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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Private school

31 replies

Edinburgh2012 · 03/10/2018 19:50

I have 3 children, aged 11, 8, 3 - the oldest two go to a wonderful private school. My intention is to continue and send the youngest to the same school also, however I have faced criticism from other parents of current 'classmates' (nursery) over this decision. I have never experienced this with the older two as I had different 'mum friends' who were making a similar decision.

Am I being unreasonable to think I can send my child wherever I like, and my decision to do so doesn't effect them or there children?

OP posts:

Stinkbomb · 03/10/2018 19:52

Surely that's obvious, however you shouldn't help your children with their English homework if you don't know which 'their' to use.

Whereisthegin1978 · 03/10/2018 19:54

You can send your child where you like. It won’t affect them although you probably won’t remain friends if they are that critical of your decisions

MissusGeneHunt · 03/10/2018 19:55

Your children, your decision. There's pro's and con's to both, and it's down to the individual schools in terms of benefits. Probably misplaced envy, personally I'd tell them to stick it, possibly not v politely either!

Original poster

Edinburgh2012 · 03/10/2018 19:57

It's not that I doubt my choice, I'm just more baffled at the fact that they feel it necessary to voice an opinion on it and whats changed in the 5 years since I was last having these conversations.

Thankfully my husband is the linguist, I did a maths degree - English homework is his forte.

OP posts:

YetAnotherThing · 03/10/2018 20:09

Misplaced envy. My daughter is at state school and I am happy with it (great school) but the thing that makes me most tense is that I have no real choice of state school due to tiny catchment areas (100-200m central london). When my friends go private, I am happy for them and the thing I’m jealous of is the freedom to be able to move a child when the state school (or even private school) can’t provide what they need. It’s weird people feel they need to justify (like private health insurance).

Daisymay2 · 03/10/2018 20:13

Yep- envy.

Ellisandra · 03/10/2018 20:16

Nothing’s changed in the last 5 years.
You’ve explained it yourself - last time you were discussing this with people who could afford / wanted to go private, this time you aren’t.

Some people will think it’s the wrong decision - but they’re rude to share that. Others may simply be jealous. For those who are jealous, you possibly don’t help that if you use phrases like “wonderful private school” as you did here. It’s a bit of a given that you’re not going to pay for something that you don’t think is wonderful - so it could come across insensitively to those who can’t afford the same opportunity. That might get their backs up and make them defensive, and therefore more likely to shout down your choice?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/10/2018 20:16

Disregard em,you’ll not have to see them again anyway
By all means they can express a POV about education but not berate you
Don’t give it a further thought

ASauvignonADay · 03/10/2018 20:16

You are not being U in deciding where you send your kids.

I disagree that they are necessarily envious. Maybe it depends in which circles you socialise in. I know more friends who are anti sending their kids to private schools than pro. Some very strongly anti too.

jacks11 · 03/10/2018 20:27

Of course YANBU re your choice of schools. I find some people can be a bit odd and, on occasion, quite rude, about my DC going to private school.

However, I find it reasonably easy to ignore them- I don't need or particularly care for their approval regarding my choices regarding my children's education. Occasionally I am flabbergasted at the rude manner in which they express their disapproval though!

I think the reasons people care are varied. Sometimes it's pure jealousy or inverse snobbery. For some people I think it is because they do have a genuine ideological objection to private education.

FullOfJellyBeans · 03/10/2018 20:33

Well some people are against private school. They are entitled to disagree with your decision, but you are entitled to have a different opinion and send your child to private school. Did they not realise your elder two were already at the school?

GoodHeavensNoImAChicken · 03/10/2018 20:35

People get jealous, people try and justify their own different choices.

You do you, do what’s best for your children, hold your head high and carry on with your life.

FWIW, I was privately educated with huge sacrifices made by my parents and they received a lot of stick. It was best for me and to this day I’m still so grateful for the opportunities provided.

JacquesHammer · 03/10/2018 20:36

Some people are opposed to private school. Some are envious.

Many years ago I knew someone who professed to be the latter. She used to send me lengthy diatribes about how awful private education was.

She’s obviously changed her mind as her kids are now both at private school

Ignore them OP. Educate your child how you want.

SparklyLeprechaun · 03/10/2018 20:38

OP, considering your eldest is 11 you should have learnt by now that any decision related to your children is every busybody's business. It starts when you're pregnant and never stops.

hooveringhamabeads · 03/10/2018 20:41

What’s changed in the last 5 years? Quite a lot...schools getting a lot less funding, councils either bankrupt or on the verge of bankruptcy. Teachers leaving in droves due to ridiculous demands.

I don’t think you need to question whether you’re doing the right thing. If I had the money I would send my dc private, and no I probably wouldn’t have said that 5 years ago.

Peachypips · 03/10/2018 20:54

Depends on the group of women. I very anti private school. I think it is utterly unfair and elitist. I also think attitudes of young people who are a product of the private school system can be appalling (I did my teaching practice at one 20 yrs ago).

However, you can do whatever you like- who cares what they think!

Rebecca36 · 03/10/2018 20:56

People should mind their own business. You do what you feel is right for your children at the time and as long as they are happy, all is well.

Allineedyoutodois · 03/10/2018 21:00

I’m not envious, I just don’t think that buying privilege is anything to be proud of or that private school sets you up to deal with the real world or the majority of people. We could afford private school but choose not to. But it’s your choice. You’re hardly going to send the 3rd child to state school to curry favour with friends are you?

TeddybearBaby · 03/10/2018 21:03

You can never win. You’d be criticised for treating them differently if you didn’t do the same for all 3 I bet! The correction to your grammar - how unnecessary! I’m just jealous that you have such freedom and choices! You’re lucky. Ignore judgmental people, as hard as it is 💐

Mightymousie · 03/10/2018 21:30

@allyouneedtodois going to private school is not buying privilege. It’s being lucky enough to opt out of the hideous state system and what it has become. It’s being able to send your children to schools of your choice, not necessarily an option with state and it’s buying education with often better settings, better equipment and smaller class sizes. There’s also a huge difference between state schools. Some are very good, some that are rated ‘good’ are not very good. The experiences I’ve had with different schools are hugely different and I’m home educating 2 children because the school they tried at was awful. We had moved and their previous state school was really good and staff brilliant. The difference was huge. I can’t afford to go private but I would if I could.
OP just do what is right for you and your family.

cadburyegg · 03/10/2018 21:37

Yes envy or inverse snobbery.

FWIW we would send our dc to private school if we could afford it but we can’t and that’s that. I’m very happy for others who have that choice and feel its best for their dc.

twoshedsjackson · 03/10/2018 22:06

I was educated in the state system; I never imagined, when I trained as a teacher, that I would do anything other than continue in the same system. I was very happy doing just that for many years. Then the miserable arithmetic started to kick in. Cash-strapped schools had to consider the cost of having experienced, qualified teachers. You'd think twenty-odd years of varied experience and an additional degree in my specialist subject would be an advantage, but actually, I priced myself out of the market.
When I got a job in the independent sector, I was gently ribbed by my (staunchly socialist) family for "ratting out" and I do realise that the system is unfair, but sadly, that's how it goes. Private schools do not pay more for better-qualified teachers and smaller staff:pupil ratios because they are kind, cuddly lovers of the teacher tribe, it's a hard-headed business decision. The state system as it has become is not what it was.
FWIW, at one stage, I had a lovely lad in my form one year whose parents were both OFSTED inspectors; do what I say.........

GunpowderGelatine · 03/10/2018 22:13

We send ours private and have had a few arsey remarks along the "buying privilege" and "no experience of the real world" - I honestly don't give a shit though. Not their problem. Maybe I am buying my kids privilege - good, I'm pleased, I want them to do well. This trend of appearing to martyr yourself in the name of, I dunno, socialism(?) is a tad pathetic, as I assume people don't buy houses in crappy areas or feed their kids rubbish to avoid "buying privilege". I honestly think it's envy dressed up as superiority.

SillySallySingsSongs · 03/10/2018 22:19

Yes envy or inverse snobbery.

Why is this always the automatic go to?

It could be that they don't understand the decision if state schools around are good as contrary to common believe private isn't always better, by any stretch, or that they are anti private education.

UpOnTheDowns · 03/10/2018 22:22

This trend of appearing to martyr yourself in the name of, I dunno, socialism(?) is a tad pathetic, as I assume people don't buy houses in crappy areas or feed their kids rubbish to avoid "buying privilege".

Hahaha! But wouldn't it be funny/tragic if they did? "Down the hatch with these fruit shoots, Cosmo, we're not buying any nutritional privilege for you! Principles matter, you know."

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