To insist on asking you guys even though I'd have an easy answer for a poster with the same OP?

[cantbreathethroughthis]

So I usually lurk under another name here because, when I respond to a post from another OP by attempting to try and make myself sound much cleverer than i really am, it doesn't benefit me to have you all know what a loser I can be when it's close to the bone. However this one is close to the bone, so I'm back to the username that show me up to be a loser. Back story: 8 year old son lives with his dad and spends alternate weekends at my house; I am mum to him and his 3 year old sister, who lives with me and her dad, who is step-dad to the older boy. The weekends my son spends with us are a joy - definitely for me, his step-dad and his small sister, and I'm fairly sure for him too. However recently he has asked me if a friend who lives in the area where my son lives with his dad (think: a village away, around 30 minutes drive) can come and have a play date with him whilst he is at my place. I said, seeing as I don't drop my son to/from school as often as his dad, thereby not enabling me to talk to the mum, it would be best if the mum and I communicated by email. Fast-forward that my son phones me by video chat from said friend's house, asking me in front of said friend for a commitment on a play date. I ask for the email address of mum, and friend trots downstairs and returns with it. I send the mum a friendly email introducing myself, explaining that the boys seem to want to do some kind of play date together...and get silence in response. I thought that the little lad went down the stairs that day and asked his mum for it himself but obviously he didn't, because she hasn't responded to it. I feel needlessly and stupidly aggrieved. I have re-read my initial email to her back to myself and feel like a twat for being so open and friendly. But on a larger level I also feel like a failure, for this has tapped into all the fears I have: that the weekends my boy spends with me aren't "good enough"....that I'm not a "normal mum" because my son lives with his dad, and "good enough" mums are supposed to have all their children live with them, with the dad being the Non-Res parent....that the reason the mum didn't respond to my email is because she is judging the fact that my son lives with his dad....that I can't even arrange a playdate for my boy, at an age where the friends he makes at school, and therefore at his dad's village, will start to become more and more important and maybe, as a result, he may not want to visit me anymore. Massively overthinking this....

OK, can't thank you guys enough. I was looking at it through a layer of guilt bound up with wishing my son lived with me full time, rather than just seeing this as a message which dropped into someone's email and stayed there unanswered like, ironically, as lot of mine do for ages. Seeing it the right way up now though! More thanks and cake and flowers

Mate, it could be any one of half a dozen reasons why she didn't reply. My kids have a friend who is lovely and whose mum is lovely and I really want to phone and invite her for a playdate but I hate the phone (and I also slightly dread playdates) so I keep putting it off. It could easily be about her and not about you at all.

I never ever look at my emails, just ring her. And just being nosey, why doesn't he live with you

I’ll be honest, if DD had a friend who lived with their DD and saw Mum EOW I’d be a little bit reticent about letting her go around because I’d be worried about the reasons that he doesn’t live with you. Like maybe drug abuse or something else. I’m not saying I’d stop the play date but I’d probably want some reassurance from the resident parent first simply because I wouldn’t know the none resident parent at all, and my child is the most precious person in the world to me and it’s my job to safeguard them.

I agree, many reasons. I'm a very busy mum and if one of my kids had asked me to go on a play date to one of his friend nrp 30 minutes ago, I would have just taken as extra stress to arrange and I can imagine myself asking him why they had to see them there. I would have stressed at the prospect of trying to find a way to say that I didn't mind but didn't have the time to take them there but wouldn't want to say that that they would have to come to pick up and drop off. This would then also raise concerns about someone I don't know at all driving them 1/2 hour away.

I would probably be mulling through how to turn it down without coming across as rude and therefore leaving it a few days. I expect at the end I would have agreed so not to offend but feeling annoyed with extra stress until I met the parent, like them, and had no issues with it in the future.

Completely agree with all the wonderful advice you've been given OP just wanted to say as one NRP mum to another do not let guilt eat you up like that I'm sure like we did you made the decision based on your sons best interests & as long as he is happy with that decision that's all that matters it's no one else's business! But I totally get it as I always find myself explaining to new people the reasons why DS lives with his dad.

@MynameisJune would you worry about the reason your child's friend didn't live with dad & automatically jump to a conclusion such as he's a drug abuser? If not then I'm sorry but that's very judgmental of you & that's the reason that people like myself & OP get anxious about these situations.

I'm lucky as DS lived with me until he was 8 so I know all his school friends parents & they know the situation but fuck me not all mums have their kids removed from their care because they're unfit sometimes it's a mutual decision by both parents based on the needs/wants of the child!

I’d definitely call her rather than text, with a text you still won’t actually know if she’s received it/ if she’s someone who’s rubbish at replying to texts etc. Actually speaking to her is the only way you can be sure you’ve got the right number and she’s got the message. I also think with someone you don’t know it is easier to have an actual conversation re. details (and also so she can get to know you a little so that she’s comfortable letting her son come to you - or you may want to start with a joint trip to the park or something so she can actually meet you. It is possible that she may be a little uncomfortable with just letting him come to yours straight off the bat, not because you’re the nrp or you’ve done anything wrong, purely because she doesn’t know you, and would be exactly the same whoever you were and whatever your situation - so don’t feel bad about it if it does happen).

OP I’m so sorry that you feel you’re open to people judging you as your eldest doesn’t live with you.

If it makes you feel better, DDs best friend’s sister lives with her Dad (blood siblings, they chose to live with a parent each). I have nothing but admiration for her parents for making an obviously difficult choice by putting the needs of their children first above their own happiness.

I agree, try a text. It could just be that the thought of an hour round trip for a play date is a pita for other mum.

Blimey, how appalling that anyone would judge someone who had their DC every other weekend purely because they are female!!! I can imagine there being a myriad of decent reasons.

I'm a sole parent and DD's father hasn't been involved in any way. When she was seven, in desperation I tried to find school that would take her as a weekly boarder as I was paying for so much wraparound care, private school from 8am to 6pm etc that I barely saw her during the week, was locked into a contract (and as sole earner needed the money) and started having panic attacks in London when trains were late. If ex had been around and willing, it would have been different.

OP, totally second everyone else. I rarely check personal emails - I would call her. A voice is always more personal than the written word. Good luck.

@whiskeysourpuss yes I would feel the same about my DD going to any parents house that I didn’t know. I’m sorry I hit a nerve with you, but it’s the way I feel. If you think me judgemental then fine but I’d rather protect my DD than worry about upsetting a grown adult.

Firstly, any chance you got the address wrong? Secondly she gave you her phone number - if kids are young enough to need parents to organise play dates then a phone call is definitely needed, sending an email when a phone number was offered is a little impersonal. Finally, could it be 30 mins drive is too far for them - do they have transport, is the cost of petrol an issue, perhaps there's other logistical problems

@MynameisJune no nerves have been hit here both myself & ex are confident that we made the right choice for DS... but that's not really what I asked we all worry about our kids possibly being in the care of people we don't know well/at all but we don't assume NRP fathers have issues such as drug abuse so it's judgemental to assume that NRP mothers do - there are many resident mothers I wouldn't trust to look after my favourite pen never mind my kids

How do you know she's got it, could've been junked by her email provider - not everyone checks their spam folder but I definitely get some genuine emails going missing.
I agree with just calling her, much easier on the phone as text tone can be misinterpreted too and you sound like you'd never speak to her again if she didn't reply with 15 seconds!

Oh bless you. Over thinking is not good for you! I think texting is an easier way to communicate with the other mum. I’m rubbish at replying to personal email.

It’s great that your son wants a play date at yours! Because that’s a totally normal thing to do in your own home, so he obviously feels at home with you, and not like a visitor. You’re doing just fine.

hi OP and whiskeysour - I was an NRP to my oldest based on work commitments of both his father and I ( I worked long hours, he had his own business which meant he could easily work around school hours etc) and family support networks ie. I had none, he had loads. You do sometimes feel the need to justify to other people why it worked logistically better at the the time rather than my child was taken from me because I was unfit!! This DS is now 26 and still I am the first parent he turns to when he has a problem!

I think it is very much the case that the child got the email address and number off a card by the computer and the Mum hasn't looked at email or it may have gone into her spam.

Call her and introduce yourself. Explain why you are not on the scene and that you'd like her child to come over. We often did this on a Friday and made it into a sleepover too. Fortunately my DS's friend was one of 9 children so his mum was very happy to have one less on occasion!

I don't read my personal emails more than about once per week... if then. I only get spam so if a childs parent sent me an email I quite likely wouldn't see it.

I'd think nothing of my DD being invited to play at the house of one parent even though that parent wasn't married and living with the other parent.... It is pretty normal isn't it? To be honest with some of her friends I assume the parents aren't together as the arrangement is sometimes that parent A drops up with specific information that another parent will collect. Perhaps they live together perhaps they don't - none of my business!

You are over thinking. Just ring!