wanting more space and privacy as a new mum..

[KateX22]

Hello everyone..I've just joined mumsnet. I am currently 37 weeks+3 d (first pregnancy), and I am starting to question my ability to think reasonably-dunno if it's down to hormones :-)
My partner's sister has come to stay with us (since beginning of August) to look for work in the UK. I knew she had two interviews booked before coming however I also knew she had no previous work experience so I was apprehensive of the time it would take to find a job. As it turned out, she speaks very little English too-which I wasn't aware of, I was thinking "how bad could it be"..so this makes things more difficult in terms of adjusting in the country. She is still staying with us (we have a two bed flat), however, I am expecting my parents to come and help us with late pregnancy and baby, and of course share this moment with us. My partner and his family knew from early on that my parents would come before my DD and stay with us for at least a month-they are obviously staying in the spare bedroom, where my sister in law is currently sleeping. I have had numerous conversations with my partner about this, i.e. where she will go when my parents arrive-she doesn't have a job, little money and she is not even confident enough to go out there on her own. I got the sense that she took it for granted she would stay with us for however long it would take, so apart from looking for work in her field, she hasn't really looked for any job so that she can earn money and live on her own. My partner is in a difficult position as it's his sister and wants to help her, however, we can't afford to help her move into a shared flat, not with my income split in half due to MAT leave pay. The current plan is that she sleeps in the living room and we'll probably put her big suitcase there too. We have a relatively small living room, and I can picture my parents, my self and her and all the baby stuff plus her stuff in the living room and start to feel claustrophobic..I've told my partner that this whole scenario makes me anxious, as I feel I need to have that extra space in the living room if I need to chill or watch TV instead of feeling that the only place I can relax is our bedroom. I also don't know how I'm going to be when the baby comes-I would ideally like to breastfeed in the living room watching something on TV, but that would be impossible if someone sleeps or sits there all the time.
I've been having increased heart rate and suspect that my blood pressure goes up because of this. I am trying to stay calm however I find it very difficult. She is also not helping with house chores unless you specifically ask her to do something. So it feels I am at the end of my rope and really can't decide if I am being unreasonable, over-dramatic or hormonal about the whole thing...

I appreciate your comments!

Well she obviously needs to go back to wherever she was living before. She can't just pick and choose any job she likes and in the meantime take up space (rent free) that you simply don't have.

I would tell her she has got 2 weeks and then needs to be elsewhere

Do you really need your Parents around in the first Month? Newborn's are sleepy, it's a few weeks in when you start to feel knackered. Could they visit and plan to stay a bit later on?

It's crunch time for his Sister. Theses conversations need to be happening now. She needs to look for any work and think about whether it's really going to happen.

Are they from a Country that you'd want out of from, such as parts of Africa etc? Can their Parents help her with accommodation costs?

Why would you have your parents move in with you and your new born that sounds like madness especially in a flat. I think of she was meant to move out by now she'll have to look for other options (work with residential accommodation? Live in care work or house keeping) , but not so your mum and dad, who have their own home, can move in with you, your partner and a new baby. Lunacy!

There's loads of Christmas temp jobs being advertised, she should start applying for those whilst permanent job hunting.

There are a couple of volunteering & internships with the YHA that include free accommodation atm. Get her to apply for these as it'll give her experience to put down on her CV.

volunteer.yha.org.uk/vk/volunteers/my_opportunities_events.htm?eventname=WorkingHolidays

www.ten2two.org

This sounds so awful, we had SIL stay with us for a loooong period of time and it was horrendous and i still haven't forgiven DH, i cannot imagine the horror of having her as a guest with an imminent arrival!
She needs to leave and it isn't yours or your DHs problem where she goes, I'm assuming she's an adult? Where did she live before she came to you? With her parents? If so, she can bloody well go back and live with them. She has astounding lack of self awareness if she doesn't realise she has outstayed her welcome, who thinks it's appropriate to live with a couple with a newborn???

Also to echo pps, I do think it's nuts to have your parents come and stay with you

Realistically, even if she could find somewhere private rented and pay for it, it's unlikely to come together before baby arrives at this stage.

I think she needs to just get whatever job she can asap and they get a room in a shared house or a bedsit.

If you really want your folks to stay than that's your choice, but honestly it might be just too much.
4-5 adults with one baby and everyone trying to work out what their role is could be very overwhelming.

Are they close enough to come stay for a few days at a time?

What is OHs paternity leave like?

Oh and sil needs from words re housework etc. No way should she be getting away with it.
I would expect her to to be waiting in you guys a little and cooking etc as she is staying with you for free!

YAnbu at all.
When I had ds I didn’t want anyone around except dp.
My hormones kicked in, I wanted to nest and even the postman irritated me. Anyone actually in the house would have had their marching orders pretty quickly.

Op, you don’t know how you will feel. Hormones do odd things and your dp needs to be prepared for that.

And definitely get her to look for live in work.

I worked and lived in at a hotel when I was younger and they had lots of staff whose 1st language was not English and it worked well in increasing their language skills and building up experience/confidence/independence

She needs to leave. Also you do not need your parents to come and stay when you have a newborn. Bad idea. Esp if you're breastfeeding. I really cannot see the benefit. They will just be in the way.

You are having your parents living with you for a month, with a newborn!??
Good luck with that.
Honestly.... that is not the best idea.
You will want space. You will want to sleep.
You will want to stay in PJs all bloomin day long.
You do NOT need other people around you 24/7
Trust us on this!!!

And get your DPs sister to start looking at live in positions.
As a PP said, hotel work would be perfect!

Where was she living before?
Can you Not declare this a failed relocation and send her home? You could review this when baby is older but you need your space. She was staying short term whilst she got a job and found a place. This has not happened. Give her x week's notice that if she is not sorted then sadly, she will need to return home for now.
Alternatively, put mum and dad in a nearby b and b for the duration. A full two bed with a newbie does not sound fun.

Even if you weren't pregnant YANBU to set a limit on SIL staying. Of course being pregnant is the ideal reason to set a deadline which your DH can deliver! No one could say you're being unreasonable, she just cannot stay in your living room... 5 people plus a baby in a 2 bed flat?!?! No.

The first few weeks is pointless for having help. They sleep prob around 20 hours a day.

Why would you have your parents move in with you and your new born that sounds like madness especially in a flat.

^ this.

Oh god my parents came to stay for three days when my dd was born. They live far away so it was the only way they could see her. Apart from doing a lot of housework and cooking a lot of meals they didn't do anything for the baby because I didn't need them too. I was so happy when they left my husband and I needed that time alone together to bond with our baby!

It'sLike I am not sure all babies are familiar with the book rules you refer to.....
20 hours!!
Time the sil made herself scarce, the dps a shorter visit.
And your dh to grow a pair and make the first bit happen.
And you the second.
Time just the 3 of you is vital imo.

Why on earth are your parents, especially both of them coming to stay with you for a month because you are having a baby? That's absolute madness!

I think people judging parents moving are being really rude - you don't know what OPs relationship is with her parents. My mum would have been a lifesaver for her to move in when I had a newborn, as it was she was here most days helping me anyway.

As for sister in law she needs to seriously get her ass into gear and get any job she can to get some independence. I understand your dh wanting to help his sister but right now he's enabling her to do very little - definitely not improving her chances of a successful future. Good luck!

Op, this isn't your problem to solve.

Tell DH that you've been more than Reasonable but you both need to prioritize your imminent arrival now. Agree a deadline, not dependent on anything like her having somewhere to go e.g. as of 14th October, then let him deal with it.

If he doesn't support you, you have a bigger problem to deal with. Consider moving back to your parents while he wonders what led him to ending up in the flat alone with a neverending obligation to his sis. Yes, I'm serious. This will have a massive impact on your ability to recover and bond, there's no time to delay getting this resolved.

You're saying the sister needs to have some independence and get out and get a job, which is fair enough. What about OPs independence? She is being totally dependant on her parents to come and live with her for a whole month because she is having a baby? Doesn't really matter the relationship they have. Unless there is some medical reason that OP can't look after her child and needs help, it is totally ott. That is why a lot of people are commenting on it.

Christ - don't have your parents stay with you . - get them an air bnb if they have to come from a long distance.

Cousin needs to be out before the baby too

NO-ONE WILL BE HAPPY IF YOU ALL STAY

Sorry -sister

You needed to act sooner than this - too late now but 2-3 weeks notice would be fine for a flatshare if she can even afford that though?

Actually better if she is still here when baby is then your parents can't stay. They need to stay somewhere else. You'll need your living room for living in.

I loved having my parents there with my first, he was very unsettled and DH was working a lot, it meant that I could focus on the baby while my mum cooked and my dad did tons of odd jobs, dh and I could sleep in while they held the baby.

Personally I'd also call it a failed relocation, of her English isn't good enough to get a job then she needs to go back home and study.

I get the sense that OP's family are not from the UK- culturally it is quite normal in many places for the new mum's mother at least to come and stay. If that is the cultural expected norm and the OP is happy with that, that's really not the issue. The issue is having essentially another dependent move in! She needs to find somewhere else to live really. If only temporarily for the month, for starters.