To ask for strength to leave my abusive DP?

[ipadbabysitter]

I know he has issues and he needs help... he is getting help from a therapist. But tonight he walked in to the pub as I was chatting to a mate of his (waiting for him) and he went bonkers: he ripped the wing mirror off my car and tore the strap off my handbag. He was very aggressive and when I told him this he said I was over-reacting and acting like a princess.

I know his behaviour is emotional/verbal abuse and gaslighting, but I love him so much. We have these isolated incidents once every three months or so and it shakes me to the core. I am a strong independent woman but am classic 'my love will make him change': it clearly can't. I think I need to be told to LTB firmly. I hate to think of my life without him in it, though, when the other times we have are so lovely.

Writing this down more than anything so he won't be able to talk me down tomorrow and I will remember how wretched he made me feel tonight.

Help?

@ipadbabysitter

I did this too, and because I argued back I convinced myself it was an ‘argument’ rather than abuse. Leave him while you have no ties. I remember the first time my abuser went mad, I was terrified. It became normal though, I was completely desensitised to his behaviour.

He won't change. No matter how much you want him to, hope he will, or think you're maybe seeing him 'turn the corner', he won't change.

The only change you can make is leaving. I've been there, it's shit - leaving the comfort of a life together, facing the upheaval and having to start afresh. It's like being in a bath where the water's going cold; you know you'll feel better when you're out, dry and wrapped in a big fluffy towel, but there's that awful moment of actually getting out where you're freezing. So you stay in the water a bit longer, knowing that it's not going to get any warmer.

One thing I will say though, is that leaving is the time when you're most at risk because he'll finally have lost control over you and abusers like this thrive on control. Get your ducks in a row before you go - get any vital paperwork like passports secretely stashed away. Get some money stashed away too, if your finances aren't already separate. Have somewhere to go - either friends or family with whom you can stay, or a plan as to where you're going to go. Present the situation as "I have left" rather than "I am leaving".

And have people to back you up because not only will leaving be hard (be prepared for All The Charm In The World to try and make you remember why you loved him) but because he probably won't want to kick off in front of someone else. Stay safe x

I work with children who have witnessed domestic abuse and violence. Please, please don't let this man under the same roof as your babies. The outcome has the potential to be heartbreaking.

Make a plan and get rid of this abusive arse. But do some research and get a plan in place. Phone Women's aid if you need to.

I hope you can stay strong and see this through x

Forget his issues, they are his problem..

You need to think of yourself and get away . I know it is hard. I have left an emotionally abusive ex only recently. But believe me it feels so good just to type that.

You can find the strength to leave. Remember that it is absolutely best for your children not to see you with an abusive aggressive man and do it for their sake.

just left one utter abusive demon

it is so so hard

please run
run fast
do not tell him
call in sick to work
bags ready and children with you and run
do not tell him where you are he will then start begging you to return
he will be nice for a few days and then with time become more and more vicious

so sorry you been through this
life will be so much better away from scum like that

@Notwhoyouthink35 that's exactly it. The first time he behaved like this I was on the floor sobbing because I was so terrified. Now I shout back but it doesn't make a difference, he doesn't listen.

They’re not isolated incidents, op, they are regular.

You can’t change him.
You can’t fix him.

He’s abusive.
LTB and start living a happier life.

@looondonn it is so bloody hard. Do you mind me asking how you found the strength to not go back? I worry that I will believe his apologies

@ILoveAnOwl thank you, I don't want my children around abuse at all.

There's no point fighting back with words.

All you're doing with this reaction is to validate HIS belief that you need to justify yourself to him. I know because I made this mistake for years. I made such excellent points, I argued my case so well, I was so reasonable. But it counted for nothing because he just gave my words an entirely different meaning.

Whatever reaction to give, on the floor sobbing or fighting back, it is only serving to validate him. Your distress or your anger, either, they make him feel powerful. He will look at you angry sobbing or pleading and on an unconscious level he knows that he did that to you, he has the power to put you in that state of distress.

You're not up in the dock defending yourself against the charges he has laid against you so please don't behave now as though you were obligated to defend yourself to him.

You have no obligation at all to win his approval or to defend yourself.

Summons up all of your strength now to walk away knowing that he thinks you're a cheat, a princess, a drama queen, over reacting, cold, cruel, heartless blah blah blah blah BLAH - but do not defend yourself. Allow him to think whatever the hell he's going to think. It's no business of yours. Walk away and leave him to his toxic thoughts.

Would you be happy if this was your daughter being treated like this? Or if this was your son treating his girlfriend like this? If the answer is no then you know you have to leave

Thank you @BrightYellowDaffodil, the bath metaphor is perfect. Luckily I have my own house and finances but the emotional ties are so strong, that will be the difficult thing to sever. But I am so cross at the way he behaved today - I want to remember this always!

Thank you @blackteasplease, I think if I didn't have the DCs I'd go straight back but I don't want them around this

Do. Document every time he makes you feel MISERABLE> Write down not just what he said to you but how it made you feel.

I used to plan to leave after my x had been abusive (He would rant at me for hours, I knew it wasn't normal) but then things would go back to normal and then the next time I pushed for any small need or right, he'd do the same thing again.

But I began to feel, well, I put up with it up til now so why leave now?

It began to feel ludicrously dramatic to actually LEAVE, like I was a parody of a soap opera character. I can't believe now that doing the right thing for me seemed ''too dramatic'' and I almost just stayed.

Leave him OP. It will become more frequent and more violent (verbally/physically). Get your locks changed, tell your friends and family, your neighbours, all on the same day. Then tell him it's over. Inform the school. Let everyone watch out for you.

Once you've told him keep your doors and windows locked.

You, and your children deserve better! A happier, calmer life.

It will be incredibly hard to do. But you sound strong. You can make that break.

I did it, with a 1 and 4 year old. Six years later I'm happy, settled, life is good. Good luck 🍀

@UserMillionBillion god this all sounds so familiar. I have written down tonight what happened