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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to live with my mum?

29 replies

SelfishDDIAm · 03/10/2018 16:21

I do sympathise with her. She lives in a high crime, high drug dealing area and she wants to get out. Her car has been vandalised 3 times, she regularly sees the police on her street, and the only outdoor space in her block of flats is a playground which is dangerous for the children as it’s covered in needles and used condoms.

She’s in a council flat, and has been told she’s band 5 to move (absolute lowest priority there’s 5 bands, 1 being highest) so is unlikely to move within a few years. So she wants me and DD, aged 3 to move in with her so we can claim we’re overcrowded and move (she also has my disabled brother living with her – he has a lot of independence but does need reminders to shower or to eat).

But I don’t want to. I was lucky with my flat as I live in an ok area, close to DDs Nursery and I’m close enough to my mum that she can visit everyday if she wants but I can still have my own life. I like my independence, and I don’t want to feel guilty for staying up late, or watching something on the telly that my mum doesn’t like. I also have a cat, my mum has two cats and when we’ve tried to introduce them all before they didn’t like each other, so I’d have to get rid of my cat who means the world to me and my DD. I’d also lose my tax credits and most of my housing benefit due to my mum working which I know isn’t a huge thing but I like being financially independent. I work but get ¾ of my rent paid as I can only work PT due to DDs age and me being an LP – I do also get CB and DLA for DD (she has developmental delays and mobility issues).

AIBU and selfish? I feel really guilty that I won’t help my mum move. But I don’t feel like I can help. Even if I helped her then moved out later, I’d have to go back on the list myself and with my mum having a big enough place I’d be unlikely to get anywhere. I currently privately rent, but it’s a secure tenancy that the council helped me get, the LL has given me a contract for 5 years – I’m on year 2 of that so I’d have to pay to get out of my own tenancy.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 03/10/2018 16:23

You are not selfish, you are putting your child first.

Winterfellismyhome · 03/10/2018 16:24

YANBU

Basecamp65 · 03/10/2018 16:25

If you live with your mum you would lose your housing benefit but nothing else - her income is not taken into consideration when calculating your benefits. You are treated as two separate families.

My daughter lives with me as it saves so much money and we are both considerably better off.

This does not address all the other concerns though!!

Cath2907 · 03/10/2018 16:26

yanbu, your mum is.

Hadalifeonce · 03/10/2018 16:27

YANBU. Neither are you being selfish.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2018 16:27

No!! Stay put.

I understand your mum's problems but it's not for you to fix them.

Does she work or is it possible she could look in a completely different area where she might stand more chance? She's unable to get a private let I assume?

It's horrible but you can't do that to your DD.

IdaBWells · 03/10/2018 16:28

Don't do it, put yourself and your dd first. You could end up trapped there never being able to move out. I'm sorry for your mum's situation but she made her choices in life and has to take some responsibility for them. It is not your job to rescue her.

niknac1 · 03/10/2018 16:29

I don’t think you are in a position to help your mum, there’s far too much for you to lose. She really should appreciate it.

Original poster
SelfishDDIAm · 03/10/2018 16:30

She works yes, but PT due to having to help care for my brother. She's separated from my dad and he helps care for my brother when she's at work but like I said he's very independent just needs reminders to wash or eat or put his washing by the machine (he's ASD if it matters).

OP posts:
DailyMailWankers · 03/10/2018 16:31

I cant believe your mum would have you and DD move to such a bad area! She is the selfish one.

YADNBU

IdaBWells · 03/10/2018 16:33

Don't let your mum emotionally blackmail you, you are entitled to be happy and live your own life.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 03/10/2018 16:34

No chance.

Littletabbyocelot · 03/10/2018 16:37

I think if you're mum suddenly became overcrowded they'd ask questions. If you'd given up a secure place, that you could afford to become overcrowded they'd ask lots of questions. I'm not sure they'd see they had to rehouse you as a group. Maybe you and your daughter but it might be a 'your choice, your problem' scenario.

SaucyJack · 03/10/2018 16:43

No chance! I doubt it would work anyway. They’d see that you’d given up your secure home and class you as having made yourself intentionally homeless, so it won’t get your Mum further up the list. You’d just all be stuck there.

There’s nothing for you or your Mum to gain, and everything for you and your DD to lose.

BasicUsername · 03/10/2018 16:51

Your mum is BU for trying to get her daughter and grandchild to move to an area that she is desperate to escape from.

She is very selfish.

serbska · 03/10/2018 16:52

NO WAY NO CHANCE NO NO NO

flopsyrabbit1 · 03/10/2018 16:54

no no no stay where you are

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2018 16:55

It's shocking that your mother would even WANT her daughter and grand daughter to move there. You would think she would be happy you don't! Her level of selfishness is truly unbelievable. Moving there would be a massive mistake.

Stillme1 · 03/10/2018 17:41

I don't think you and DD moving into DM's house is the answer. You have a better house which suits you and DD and your Dcat.
What about trying to help you DM in another way. Helping her to work more hours so that she can save for a deposit on a private rent like yours. You could speak to your LL to see if they have other properties or know of someone with more suitable properties.
Has your mum been in the house a long time and the area has changed or did she move there more recently but not know what the area was really like.
There are some companies/charities who help with deposits for private rents. Maybe try to find one in your area.
It is such a shame that people have to live in areas like you describe.

CoughLaughFart · 03/10/2018 17:53

No chance! I doubt it would work anyway. They’d see that you’d given up your secure home and class you as having made yourself intentionally homeless, so it won’t get your Mum further up the list. You’d just all be stuck there..

Exactly. You would all be worse off in this scenario.

sadiekate · 03/10/2018 17:53

Absolutely absolutely YANBU. No way should you move your daughter into such a dangerous area. You've got to put her first. And as others have said, it may well not even do any good - who can know how long you'd all be stuck there? I think it's pretty selfish of your mum to ask actually.
There's also a couple of red flags you raise about not wanting to feel guilty for staying up late, watching your own choice of TV programme etc. That suggests to me that your mum wouldn't really appreciate the sacrifice you'd be making, as otherwise she would feel that letting you watch whatever you wanted on TV was the least she could do! Reading between the lines, it maybe feels like your mum puts her own needs first.
Definitely don't do this. X

Original poster
SelfishDDIAm · 03/10/2018 17:54

She moved there while I was pregnant with DD and it was a bit rough but it's got progressively worse.

Not sure how I could help her work more hours? I have no help with DD from her DF (long story) so when I'm not working I'm looking after my DD.

She doesn't want to private rent as if she has to move every 6 months or 12 months or whatever that's really unsettling for my brother - he can't work as unfortunately he wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago (despite my mum pushing school and nhs for a diagnosis) so he has no support really so she's making the best of a bad situation.

OP posts:
Stillme1 · 03/10/2018 18:01

Oh dear a bit of a stalemate.
Maybe the answer is to carry on living where she is or try to get a private long term rent so that she is not moving every 6 months. As a LL myself I would only ever agree to an initial 6 months until I can see what the tenants are like and how they will treat my property.
I have family living in the type of area you describe, I wish they didn't as they have kids.

I had not thought about the security of Council/Housing Association tenancy.
It just depends on how much she wants to move from the area against the possibility of moving frequently

Rebecca36 · 03/10/2018 18:02

You're not being unreasonable, she cannot reasonably expect you and children to move in with her when you have a safe place. However in your situation I would let my mum sleep at my place quite a lot and push (if necessary on medical grounds, there are all sorts of ways to do that), for her to be rehoused somewhere safer.

It's an outrage that she should have to live like that.

juneau · 03/10/2018 18:06

Stay put OP. You're right that you can't help her - and quite honestly, she's being manipulative and mean to put this pressure on you to do something that would be completely against what is right for you and your DD. Put your DD first and keep your place. As you say, you might (or might not), be able to bump your mum up the housing ladder, but where would that leave you? Stuck at home with your DM, DB and DD for the foreseeable future. Stick to your guns. You're doing what is right for you and your DD and she's being totally unreasonable and selfish by making you feel guilty.