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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday hell

59 replies

josie231976 · 03/10/2018 18:11

Each year a member of the family rents a lovely house and invites us to join them. I cant face it next year. But the email has just arrived. How does one decline without kicking off a shit storm

OP posts:

oldmum22 · 03/10/2018 19:01

Just tell the truth. Really sorry, but as the kids have got older I have realised that the upheaval they have to go on holiday, has a massive knock on affect to their well being. We would like to try a staycation ,to see if the kids enjoy that better. If your Mum wants to go , arrange for her to go with someone else, even if it means you driving her to their house .
Good luck and stick to your guns.

mimibunz · 03/10/2018 19:02

Tell them you’re washing your hair that week.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 03/10/2018 19:02

Would I be right in guessing that your mum wouldn't go without you?

Ellie56 · 03/10/2018 19:03

Just say the kids can't cope with so many people around and you're not doing it. Surely mum can go without you if it's family?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/10/2018 19:03

Good luck. We have a complicated family summer holiday dynamic and I wish we could work out a way to break the cycle and make it more enjoyable. I have no magic solutions though.. Sorry..

Bowerbird5 · 03/10/2018 19:07

Could you get two cottages so they have some quiet time.

ForalltheSaints · 03/10/2018 19:09

Decline. You are giving plenty of notice.

Candlelights2345 · 03/10/2018 19:10

Do a Phoebe from Friends “No, sorry. Because I don’t want to” 😁😁😁

Seriously though, I’d tell them the kids find it too hard.

myron · 03/10/2018 19:10

Just put it out there that you need a much deserved respite from your Mum.

CoolCarrie · 03/10/2018 19:10

Tell your mum she is welcome to go on her own, however you and your family are going to stay at home next year or have decided to go elsewhere. Stick to your guns. As pp said tell the truth, it isn’t a holiday for you if your dc are upset.

myron · 03/10/2018 19:11

And your Mum needs a respite from you....

speakout · 03/10/2018 19:13

Can't think of anything worse than a holiday with other families- related or otherwise.

letsdolunch321 · 03/10/2018 19:14

Be upfront say no am happy for mum to join you. No way would I waste money on something that I am dreading for months before it happens.

Use the main excuse as your work won’t allow time off, they should ne aware working in a school is difficult to take leave in term time.

Sell it to your mum as it will give her a chance to enjoy other family members company.

eddielizzard · 03/10/2018 19:14

You'll have to weather the storm. But through it, keep the idea of what it would be like if you DID go, in case you feel like caving.

SallySangFroid · 03/10/2018 19:16

“Thank you very much for the kind invitation. We really appreciate you asking us. However, this year we’ve decided to stay at home for the holidays, as it suits the children better. I hope you understand and also hope you have a marvellous time on holiday.”

Holidays with all the family make me feel a bit sick. Terrible experience with holiday with all my in laws once. Never ever again. I am blunt as fuck about all invitations from in laws since. I used to be obliging and go along with things. So in a way the terrible holiday did me a massive favour as I now have learnt to say “no thank you”.

myron · 03/10/2018 19:18

We did a duty extended family holiday this year (after a few years of respite). Everyone was on their best behaviour but it was still stressful and a lot of lip biting. MIL took that as a sign of success and suggested booking another for next year straight after - we declined. It's not a holiday if it's too much hard work. Not only do you have to take annual leave but you have to pay x amount for a holiday that is not your choice. I'm in my late 40's and it's taken me an extremely long time to stop being polite about this. Stick to your guns and don't be emotionally blackmailed.

Tistheseason17 · 03/10/2018 19:19

If you tell them the kids find it too hard you will get all sorts of responses saying it'll be fine, which you will struggle to get out of.

If you don't want to go simply say, "thanks for the invite but we have other plans next year - have a great time with Mum, though, she'd still love to come"

bluetrampolines · 03/10/2018 19:20

Sorry. I thought i was being a bit funny.

I guess the point in making is you should do what you want.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/10/2018 19:20

Remember that if you graciously decline this year AND STICK TO YOUR GUNS, it will be easier to decline next year when/if the same situation arises as the precedent has been set. Your mum and family will now know you aren’t a pushover. So would you rather ride out the storm this year knowing you’ve started your own holiday tradition for years to come, or knuckle under and have a miserable time each year for the rest of your lives. I know what I’d do!

As far as your mum, encourage her to go and make her journey there as pleasant as you can afford so she’ll have one less thing to complain about. First class rail? Pay her airfare? The one thing I wouldn’t do if I felt it might get sticky would be to offer to drive her.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/10/2018 19:25

Thank yo ufor the invitation. Mum would love to come, but we've already made plans to focus on the kids this year and so we won't be coming. Have fun.

Ride out the storm with the overbearing relatives. THEY ARE NOT THE BOSS OF YOU. Even though they've spent years thinking they are. Your kids are your family and they come first. If the rellies try to impose their will on you and make you feel pressurised or bad.. Stick it out.. win this match and you will find it easier to win the rest.

Original poster

josie231976 · 03/10/2018 19:28

Thank you people i feel almost ready to decline x
Mum can go easily without me

OP posts:

steppemum · 03/10/2018 19:31

the other way to a solution would be to change how you do a big family away holiday.
So instead of one large house (hell) you rent small cottages in a row, and agree that you do own breakfast and eat together every second day for example

juneau · 03/10/2018 19:31

The first time you say 'no' is always the hardest, but it gets MUCH easier after that, because you've set a precedent. I try never to always go to anything, that way there is no expectation. If you don't want your family to pick holes in your reason, give none. Just say a gracious 'thanks, but not this year' and then STICK TO IT.

MrsExpo · 03/10/2018 19:42

Email back and say DH will be driving mother to (location), and driving back (or staying overnight and driving back, depending on distance) and you and DCs will be staying at home as the kids don’t cope well with the group situation. Oh .... and would they be good enough to drop mother back at yours after the holiday to save DH a return trip. Win, win ..... you get your DH and DCs to yourself for a few days.

NoCanoe · 03/10/2018 19:42

If it makes you feel better, then your mum needs a break from you tiresome lot!

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