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Original poster

To view this as cheating and be struggling to forgive

35 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 14:53

I'm struggling. Just had a baby 12 weeks ago. Partner was on a fetish site which is used for meetups plus networking (didn't bother me ). Found out when I was very pregnant and post birth he was on the site adding new people to use their images for self gratification. These are women local to our area but no chat etc. I viewed this as cheating almost and a breach of trust, he feels it was like porn. To me it really is very very different (my personal choice but I'd ahve no issue with porn as we couldn't have sex at the time due to my birth injuries). He has apologised after I explained my feelings and deleted the site.
Problem is ...I can't change how I feel and how betrayed I am. It's sounds insane but to me I was very vulnerable at that time and this was a complete breach of trust.
We have a young baby, I have no idea how to move on.
Am I being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
RangeRider · 03/10/2018 14:58

To me it's porn because it sounds like he had no intention of making contact and was just using it in exactly the same way as he would any other pornographic image. The fact that the woman are local is irrelevant if there's no intention to contact. Just view it as pornography - it's really no different to buying Playboy.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 15:00

Okay. It's the adding people bit that I find off , if it was exhausting people or groups on there then yeah I'd prob agree. It just made me feel shitty due to timing but pnd etc prob has squewed my view tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 15:00

Thank you for replying

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 15:01

...existing not exhausting - bloody autocorrect

OP posts:
RangeRider · 03/10/2018 15:01

Think of it as adding pictures, not people. Because that's what it is effectively.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 03/10/2018 15:11

I disagree its the difference of your dh saying he fancies a celebrity to saying he fancies someone he works with. Even with there being no intention of cheating it would still bother me.
Some people view porn as cheating. I know how I would feel but If YOU feel bothered by it then you don’t have to accept it. If he loves you he will stop and work on your relationship.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 15:19

Tbh it's the timing of it as I had just had the baby so it was a shock.
He's deleted site and understands how I feel. So I guess I have to move on, just struggling to. Which I know is a bit silly but I am

OP posts:
lolaflores · 03/10/2018 15:30

I think you have been very tolerant but it has the potential to get to another level and he would want to scale it back and be a bit more sensitive to your reactions.
YOu are very accepting, I don't know if my stand point would reflect your tolerance and as I am not into any fetishes or porn I can't say I would have been that happy in the first place but at least you know what he is doing and into its just where it might lead. And I think it was always be just one more step further. How do you contain it?

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2018 15:34

Im not really sure I understand your position if I'm honest.

Your ok with him using the site. You're ok with him using porn, you're ok with him using pics of women from the fetish website, but you're not ok if they are local women? They need to be from further afield?

I think I can see how he may not have understood this.

RatRolyPoly · 03/10/2018 15:34

If it's just like porn can't he stick to "stranger porn" in future then? I mean it's easy to see why you might feel there was a difference, and if he's telling you there isn't one he'd be more than happy to never do it again, right? And apologise profusely for inadvertantly upsetting you? That would be what I'd expect him to do now that he knows he's crossed a line for you and left you feeling pretty uncomfortable about things.

BuntyII · 03/10/2018 15:46

It sounds like you've been trying to be ok with whatever he wants to do but a line has to be drawn somewhere. Most women would not be ok with their partner using a hook up site and wanking over women on it at any time, let alone when they've just had a baby. Time to redraw the boundaries and move on I think.

AlphaBravo · 03/10/2018 15:54

It's just 'real' porn. That's what I view it as. But I have a pretty lax attitude to it OP probably similar to your husband. Wouldn't arse me at all.

knittingdad · 03/10/2018 16:00

The trust between you presumably took some time to be created in the first place.

If it has been damaged it's natural that it would take some time to repair.

JockTamsonsBairns · 03/10/2018 16:01

Totally agree with Bluntness. I think you may have been sending mixed messages about what you find acceptable - you've said you're fine with x,y and z, but putting another element into the pot makes it completely intolerable.
FWIW, I wouldn't have found any of it acceptable, but that's not what you asked. Just be clear about your own boundaries.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 16:04

No I'm not okay with the site -i was ok with him being on it before we were together. I didn't know he was still , hence upset. Don't care about porn but this is real and therefore different. Like fancying someone you know rather than a famous person.
But yeah I've drawn the lines now and I have to move on.
I guess it's less black and white than i viewed it though, given comments on here from people.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 03/10/2018 16:04

Why would he need to be on a site like that rather than just look at normal porn websites?

Why would he need to add people if he didn't even have a subconscious intention of one day escalating to chatting and then meeting some of these women?

What would he do if he met one of these local women while out after a few drinks?

This is entirely different to using porn websites imo.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 16:05

Thank you for everyone for replying btw, sometimes you need a reality check - hence me asking the question!

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Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 16:07

Eliza - yep that's my thought process. He said just images and wasn't that. It's the bit I'm struggling with.
I guess if he's deleted it apologised and understands my point then I ahve to get over it. It's very possible that he didn't see the harm - esp given comments on here from.others so it does appear to be more of a grey area than I thought!
I will attempt to draw a line under it and move on for our son and our family.

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overagain · 03/10/2018 16:10

I agree with you. These are women local to you he could bump in to down the pub. It's worse than porn, those women are actors, unobtainable. Like me having a thing for Tom Hardy. I'd struggle too.

BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart · 03/10/2018 16:14

I agree with Thatssomebadhatharry.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/10/2018 16:20

I think you're probably feeling all-round fragile at the moment., Your H has apologised and cancelled his membership to the site, so I would try just to get on with things for the time being.

But there is a possibility that the two of you are sexually incompatible and this may cause problems for you later. Right now it sounds like he wants to make you feel better and is committed to you, so the time for a serious talk about sex is some time in the future.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 16:27

Why sexually incompatible? I'm into same stuff as him just in a committed relationship. Obviously when I was pregnant or post birth it was t physically possible due to birth injuries. We're back to normal now.

OP posts:
HostaFireAndIce · 03/10/2018 16:29

I wouldn't be okay with it, but I wouldn't be okay with the porn either. I don't view it as a whole lot different. Obviously, you do, but I can see how he wouldn't have predicted this and if he really has deleted the site and not used it at all since you told him it upset you, I think he's done all he can. I know it's easier said than done, but I would let it go.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 03/10/2018 16:32

Yep agreed...I need to let it go. Just struggling but I do need to!

OP posts:
Beebopdooowopdo · 03/10/2018 16:40

But he doesn’t know the women? Doesn’t matter if they are local or not if he doesn’t know them does it?

I wouldn’t view this as cheating. Do you have a deeper fear that he preferred a local website because then he could meet up with them easily?

You have just had a baby so of course you are feeling vulnerable. I can definitely see how he misunderstood the situation though Flowers