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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Difficult aibu

52 replies

Stars1979 · 03/10/2018 13:34

Being vague so I’m not outed. Married with a baby to someone whose family live abroad. First time visiting with baby obviously family very excited. Staying in hotel 30 mins from family. Before baby I used to do a mix of seeing family and spending time on my own on beach, coffee shops etc while husband during these times caught up with friends and family on his own. We spent very little time alone and although I craved at least one meal on our own together in this country, I understood he rarely saw his family. This time around I’ve found it more tricky as we have our baby. Evening meals on my own with baby in the hotel, feeds etc. It would be nice to just spend a little time by the pool or beach together. Or even have one evening meal together but my husband is so cross at me saying he only sees his family rarely and he would spend all day and night there if it wasn’t for my and baby being here. I’m probably being unreasonable and wonder what to do next year...

OP posts:
cantsleepwithnofan · 03/10/2018 14:45

So you're just a vessel to allow them to see your baby during the trip when your partner decides? And your time there and the trip for you doesn't matter.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/10/2018 14:46

What’s the point in being there for you if you aren’t included all the time?

I don’t understand why he can’t be with you when he sees them? You should be spending every evening meal together. I’d just go home I think. See your own family.

EK36 · 03/10/2018 14:53

If you're not welcomed into MIL&FIL home then maybe hubby should go by himself next year? Don't see the point in hanging around a hotel for a week with a baby. Would rather be included or at home.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 14:55

Don't go next year.
Why would you?
It seems completely pointless from here.

youngestisapsycho · 03/10/2018 14:58

So he leaves you and the baby in hotel and goes to visit his family on his own? Are you not allowed to go with him?

sprinklesandsauce · 03/10/2018 14:58

Is it a holiday or is it a trip to visit family? If both then he should be spending time with you. if a family visit, then you should all be together visiting the family.

Why are you eating alone and not going with him in the evening?

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 15:01

Can you book yourself on the next flight out of there?

roboticmom · 03/10/2018 15:02

It's the staying 30 mins away from family that is weird here. Is that your choice or his? We always stay with family- it's sad being away from family and we feel we need to cram a year's worth of time with them into 2 weeks.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/10/2018 15:07

I’m a bit confused too. Was the time alone because you wanted it?

I’m not sure if you’re excluded or excluding yourself. Either way I can see that if he doesn’t see his family and friends often he’d want to spend all his time with them and a date night can wait until you’re home.

EmilyRosiEl · 03/10/2018 15:22

Imagine how you would feel if you were your DH- would you quite like to see your family with your baby and wife there too?

How would it be if you only rarely saw your parents/siblings but because of your DP you had to be away from them?

FullOfJellyBeans · 03/10/2018 15:24

YANBU. I can understand if there are language difficulties but he should still try to welcome you into his family even if he has to do some translations. I can understand him having the odd evening on his own but not a considerate length of time.

Lweji · 03/10/2018 15:31

Lots of questions.

How long are you staying for?
Why 30 min away from family?
Why are you staying in a hotel at all?
Why do you not visit his family?
Why doesn't he travel alone to this country?

nocoolnamesleft · 03/10/2018 15:34

This sounds like a family visit, not a holiday. The main purpose, therefore, is to visit with family. Though I'm not clear why you aren't doing more of the family stuff as a family?

timeisnotaline · 03/10/2018 15:37

Too many questions. Totally bizarre if they don’t want to see baby, it’s more probable you don’t want to hang out with his family and baby stays with you?

RoomOfRequirement · 03/10/2018 15:40

I think you're being selfish. You have time as a family for the vast majority of the year. He gets a week or 2 with his family and you're complaining it's not all about you.

SassitudeandSparkle · 03/10/2018 15:40

Why are you and the baby not visiting his family at the same time he is? Why are you in the hotel?

Original poster
Stars1979 · 03/10/2018 15:40

Sorry didn’t give enough information. There are lots of family and even husband has trouble seeing everyone. Yes I have been included and have gone over for evening meals but not every night as baby gets tired staying up so late. We are included so I’m sorry if that came across wrong but I don’t go in the day, I think if we stayed with the family it would feel different but they live in a quite a poor village with no shower, toilet facilities a bit basic etc and feel more comfortable with baby in a hotel. I know that sounds awful. Also I think it stems from trying to take a holiday in the past as well as the hotel is by the coast. I think I am being unreasonable and perhaps things just feel a bit more limited due to the baby. Family definitely want to see baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stars1979 · 03/10/2018 15:43

This is our only break this year. I think husband is going to try and come on his own once a year now as well. Yes husband could take the baby and perhaps I could get to the beach. Yes there is a language barrier with the family but I’ve always felt welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stars1979 · 03/10/2018 15:44

I’ve in the past never had any complaint and he has just gone off and done his own thing and then I’d go over at various times. So I had a little holiday and got to see the family. I don’t know why I feel differently this time because of baby.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 03/10/2018 15:49

I suspect you feel different because your non family time is you looking after baby, not you doing your own thing. So instead of family time plus holiday time, you have family time plus childcare time. But this is his family, who he rarely sees. So worth considering more family time.

I guess a lot of it will be because of the difference of backgrounds. Primitive sanitary facilities are pretty offputting...and yes, I know some adventurous types are fine with that, but can understand why that would make you uncomfortable.

Original poster
Stars1979 · 03/10/2018 15:55

I think you are right although love being with my baby, it feels the same as home. Yes perhaps I should have mentioned to husband about doing more in the day together and I’m sure he’d be in and out the family home seeing friends but that way I’d feel more included.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 03/10/2018 15:56

So the family want to spend time with you all, and your DH wants to spend all his time with them but you want some time with DH and baby at the hotel/pool/beach?

It’s hard when it’s your only holiday but honestly if it’s only 2 weeks a year that he gets to see his family I think you have accept that he doesn’t want to be 30 miles away from them doing his own thing.

Obviously the ideal is that you also get a “proper” holiday as well. Is that not an option even if it’s somewhere closer to home etc?

SpottingTheZebras · 03/10/2018 15:57

I think the issue is that you are seeing this as a holiday and your DH is seeing it as time to see his family.

If, for example, you go once per year for a fortnight, it means he only sees his family for 14 days per year whereas presumably you see yours more often (or have the option to) but spread over the year so it doesn’t feel so intense.

Original poster
Stars1979 · 03/10/2018 16:00

Yes you are right. 14 days once a year at the moment. No other holidays planned. I think I need to change my mindset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stars1979 · 03/10/2018 16:03

Thank you all! Yes I think I incoporated a bit of me time before and now I feel a bit isolated with baby so need to forget the “holiday” and include more time with family. My husband probably didn’t want to suggest I go in the day all day and for fear of baby not napping and getting too tired being passed around his family. Also we kept the status quo the same as past years and I think things are just different with baby now and we should have gone over more.

OP posts: