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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for strength to leave my abusive DP?

41 replies

ipadbabysitter · 03/10/2018 20:06

I know he has issues and he needs help... he is getting help from a therapist. But tonight he walked in to the pub as I was chatting to a mate of his (waiting for him) and he went bonkers: he ripped the wing mirror off my car and tore the strap off my handbag. He was very aggressive and when I told him this he said I was over-reacting and acting like a princess.

I know his behaviour is emotional/verbal abuse and gaslighting, but I love him so much. We have these isolated incidents once every three months or so and it shakes me to the core. I am a strong independent woman but am classic 'my love will make him change': it clearly can't. I think I need to be told to LTB firmly. I hate to think of my life without him in it, though, when the other times we have are so lovely.

Writing this down more than anything so he won't be able to talk me down tomorrow and I will remember how wretched he made me feel tonight.

Help?

OP posts:
WooYa · 03/10/2018 20:10

Please leave him. NOW!
Even if the incidents are every 3months or so.... they shouldn't be happening at all. You should be able to love someone who loves you enough to treat you properly.
💙

fc301 · 03/10/2018 20:10

Well you may feel you love him but surely he will slowly destroy you.
No loving man behaves like that (and blames it on you).

marvellousnightforamooncup · 03/10/2018 20:11

You need to leave him. It will get worse and your love will not save him and you know that. You can save yourself. Do not marry him and do not have children. Flowers

RandomMess · 03/10/2018 20:11

Erm he was physically violent and he will end up physically hurting you one day Thanks

DeadGood · 03/10/2018 20:12

Post on Relationships. They’ll help. Good luck

UserMillionBillion · 03/10/2018 20:14

Run. Run fast.

He calls you a ''princess' for objecting to his aggression and abuse.

There is a poster on here who is leaving her x and she has decided to get a new sim for her phone. That is a good idea. No way is this man going to shrug when you walk away.

Observatorycrest · 03/10/2018 20:15

It’s time to draw some strength from that independent woman you have described in your OP. This is not normal, it’s not healthy and your in an abusive relationship. You know this.... he will minimise this and suggest you are the problem and it’s not a big deal and you will start believing this... hence your comment about its only every 3 months or so .... might be the case but hold onto that fear you feel everytime he does it. I am hoping you don’t have children with this man?

Merryoldgoat · 03/10/2018 20:17

What would you tell your friend if you were her? Or a stranger?

Make a plan - do you have children? Do you live together? Own any joint property? What do you need to prepare to leave.

Get cracking. You may think you love him but how can you really? He sure doesn’t love you behaving like that. That’s not how you treat people you love.

Let him get help and it can benefit the next person he’s with. You deserve a chance without his shit.

HighwayDragon1 · 03/10/2018 20:18

Imagine being able to talk to anyone you want
Imagine not worrying about what mood he will be in
Imagine wearing what you want
Imagine going where you want
Imagine not being scared.

If you ltb you can stop imagining and start doing.

Go where you want, do and see whoever and whenever. Be happy. We only live one life and it's up to us to make it the best one possible.

Good luck op Flowers

Original poster
ipadbabysitter · 03/10/2018 21:17

@Observatorycrest no we don't have children together but I have 2 DCs from a previous relationship and I think they'll be the boost I need to exit. I don't want them living in a world where this is a normal relationship

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/10/2018 21:18

Do you have children?

Imagine one of them or someone else you love (sibling, parent, best mate) had written the above. Re-read it in their voice. What would you tell them?

I think you know what everyone is going to say. I'm sure you can find lots of similar stories from people who have left and found greater happiness on their own or with someone else who doesn't blame their disproportionate violence on their victim.

I really hope you find the courage to do the right thing before it gets worse and it's not just your handbag he's breaking

Original poster
ipadbabysitter · 03/10/2018 21:19

@Merryoldgoat my friend said to me this evening, "what would you say if this was me?" And she was right. I'd be saying get out get out get out.
Luckily I have few financial ties, we've only been together two years and were just about to buy property together. I don't want my children living under the same roof as him though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ipadbabysitter · 03/10/2018 21:20

Thank you @HighwayDragon1 I don't think I really realized before how much I worry about all those things. It would be nice to be able to go out with a bit of cleavage on show without being accused of courting attention!

OP posts:
KatieKittens · 03/10/2018 21:21

Do it.

You know you and your children deserve better than a life with him in it. Make that plan and leave.

Grumpyrealist77 · 03/10/2018 21:22

He won’t change.
It will NEVER be his fault.
But...
It will get better for you after you are free of him. It’s that nervy jump into the unknown, being single, that’s so scary. But after a couple of weeks you’ll realise you’re better off without an abusive shit of a partner.
X

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 03/10/2018 21:23

This guy's a cunt, OP. You will be so much better off without him, no matter what he claims.

Observatorycrest · 03/10/2018 21:23

ipadbabysitter I would use your DC as the focus you need not to have this man live in the same home. That should be there safe place and it sounds like having this man in their will very much change that dynamic and I have no doubt his behaviour will escalate behind closed doors. Stay strong

Notwhoyouthink35 · 03/10/2018 21:24

I’ve just left one like this. 20 odd years of screaming, shouting, throwing and breaking things. Only ever happened now and then, I also felt sorry for him.

I’m strong and independent and because of that I didn’t think I was being abused. I was. I feel so much better to be away from him. It’s kind of like an inner peace, gone completely no contact and we have children. Get out quickly.

Original poster
ipadbabysitter · 03/10/2018 21:25

Thank you so much everyone who has taken the time to respond. I know all this is true: an off-duty police officer actually stopped me this evening while DP was shouting at me and asked if I was safe or needed help. A stranger recognized it wasn't right and that is not the kind of relationship I want to be in.

His problem is drink, this happens when he binges, but he enjoys it so much he won't (or can't stop).

I just need the validation that leaving him is the right thing to do because I otherwise love the bastard so much. The manipulative arsehole

OP posts:
BananaBreadHead17 · 03/10/2018 21:26

My ex was like this. It got steadily worse and worse and escalated to physical violence. He broke my nose and that was the absolute final straw for me. I looked myself in the mirror and thought, I’m better than this, my child deserves better than this. So I packed and left and never looked back. You need to know you’re better than that. It will escalate. You don’t want to be the next thing he takes his anger out on. Run. You're strong and brave and you know you can do this xxx

Observatorycrest · 03/10/2018 21:28

ipadbabysitter these men condition you into feeling you can’t live with out them. Highs comes with lots of lows and it becomes a cycle. Once you leave you will need time to reflect on what a healthy loving relationship should look like....

Original poster
ipadbabysitter · 03/10/2018 21:28

I'm so sorry @Notwhoyouthink35, that's brilliant you've managed to get out though.

Similar to you, I am otherwise independent and strong so I find it hard to accept this is abuse (though I know it is and have told him so). I fight back with words which makes him crosser and crosser, then our arguments escalate to nuclear. I then minimize this - he's so verbally wounding like nothing I've ever known before - and tell myself all couples argue Sad But they don't, not like this!

OP posts:
medusa83 · 03/10/2018 21:35

Ltb. He won't change. You are putting up with aggressive and controlling behaviour.

I left mine and am now married to a wonderful man and am so much happier.

opalescent · 03/10/2018 21:39

Leave, as soon as possible. Your relationship with this man will influence your children in ways you can't imagine now.

I have been there and done it. I know how hard it feels, but the 'happy periods' between outbursts are not real. They are classic of the cycle of abuse.

No relationship that features these episodes is healthy or positive. It is draining and utterly miserable in the long run.

You have EVERYTHING to gain by leaving.

Original poster
ipadbabysitter · 03/10/2018 21:47

@opalescent I think I need to focus on the DCs and they will get me through this. You're right, it's a cycle

OP posts:
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