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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Difficult aibu

52 replies

Stars1979 · 03/10/2018 13:34

Being vague so I’m not outed. Married with a baby to someone whose family live abroad. First time visiting with baby obviously family very excited. Staying in hotel 30 mins from family. Before baby I used to do a mix of seeing family and spending time on my own on beach, coffee shops etc while husband during these times caught up with friends and family on his own. We spent very little time alone and although I craved at least one meal on our own together in this country, I understood he rarely saw his family. This time around I’ve found it more tricky as we have our baby. Evening meals on my own with baby in the hotel, feeds etc. It would be nice to just spend a little time by the pool or beach together. Or even have one evening meal together but my husband is so cross at me saying he only sees his family rarely and he would spend all day and night there if it wasn’t for my and baby being here. I’m probably being unreasonable and wonder what to do next year...

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 03/10/2018 13:36

Husband takes baby to spend time with family, you get alone time.

Ohyesiam · 03/10/2018 13:37

I imagine it’s for a limited time? I’d just suck it up, he obviously craves time with his family, which seems totally reasonable to me.
Does he compromise on things for you, or is he a one way street?

inabox · 03/10/2018 13:39

Sounds a bit of a strange set up I wouldn't be on board with that at all. Visit family together, spend a bit of time alone together and then maybe a small amount of time him alone with family but not sure why that would be a big part of the trip? Is it a cultural thing?

MsHopey · 03/10/2018 13:40

Surely if he's with family most the time they would want to see the baby?
Not leave you and baby alone in a hotel far away.
You are the mother of their grandchild/neice/cousin.
And even if you and they weren't interested in that kind of relationship it's mad they don't want to see their new family member more.

EdinaMonsoon · 03/10/2018 13:41

If this is your only holiday as a family then I can understand your frustration and YANBU. However, I am also married to someone whose family live overseas and when we've visited I have always understood that it is primarily a family visit rather than a vacation for our little family. That said, my DH and I have always managed to find a balance between seeing family and doing our own thing. It sounds like you are having difficulty communicating with your DH. Does he really need to be "cross" about it?

SantaIsReal · 03/10/2018 13:41

It's a difficult one as on one hand (as you said) he rarely sees his family however if this is the only holiday you go on each year, I can understand why you'd want to have some alone time with hubby. What about breakfast together then that way he has the rest of the day with family/friends?

lunar1 · 03/10/2018 13:43

Why are you staying in the hotel and not going with him?

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 13:43

Surely his family want to see you all? Seeing him as a dh +df surely would bring them happiness also?

Littlechocola · 03/10/2018 13:45

Don’t they want to see the baby?

IABURQO · 03/10/2018 13:47

Another one not understanding why you aren't visiting the family. I suspect the reason behind that will answer other questions too. How much annual holiday time is spent with his family?

BigBumandMumTum · 03/10/2018 13:56

I do understand you want a holiday but I've had my dad for the weekend after not seeing him for 2 years and I just wanted to be with him all of the time knowing it might be another 2 years before I get to see him again

PuppyMonkey · 03/10/2018 14:03

Well, to answer the last point in your OP, next year let him and the child visit family while you stay at home and chill out.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2018 14:06

Why are you ostracised from his family? Why not get more involved?

Or if it's the alone time you're missing out on, send DC off with DH to meet the rest of the family.

glagdy · 03/10/2018 14:07

You've not given enough info really but as an ex pat that doesn't see their family very often every minute there I'm wanting to see them so you're being very unreasonable expecting him to chill out with you away from them.

Iloveacurry · 03/10/2018 14:13

Well you and the baby are spending a lot of time alone, why go? Let him go by himself and stay at home.

MemoryOfSleep · 03/10/2018 14:14

If his family aren't really interested in the baby, instead of you all going abroad, could he go on his own next time and stay with family? Then his visit would be cheap enough that you may be able to go on another holiday as a family at another point in the year? Presuming he has enough holiday days for both, of course.

Havaina · 03/10/2018 14:15

I wouldn't go back next year. Or ever.

Go on holiday with people who want to spend time with you, and ditch this dick.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2018 14:16

If his family aren't really interested in the baby, instead of you all going abroad, could he go on his own next time and stay with family?

That's a much better idea @MemoryOfSleep

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2018 14:16

I also don't really understand this set up, why have you gone if you don't wish to spend time with his family? Why aren't you visiting them? Why is he not taking rhe child to see them?

If you don't want to see his family, then I'd suggest staying home next year.

Dahlietta · 03/10/2018 14:21

I also think this is a weird setup. DH's family don't live abroad, but they live at the other end of the country. When we go and see them, we all go together and stay with them (I appreciate your inlaws may not have room). They want to see all of us and all of us want to see them. I think it's very strange that you don't seem to be a part of the family, and now not even your baby does!

LydiaLunch9 · 03/10/2018 14:29

Yeah this is super weird. So he goes to hang out with his family and friends, leaving you alone with the baby? What?? Why are you there then?

When me, OH and our kids go home to visit my family and friends (I'm from another country), we all do everything together! I usually have a couple of nights out with my friends, but that's it. All daytime events are all together.

Bekabeech · 03/10/2018 14:29

Sounds weird!
If you are not married then I'd be seriously considering if we should remain together. It doesn't sound as if he sees you and the baby as his family.
Our relatives all live some distance from us, but if we visit we go together. DH has seen them alone but only when he's "dropped in" because he was in the area with work/conference etc.
I certainly wouldn't be happy if we travelled to see them, but a lot of the time I was dumped on my own.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 03/10/2018 14:30

Is there a language barrier that makes it difficult for you to be included? Otherwise it seems really odd. Not the wanting to be with his family so much as not wanting you and your baby there.
Could you ask him to take you both with him? If you don't feel you can ask then that may point to bigger problems. His anger at you is odd (and completely out of order since you've travelled abroad for the sole purpose of waiting around for him, it seems), are you ever invited to dinner with his family?

Tilliebean · 03/10/2018 14:37

I’m from abroad with my DP being British. We go to my home country every other summer for several weeks. This is a full on holiday and almost every moment is full of time with family and friends. I would love to have a break with DP but the reality is that I so rarely get to see my family and friends. I just can’t justify it. It’s a few weeks every couple of years.
My DP sucks it up gracefully and if he needs a break (he’s introverted and needs alone time occasionally) he takes it. He is however always included and always has been.
I do find it odd that you are not always included, especially with DC. Is it when he is out with friends of an evening? With us even in those instances DP would likely be out with my family!

Chewbecca · 03/10/2018 14:44

i'd expect you, DH and the baby to be with family.

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