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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step Kids & Mums

35 replies

GeorgesMummy1 · 03/10/2018 12:40

Just trying to get you lovely MN's feedback as not sure what to do?....
Basically after 10Yrs with my DP and our DC (9 yo boy) I have finally met his DD. Just for perspective, she has always known about me, has met my boy and we have kind of had 'seperate' times together, which so far has worked well.
What has now happened is we have got a new puppy, SD came at the weekend (more because she wanted to meet the puppy than me!) and although I think we were both very nervous, it went really well. My problem is now her mum wants to meet me! Not sure why and not sure if I want to really.... the other problem I have is that DSD has not (and no one else!) told her that she had already met me, had stayed the night in our house and also that she has her own room in our house?

What do you think that she wants to ask, and should I just say yes to meeting??

OP posts:
PeridotCricket · 03/10/2018 12:49

Why so much subterfuge? Where did the mother think her daughter was staying when she was at yours?

Sounds like about time to put it all on a more normal footing. Having a daughter lie to her mum about where she is just sounds plain weird.

Oswin · 03/10/2018 13:15

Why haven't you told the mother? How old is dsd? Why haven't you met her in so long.

adaline · 03/10/2018 13:18

Why on earth have you not met her before now??

Original poster
GeorgesMummy1 · 03/10/2018 13:19

This is what I thought too! I have asked 'why hasn't she already told her mum where she stayed'? Why is it such a big deal? What can she possibly have to ask me? She know I have met all the in-laws (ma, pa, brothers/partners and all the cousins) Has anyone been in this kind of situation (?) at all who can offer some advice from either perspective?

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 03/10/2018 13:19

Bloody hell, 10 years?!

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 13:21

That's some control - not letting the siblings meet, some may say abusive to the dc.

BlueBucket · 03/10/2018 13:21

Where did her mum think she was staying when she was with you?
Its going to be really hard for dsd to feel like she fits in with her dad, his 9 year old son and partner of 10 years who she has only just been able to meet. Did her mum prevent this from happening sooner?

Original poster
GeorgesMummy1 · 03/10/2018 13:27

Sorry, should have put more detail! (DSD is 12) her mum has always been a bit funny about us meeting hence she only bet DS about 7 months ago and has only just met me, bare in mind I assumed her mum was aware that she was staying!

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 03/10/2018 13:38

How often has her dad seen her over this period.

necromumda · 03/10/2018 13:42

So this 12-year-old only met her 9-year-old brother 7 months ago? Too weird for me. Do you live in the same town?

ourkidmolly · 03/10/2018 13:43

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Original poster
GeorgesMummy1 · 03/10/2018 13:45

Her dad (my DP) has her once in the week (Wednesday night) and alt every Friday night and/or Saturday night. Both of them stay it his mothers house and for the past 7 months my DC has stayed with them on alternative w/ends

OP posts:
Thatstheendofmytether · 03/10/2018 13:46

This is one of the strangest things I've ever heard. You've just met your 12 year old dsd for the first time after 10 years of being with her dad and having a son together 9 years ago!! Did she not have contact with her dad during those 10 years previously? I find that so sad that the children haveonly met at this age!

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/10/2018 13:49

Sorry op, this is all very weird. There must be a massive back story (have your dp and dsd been nc for years or something?) Either that or this is a wind up.

Bluebell878275 · 03/10/2018 13:53

What?! Why has her dad let this weirdness go on so long? 10 years??! Her mum may be difficult but there is a system in place to help you! Your poor DSD has missed out on a normal family life with her dad, you and brother for 10 years! What sort of example has this been to her for a stable life?! She's grown up thinking that a Father doesn't get involved in the day-to-day grind of things, it's just a Mother's job.

I usually don't think it's necessary for the Mum to meet the Step-Mum, however, in these circumstances as you have been kept a secret for so long I don't blame her for wanting to.

necromumda · 03/10/2018 13:53

What a mean thing to do to those 2 kids.

Hotpinkangel19 · 03/10/2018 13:55

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covetingthepreciousthings · 03/10/2018 13:58

I've read some bizarre things on here.. but seriously 10 years together and you've only just met his daughter Confused

chillpizza · 03/10/2018 14:00

That’s just dodgy and the children who should feel like siblings will really just feel like strangers lumped together rather than a natural from young age bond.

Darkstar4855 · 03/10/2018 14:05

Bit strange that your partner has kept you and his step daughter apart for so long. Does he not see her or does he only spend time with her away from home? Is there some reason why he doesn’t have overnight custody? Sounds like there is a lot more backstory going on here.

I certainly don’t think it’s unreasonable for your partner’s daughter’s mother to want to meet you if you are spending time with her daughter.

Darkstar4855 · 03/10/2018 14:05

*his daughter (sorry - not step daughter).

MauraIsles · 03/10/2018 14:10

Is this genuine? You’ve been with your DP for 10 years, you have a 9yo DS together, he has a daughter 12 who you’ve only just met??! This is very confusing and doesn’t sound right - where have you been when your SD has visited her Dad, have you stayed elsewhere?

MauraIsles · 03/10/2018 14:13

Sorry just read - when your DP has his DD stay, they go to his mothers house and leave you at home? This is all very weird, I’m not sure I would have put up with this arrangement for 10 years. I agree with PP there must be something you’ve not told us, some backstory, why else would you never have had contact with his DD before!

Tiredofit · 03/10/2018 14:16

When I saw your thread title I thought, having been a step mum for 26 years, that I'd have some advice but this is completely outwith my understanding. I think you do need to meet with the mum and see if you can sort things out going forward. It's terribly sad though as you can never get these years back unhelpful.

On a cheerier note. I met my step daughter when she was 12 and whilst the teenaged years were not all plain sailing (understatement) we have a very close relationship now so hopefully you can turn this around.

wink1970 · 03/10/2018 14:38

OP, has DH seen his DD at his mums because the ex-wife didn't want the DD staying at your house? I agree with others that it's mad that you haven't met until now. Either the ex-wife has been massively controlling, or your DH has something to hide, though I'm not sure what?

Anyway, to answer your question, you should meet her, and try to get a more 'normal' set-up going for the sake of both kids.