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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on asking you guys even though I'd have an easy answer for a poster with the same OP?

42 replies

cantbreathethroughthis · 04/10/2018 00:23

So I usually lurk under another name here because, when I respond to a post from another OP by attempting to try and make myself sound much cleverer than i really am, it doesn't benefit me to have you all know what a loser I can be when it's close to the bone. However this one is close to the bone, so I'm back to the username that show me up to be a loser. Back story: 8 year old son lives with his dad and spends alternate weekends at my house; I am mum to him and his 3 year old sister, who lives with me and her dad, who is step-dad to the older boy. The weekends my son spends with us are a joy - definitely for me, his step-dad and his small sister, and I'm fairly sure for him too. However recently he has asked me if a friend who lives in the area where my son lives with his dad (think: a village away, around 30 minutes drive) can come and have a play date with him whilst he is at my place. I said, seeing as I don't drop my son to/from school as often as his dad, thereby not enabling me to talk to the mum, it would be best if the mum and I communicated by email. Fast-forward that my son phones me by video chat from said friend's house, asking me in front of said friend for a commitment on a play date. I ask for the email address of mum, and friend trots downstairs and returns with it. I send the mum a friendly email introducing myself, explaining that the boys seem to want to do some kind of play date together...and get silence in response. I thought that the little lad went down the stairs that day and asked his mum for it himself but obviously he didn't, because she hasn't responded to it. I feel needlessly and stupidly aggrieved. I have re-read my initial email to her back to myself and feel like a twat for being so open and friendly. But on a larger level I also feel like a failure, for this has tapped into all the fears I have: that the weekends my boy spends with me aren't "good enough"....that I'm not a "normal mum" because my son lives with his dad, and "good enough" mums are supposed to have all their children live with them, with the dad being the Non-Res parent....that the reason the mum didn't respond to my email is because she is judging the fact that my son lives with his dad....that I can't even arrange a playdate for my boy, at an age where the friends he makes at school, and therefore at his dad's village, will start to become more and more important and maybe, as a result, he may not want to visit me anymore. Massively overthinking this....Sad

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 04/10/2018 00:27

"I thought that the little lad went down the stairs that day and asked his mum for it himself but obviously he didn't"

That's where you went off the rails hun. Overthinking massively. Just drop her a "what do you think?" email followup, and see where it goes. Let all the other imaginary repercussions go.

AornisHades · 04/10/2018 00:32

Are you sure you have the right email address?
Would your ex do the groundwork? Tell her that you are a suitable person sort of thing?

nancy75 · 04/10/2018 00:35

It sounds more likely you’ve got the wrong email address, it’s easy enough to do & they don’t always came back as can’t deliver

Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 04/10/2018 00:43

@SpoonBlender

*"I thought that the little lad went down the stairs that day and asked his mum for it himself but obviously he didn't"

That's where you went off the rails hun. Overthinking massively. Just drop her a "what do you think?" email followup, and see where it goes. Let all the other imaginary repercussions go.*

I totally agree with you that I've gone massively over-the-rails in the over-thinking stakes. But what i meant was, i thought Friend asked Friend's Mum for it so therefore she knew I'd be emailing her because of this playdate wanted and instigated by the little boys. But it looks like maybe Friend trotted off and just got the email address from somewhere and brought it back. Therefore poor Mum of Friend knows nothing about it until she receives an unhinged, friendly message from me. And at that point she thought, "Fuck off, Weirdo! And keep your kids all by you next time you want to make playdates for them!"

How can i send a follow up? I already look unhinged trying to email her first-off....

OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 04/10/2018 00:52

I would get her number and phone her, you can have a proper conversation

Poodles1980 · 04/10/2018 00:52

How long ago did you send the email? Not everyone checks theirs all the time?

AviatorShades · 04/10/2018 01:12

Just get her phone no. and speak to her! No big deal, and get used to it - you'll have years of it!Grin

Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 04/10/2018 01:15

I've got her number because the little lad gave it to me same time as the email address. But do you honestly not think she'd think, if she chose not to reply to the email, why would I be so rude as to phone her? If you'd chosen not to reply to an email, would you honestly want a stalker-y phonecall on the back of it?

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 04/10/2018 01:18

@AviatorShades you've made me smile pointing that out Grin. My kids have got years of it....but I've got a whole bloody lifetime of living with myself and being this twattish Wink

OP posts:
LittleMissFrumpy · 04/10/2018 01:23

Do people communicate by email out of work?! I never do that and don’t know anyone who does! Just phone her! Or WhatsApp her!

Graphista · 04/10/2018 01:23

I hardly ever check my email unless I know I'm expecting one I want to read. Lots of people barely use email now and it is SO easy to get it wrong and not necessarily get a "bounce back" especially if eg it's based on her name and you just got an initial wrong - entirely possible someone with a similar name but with that initial got your email, even if they read it it made no sense so they just delete - very easily done!

Honestly pop her a text instead, far more likely to get through and to the right person.

64BooLane · 04/10/2018 01:27

I don’t understand why you think you’ve done anything wrong? Just because she hasn’t replied?

Just to give another POV: I get a lot of emails - often twenty, thirty a day, and that’s not counting the junk. Often despite genuinely wanting to, I don’t get a chance to reply to non-work emails for ages. Frequently they’re pushed down my inbox so fast that I simply forget about them. It worries me a bit that someone could be as upset as you are if that happened.

It will be ok, honestly. Don’t read too much into it. It’s much more likely NOT to be a message of judgey silence! I know it’s hard to stop the mental train of catastrophe though Flowers

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/10/2018 01:30

You have no idea why she hasn't yet responded - it is much more likely to be a totally benign and simple explanation rather than the catastrophising that you're doing.

In your situation, I would see if your ex can start the ball rolling. He will known the mother (presumably) and be able to explain where you live and set up an introduction. Assuming your ex is willing/able to do this of course.

Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 04/10/2018 01:47

You guys are lovely. I really do prefer your rational "it's much more likely that she's not received/read your email than that she's chosen not to answer because she thinks you're a bad mother." I'm going to text/call tomorrow and stop acting like a complete weirdo. Lots of flowers and cake for being so lovely FlowersCake Flowers Cake

OP posts:
Nightwatch999 · 04/10/2018 01:57

Simply yes or no to your DS question, not difficult OP?

Why are you carrying on like this over your son wanting to play with a friend?!

NonaGrey · 04/10/2018 02:05

My first instinct before finishing your OP or reading the other responses was that the boy has made an error relaying the email address to you or that it’s gone into her spam folder.

Call her up.

Gallagher4 · 04/10/2018 02:16

My son made friends with a boy who lived with his dad and stayed at his mum's every other weekend, playdates were a regular thing in both houses and in ours. If she makes any assumptions without even meeting you then it's a flaw in her character, not yours.
I do think she probably hasn't read her e-mails though, I think an introductory phone call would be a better idea.

Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 04/10/2018 02:21

@Nightwatch999

Yes or no to which question?

Why am i carrying on like...what?? I'm trying to organise the playdate; that's what the OP was about?!

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 04/10/2018 02:26

@Nightwatch999 yeah...but i am being a bit of a twat, i grant you, so you're good.... :-(

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/10/2018 02:32

Text sounds good. The email may have gone into her junk folder. Or she may have forgotten about it and not looked at her emails since. Why would she not want to make plans with you? I make plans with both sets of parents of dds friends. If she doesn’t want to associate with you because you’re a female nrp, more fool her. It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your ds as he called you, not his dad.

It sounds as though youre carrying a lot of guilt.

Katedotness1963 · 04/10/2018 02:35

I’d assume he’d got the email address wrong. If you can get a phone number it would be better.

We ended up with the rule, “if you put us on the spot about play dates/sleepovers it’s an automatic no”! My kids were forever doing it and it was really hard to say no with an expectant child and parent standing in front of you, but everyone seemed to accept the rule.

SilverOnToast · 04/10/2018 03:27

That’s a really good rule @Katedotness1963. I don’t like being put on the spot and my DD has the “awkward play date asking in front of everyone” down to a fine art!!

Miladymilord · 04/10/2018 03:37

You are looking at this through a layer of guilt. Text her.

FinnegansWhiskers · 04/10/2018 04:06

If you have ds friends mums phone number text her. Texts are more easily notified and read than emails.

If she doesn't reply to a text it's time to cut your losses and run. Some people are just weird! Keep that at the back of your mind always.

Hope things work out for you and your ds FlowersWineCake

YeOldeTrout · 04/10/2018 05:11

I read all emails, and reply to all, but if you text me, might be weeks before I see the message (just don't hardly ever turn the phone on). Even then I'll struggle to reply.

Don't assume anything, you don't know where the message went. Since most people are opposite of me (read all texts but maybe no email reading & no email replies at all), definitely try texting. Phone call not crazy, either.