To view this as cheating and be struggling to forgive

[Spanglyprincess1]

I'm struggling. Just had a baby 12 weeks ago. Partner was on a fetish site which is used for meetups plus networking (didn't bother me ). Found out when I was very pregnant and post birth he was on the site adding new people to use their images for self gratification. These are women local to our area but no chat etc. I viewed this as cheating almost and a breach of trust, he feels it was like porn. To me it really is very very different (my personal choice but I'd ahve no issue with porn as we couldn't have sex at the time due to my birth injuries). He has apologised after I explained my feelings and deleted the site.
Problem is ...I can't change how I feel and how betrayed I am. It's sounds insane but to me I was very vulnerable at that time and this was a complete breach of trust.
We have a young baby, I have no idea how to move on.
Am I being completely unreasonable?

When my baby was 6 weeks I found out my partner had been speaking to women on webcams, he would pay privately to watch them. After a lot of thinking I decided I wanted to try and forgive him for the sake of my children. I thought about it every day for about a year. A year and a half has passed and it’s still something I think about and get upset but just not very often, I finally feel like I have nearly forgiven him.

If you feel like one can you can forgive him and trust him again one day, then you should try it.

It does sound as though your DH really cares for you and he's deleted the site now you've told him you're not comfortable with it. So he has listened. It is time to move on from this imo.

What an insensitive thing to say "you may be incompatible"!!!
He has destroyed your trust. My husband did similar things during our marriage and has recently admitted he had a problem, has had lots of therapy for porn (which led to)sexual addiction but I do feel it has truly damaged our relationship. Porn is wasting energy elsewhere and can become so addictive nothing can keep them from it. Connecting with others online for self gratification is cheating. Saving pictures of other people is not beneficial to your relationship. Now maybe you had other important things to deal with, you had a baby, it doesnt mean he gets to looks elsewhere even if it is for self gratification. What about your gratification? Marriage is about struggling through the hard times and sticking together. I have monitoring software on my husbands phone now, I hate it but it seems to work and we talk about it on a regular basis. I have ptsd as a result of this problem. It is not a small problem, it is everywhere. I am not saying you should do the same but do not feel you need to justify yourself to anyone who says it is just porn and that you should be ok with it. You trust him which is wonderful but he may not (sorry) be telling the full truth. You are right to feel betrayed, you have been, even if he is telling the truth, it is not nice for you and it will take time. We went to counselling together when this came out and I felt so much better when the counsellor said I was brave to stay and he was in the wrong. My brothers said it was just porn. My friends saw my devastation and supported me through it. We have stayed together but I am still wary of him and find it hard to trust. He did not physically cheat but his therapist told me he was taking part in virtual infidelities. Phone sex and lap dances too. This is what I KNOW, I dont know the half of it. You can get online quiz he can complete to see if porn is a problem for him. I sent it to my husband and he completed it and said he was in trouble. It may help, or you may want to just keep it in mind if it crops up again. Hope you can forgive and he stays away from the biggest marriage killer of the century x

I get where you are coming from. Bit of a coincidence that they were all local if he is not planning on making contact, seems like he was building to it. No advice as I have no idea what I would do, but take my comment as a firm YANBU and I completely agree that your feelings are justified.

He was just adding them as friends then what? Nothing? That's weird

Belina - I think you get to see more photos of friends apparently. Tbh though no idea

Op, you need to be able to read between those responding who are projecting their personal issues and those responding who have none and are just reading you cold.

As said, reading your post it doesn't appear your boundaries were clear, many would have a problem with what he did, many wouldn't, myself included. You need to also bear in mind he's deleted and stopped based on your feelings, when you articulated them.

As said, some folks on here have big personal problems and you need to understand how much their personal problems and subsequent view is relevant to your situation.

Op, you need to be able to read between those responding who are projecting their personal issues and those responding who have none and are just reading you cold.
This ^^ massively. Just because one person has a DH with a porn issue doesn't mean that everyone who looks at porn is automatically going to ruin their marriage.

Personally, this would bother the hell out of me. He's choosing to view local women and when he friends them, he lets them know he's seen them and likes them. Assuming it's fetlife or the like, which is a sexual social networking site. It's taking contact to someone you fancy. Even if you have no plan to see them. On websites like that there's almost always some form of chat going on when you friend someone, as I said it's social networking. There'll be lists on the profile of exactly what you're into and sexual pictures of you in your bedroom or with your partner or whatever. It's personal. I'm fine with porn, but wouldn't be if my partner was having personal interactions with the porn stars in terms of letting them know he's seen them and likes them and requesting their friendship and sharing profiles.
A boundary overstepped there x 50 if it was me.

Thanks powercutie I feel a bit better now. I want to say sorry to spanglyprincess if I have caused alarm. This is first ever forum I have spoken in, and first I have spoken about my own experience to strangers. If it were me, 12 weeks post baby I would probably give the benefit of the doubt, for self preservation reasons. I simply wanted to voice that there is a real problem in the world right now with this online junk. We need to protect ourselves and our children from it. Please do keep it in mind for the future just in case. But do what you need to do for yourself right now. If I had a 12 week old baby I would not want to deal with it whether I needed to or not. And good luck with your baby. Think I will leave this chat its not healthy for me to hear that people view hook up sites as normal marriage behaviour. So go on with your comments I will not hear them 😍