not tell people who have two boys.

I think people just say stupid stuff though. My friend recently had her third boy and more than one person has made a comment to her along the lines of "oh no I was so sorry when I heard are you going to try again?". People just don't think.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 04/10/2018 13:01

Unfortunately the world is full of dickheads and today you met one!

Honestly though when I was pregnant the massive assumption that I must want a girl this time following on from having a boy really pissed me off.

All I wanted was a baby with the least amount of fuss! Ds2 is very much wanted and loved.

Baby number 3 was a girl but I hand on heart can say that if she had been a he I would be been just as happy.

You aren't giving birth to clones ffs, all have totally different personalities.

Eminybob · 04/10/2018 13:01

I don’t get it either. It’s a horrible thing to say to someone who has 2 boys. I honestly think that some of those who have one of each think they are superior to those who have 2 of one sex.

I am pg with DS2 and couldn’t be happier. I would of obviously been happy with a girl, but 2 boys is what I have imagined since planning a 2nd, and ds is overjoyed as he was desperate for a brother. Plus I have been able to reuse everything from DS.

I have had all the pitying looks and head tilts though, it’s really weird.

allinmyhead12 · 04/10/2018 13:07

i have one of each but can hand on heart say i wasn't bothered what came out. We didn't find out what we were having either time and i was convinced my second was a boy until SHE came out LOL. After losing the first pregnancy early on as long as they were happy and healthy who cared?!
Don't worry about them just concentrate on your, im sure, beautiful boys

lifeisfullofsurprises · 04/10/2018 13:07

It baffles me. I know someone who at their 20 week scan sobbed and did for quite some time afterwards because she didn’t want a boy Hmm

When people have asked “ooh, what are you hoping for?” my response will always be “a healthy baby”.

fieryginger · 04/10/2018 13:14

Yes she's an arse. I've had both and each are great for different reasons. I couldn't choose.

Same sex siblings are great too. I know a lady with 5 boys and I also know a lady with 5 girls. They're all really close and it's really special imo.

This "I would hate to...." regarding children is alarming. I have a family member who said she wouldn't like a boy, she had one and he's the light of her life. She's smitten.

PinkHeart5914 · 04/10/2018 13:20

People are so stupid sometimes.

Thing is everyone loves there baby regardless of what sex they get, and anyone that doesn’t isn’t fit to be a parent tbh. So all this oh I’d have to have another girl is stupid, i mean what is she going to do if it pops out a boy send it back?

Ignore the daft moo

SpottingTheZebras · 04/10/2018 13:20

I don’t think there is anything wrong in wanting a certain thing (such as a child of each sex) but the issue I have is when (if) that person then doesn’t get it and the child is not as loved or wanted as a result.

I also don’t understand why you are so upset as she wasn’t insulting you or saying something to be deliberately unkind. If someone told me they’d hate to have two cats and wanted a dog instead, I’d just see it as their preference and not reflect on the fact I have two cats at all!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/10/2018 13:26

Sorry this upset you so much OP. What an insensitive comment on her part. She has no control over what sex she has next so it's stupid to come out with such shit.

Anyone with a brain knows not to say stuff like to a mum or two boys.

Borntobeamum · 04/10/2018 13:27

She's setting herself for a lot of back peddling if she has another boy!
She's an arse. Simple.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 04/10/2018 13:28

YANBU OP. I have one of each and suffered two awful miscarriages in between them whose sex I didn't even ask about even though I could have. Just grateful for my lovely two.

Completely understand your emotions. So many people don't actually think before they speak.

Emmageddon · 04/10/2018 13:32

I knew a woman who had 5 boys and she would say, in full earshot of the children, that she would keep going 'until I get my daughter.'

I'm not sure if she ever did have a girl, I avoided her from then on.

Congratulations on your two lovely boys.

PasswordRejection · 04/10/2018 13:34

I was out with my SIL shortly after her ds3 was born. She had all 3 boys with her. A lady in the shop cooed over DS3 a bit then said to her DS1 "I bet your mummy was hoping for a girl this time, wasn't she?". SIL didn't miss a beat and said, completely deadpan "I was actually. Do you know where I could swap this one for a little girl?". The woman's face was a picture Grin

Feellikeimthemaid · 04/10/2018 13:34

I think the other lady just didn't express her sentiment well. She probably didn't mean anything nasty and didn't think before she put her mouth in gear. It's just her personal opinion. Maybe her DS is hard work and she doesn't want another? I wouldn't be upset by it, just feel sorry that she has such a blinkered opinion of having two DC of the same gender. I have two DD and very happy with my lot Smile.

I'm sorry to hear about the bad experience you had with your pregnancy. I hope you've received the help you need to come to terms with the loss x

Pretamum · 04/10/2018 13:35

I just find this attitude so odd. You can't control what sex your baby is so why emotionally invest so much in the baby being a girl? I get that you might have a preference, but really, if the baby is healthy then that's all that really matters.
I know someone who had 3 boys (all grown ups now), and didn't seem to find it cruel to tell her youngest son that she had hoped he was a girl, and that was the only reason she'd tried for a 3rd child. WTF would you say something like that to your own child?! I also know another woman who cried at her scan when she found out her 3rd was another boy. The baby was perfectly healthy but wasn't the girl she really wanted, so she cried. I just don't get it.

Ohyesiam · 04/10/2018 13:37

Ime experience there is more shit talked at toddler groups than anywhere else on the planet.
Yes, I sensitive and thoughtless on her part. Try to rise above it, she’s just showing you how limited her horizons are. And that’s fine, it takes all sorts, but you don’t need to take on her words.
Flowers

Dahlietta · 04/10/2018 13:39

Having two the same is great! Not least because we hardly had to buy any new clothes Grin

cakecakecheese · 04/10/2018 13:39

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It was a daft thing to say, with the amount of people who struggle to conceive if you have any children you should feel lucky to have them and not give a monkeys what gender they are.

Italiangreyhound · 04/10/2018 13:39

Very sorry to hear of your journey. This other mum is both insensitive and stupid. Her comments are setting herself up for the fact that she may not achieve her second child being the sex she wants it to be.

If she ever says that again to you I'd just say I love my two boys. And then find another place to sit.

She is ignorant.

Thanks
Kolo · 04/10/2018 13:40

As the mum of 2 boys I had these sorts of comments all the time. I was asked multiple times if we were going to try again for a girl. I just don’t understand it! My boys bring me so much joy, it’s ridiculous to think I would be happier if one of them was a girl! I really didn’t care what sex they were.

When I hear those comments now (and it’s become much less frequent now they are older and it’s more apparent my family is ‘finished’) I like to think that in Tudor times I would have been celebrated. Henry VIII would have worshipped me Grin

ChristmasAccountant · 04/10/2018 13:41

Congratulations on your two lovely sons.

I have two boys, currently expecting number 3 and the amount of people thinking I must want a girl sometimes, like it’s the most sought after prize. My response is always “no I want one that sleeps”.

The world is full of dickheads, unfortunately.