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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Meeting ex’s new girlfriend

28 replies

Mamabear29 · 03/10/2018 15:10

Hi all, am I being unreasonable wanting to meet my ex’s new girlfriend before she spends time with our kids? We’ve only been separated a matter of months, they apparently got together a few days later but that’s up for debate ! I’m actually trying to be mature about the whole situation I just don’t feel comfortable my kids spending so much time with someone I have never met?

OP posts:

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 15:15

Unfortunately he isn't obliged to arrange a meeting. Legally you have to trust his judgement..
.
Morally of course he is a twat - but you already know that!!

ManorGreyhound · 03/10/2018 15:22

YABU. I totally get where you're coming from, and I'd feel exactly the same, but there's unfortunately nothing you can do about it.

Mari50 · 03/10/2018 15:34

Totally understand how you feel however YABU. And unless you want your ex to ask the same of you then i’d let it go.
Honestly, it won’t make you feel any better and it won’t make any difference to the outcome (she’ll still meet them and spend time with them if you like her or not)

Agentornika · 03/10/2018 15:38

I don't think I'd ever want to meet them

PinkHeart5914 · 03/10/2018 15:38

Yes I think you are being unreasonable tbh, he is also the parent and can therefore use his judgement to who his dc meet I’m the time they spend with him.

If you meet someone next month are you really going to make him do a sit down cup of tea and meet your ex? Really in the real world who does that?

sazzle27 · 03/10/2018 15:47

Yes.. unreasonable..

However when I got with my OH, I was told that I was not allowed to meet the kids until I met OH's ex.

To keep it amicable he agreed with it, and we did it all on one day - met the ex and then the kids...

I was sh*tting myself meeting his ex, but it reassured her, and things are as amicable as I think they will ever manage to be between an ex and the new partner...

So i understand why you want to, and you never know, mention it to your ex.
Just be willing to do the same for him when you meet a new partner - he deserves the opportunity to meet your new DP int he future before he meets the kids too iyswim. Fairs fair etc

Jaxtellerswife · 03/10/2018 15:48

Thankfully my partners ex did not ask this. I wouldn't have done it anyway.
It's not a nice situation for you though

Original poster

Mamabear29 · 03/10/2018 15:55

I would do the same if he wanted to when I meet someone new. It’s not about us it’s about the kids in my mind, they’ve already made horrible sneaky decisions previous to this which is why I feel so uncomfortable her being around the kids, I know I can’t force it, I’m not saying I expect that, I was just asking for opinions.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2018 15:59

they apparently got together a few days later but that’s up for debate

Ouch. I don't think I'd want to meet her but can understand why you do.

It's still really early days for her to meeting your DC at all. Does your Ex not understand this?

mariinaa · 03/10/2018 16:01

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all!
You have EVERY right to know who your children are spending time with..
Personally I get quite angry when I find out my daughter has been around people I don’t know e.g when my partner’s mother decides it is okay to take my baby to meet people I don’t know without my knowledge..

You are their mama! And you have a protective instinct, you want to know what kind of person your kids will spend time with and establish rules with them.

Feefeetrixabelle · 03/10/2018 16:03

I think formal meeting would be unreasonable. I don’t think it would be unreasonable for you to say you’d like her there one day when he picks up/drops off just so you can say hi and introduce yourself so the children see you moving on amicably.

PikaPikaTink · 03/10/2018 16:09

As a gf in this situation I don't think you're being unreasonable as long as it's something relaxed like saying hello at a drop off rather than summoning her for an interrogation.

hamabr86 · 03/10/2018 16:15

I met my partners ex before spending more time with the kids. I had actually met them before at a family gathering but my DP hadn't initially mentioned it because he's a wimp. It was a real pain as she had moved a couple of hundred miles away with no notice and so it left us having to decide if I would move up with him / trying to coincide the drive to sort our lives out with him seeing the kids and she was being really difficult about the times and childcare so I ended up meeting her by myself while DP took them to the park having clandestinely met her to take them off her elsewhere.

It was utterly frustrating to be honest but I could understand why she wanted to. I doubt she'll give us the same courtesy if she brings someone home though.

hamabr86 · 03/10/2018 16:20

My point after this ramble is that YANBU to want to meet her...

hazell42 · 03/10/2018 16:23

I understand why you want to, but you cant demand this.
You could ask though.
But if you did meet, you should keep it strictly about your children. She may or may not have played a part in your break up but if you drag that up you will never be able to set the ground rules again

Ringonrighthand · 03/10/2018 16:28

I am with you OP. I felt the same, our timeline is very similar too with the break up. I asked my ex to hold off on introducing his new girlfriend to our daughter for a while but he went ahead and did it anyway. I insisted on meeting her though when they had a few days away in a hotel and I wanted to know who my daughter was sharing a room with. I also used to consider things like if they went to a theme park etc then another woman was taking her to the toilet etc (she was only 5). We did it very casually, they popped in to my house to pick my DD up on the way to the hotel and all came in for 5/10 mins, We are two years down the line now and I had my ex and his gf and her kid all at my daughters birthday party this weekend, all amicable. Good luck I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

Belina · 03/10/2018 18:40

How old are your kids? Would say it depends on this

John4703 · 03/10/2018 18:51

YANBU They are your children so you have every right to know who they meet.
You have no right to decide who your ex meets but you can ask yo meet anyone who will be with your children. Maybe no legal right but they are your children so a moral right.

Original poster

Mamabear29 · 03/10/2018 19:54

Kids are 2 years and 3 month old

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 03/10/2018 19:58

Personally, I don't think either parent should be introducing partners of a few months to children.

Equally, I don't think one parent has the right to demand a meeting with their ex's new partner either (unless there are serious safeguarding issues in which case contact centre should be the way forward).

Notacluewhatthisis · 03/10/2018 19:58

Honestly, if exh wanted to have a proper meet up with Dp, I would tell him to jog on.

I am my kids parent. As much as him and I don't have to run people by him, to have them around my child. I wouldnt introduce a new female friend to exh either.

tillytrotter1 · 03/10/2018 20:05

If you are insisting on meeting his girlfriends it's only fair that you reciprocate and introduce any of your boyfriends to him. Despite the grabby attitude re children on here, the father has as much right as the mother where they're concerned, anything else is selfish and petty.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/10/2018 20:11

I've met both my ex's GFs. It's brilliant - do it!

I had the first one round for lunch. She was sweet but clearly an emotional nutjob. I knew it'd finish in a ball of flames/bunny casserole, so it cheered me up when he'd start on his "I've never felt so happy" BS that he only said to hurt me.

The second one, ExDH invited me round to meet at his place. I thought she was great, they're insanely well suited. Sadly she went psycho a few years into their relationship (because he's awful, and makes go psycho) and now won't speak to me, which makes things inconvenient about arranging stuff with the D.C. but never mind.

Darkstar4855 · 03/10/2018 20:17

I met my partner’s ex soon after meeting his son for the first time. I was so nervous but it was actually a really positive thing - she was lovely. It was probably easier in our case because she and my partner had broken up about five years before I met him but I liked being able to put a face to the name and to assure her that I cared about her son’s welfare and wouldn’t rush things or knowingly do anything that would upset or unsettle him.

I think it’s very reasonable that a mother would want to meet the person her child is going to be spending time with.

Belina · 03/10/2018 20:22

I dont think you're being unreasonable then the kids are young and you need to know who they are going to be around

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