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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not doing it right?

39 replies

duckmomma · 03/10/2018 04:32

NC for this,

DH I and I have a 9,5 week old DD1. I do 90% of the parenting as DH works full time, sometimes long hours and I am on mat leave, which is fine by me, I really love being a mum and I think our DD is ace Grin

Some days when DH is working from home the next day he will offer to take her at night time so I can get a bit of sleep. I went to bed at just gone 11pm last night and he stayed up watching something on TV so kept DD with him, asleep in Moses basket.

I woke up at 3am to DD's cries, both her and DH still downstairs -this is what he usually does when he takes her and comes to bed at about 3/4am. I don't see his logic behind this but I let him get on with it.

So I wait, as I try not to interfere and let him do his thing with her, I'm quite conscious of swooping in and trying to take over as I don't want him to feel useless and like he's doing a shit job.

The crying continues for about 10 minutes then stops. I'm wide awake by this point but all is quiet for about 30 mins then the crying starts again and continues again for about another 10 mins. By this point I feel like I have to intervene so I go downstairs.

DH is asleep on the sofa and DD is about 5feet away from him in Moses basket, wide awake, wailing. Obviously I picked her straight up and sorted her and sent him off to bed. He said he had fed and changed her at about 3am.

I suppose my Aibu is would I BU to tell him he shouldn't be leaving DD crying like that? I've had her on me for as long as it has taken me to write this and she's settled and is now asleep.

I'm conscious that we are both new to this and we don't really know what we are doing and I don't want to step on his toes but I feel as though he's just ignoring her at times and I feel like it's unnecessary and not fair on her.

Yesterday morning was a similar story, I had had her all night and morning and needed to get ready to take my car for mot so just needed DH to have her for about 30 mins while I got washed and dressed.
I gave her to him and he put her in her bouncer. Approximately 5 mins elapsed before she was crying. He left her in her chair screaming while he was pissing about washing up, hoovering, putting the washing on etc. Whilst I appreciate the housework is important, I feel like DD should always come first and house work second but no matter how much I've dropped gentle hints that he didn't ought to leave her like that, it seems to make no difference. Anyway, I had to go and pick her up then too as he just wasn't doing anything with her and she was getting more and more distraught.

Aibu? What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
duckmomma · 03/10/2018 05:45

Bumping in hope of advice... Blush

OP posts:
adoggymama · 03/10/2018 05:52

Hi, I'm up because I have a stuffy nose and crap cold- no sleep for me!Sad

Personally I couldn't leave my baby- or any baby really just laying and crying, they work themselves up so much and it's strange it doesn't bother him?? Maybe he was doing the hoovering to drown out her noise!

(Also how did he manage to sleep with a crying baby NEXT to him that night?) strangeConfused

daphine2004 · 03/10/2018 05:58

Morning, it’s difficult when you both have different ways of dealing with something. Why don’t you talk to him in the first instance? Let him know how you’re feeling and try and find a way forward.

Parenting is hard. Trying to maintain a sense of normality is also hard in the early days and some things slip. You’re also very lucky he is doing his share of the housework. I know it’s not a priority, but it’s nice that you don’t have to worry about it.

He may also be having a time out. It’s oksy for babies to cry if you need 10 mins to yourself - he may be finding it tough and doing the chores to have a break.

flumpybear · 03/10/2018 06:01

I think boys view this stage siffeeently to girls. Hormonally women after birth seem to be highly tuned and programmed to hear and deal with a crying baby. Men aren't and from my experience with my DH and from what you're saying, they just do things differently. She wasn't in danger but she was upset - I found literally everything went to pot with housework and cooking but husband did step up more with some of those responsibilities, sounds like your DH has too so maybe work to your skill sets!
We found em going to bed at 8pm ish and being ready for that early morning session(s) helped our family as my DH was good at staying up late and I wasn't but I was food in the mornings ... find what works for you guys and remember you're both different with different strengths

LadyFlangeWidget · 03/10/2018 06:03

Could you not leave her crying..it upsets me. Say this..

Try explaining. Some men have no idea.. mine didn't. Just stuck the dummy in.

Show him what you want him to do... See if he will take heed. Start young .. Or else you'll be afraid to leave her for longer stretches.
Alternatively... let him get on with it. Everyone has their own approach. But if it stresses you.... just tell him how it affects you . If he cares he will listen.

flumpybear · 03/10/2018 06:03

Good in the mornings ... I definitely wasn't food, actually I was bf so perhaps I was food lol

Rednaxela · 03/10/2018 06:05

It could be as simple as DH not knowing what to do to soothe baby. Does he actually know that he needs to pick her up and soothe her?! Does he know about bouncing, singing, rocking, walking around?! You may well need to guide him with simple concrete steps. (I had to)

Gnomesofthegalaxy · 03/10/2018 06:05

Not unreasonable at all to tell him. I had to tell my OH similar. He's very good and hands on but somethings he just didn't seem to quite 'get' in the beginning. He said it's the difference between male and female brains Grin Son is 13 weeks now and he's a lot better, although he still sleeps through crying. I guess that's probably because I get up quickly if needed and DS usually sleeps through anyway now

Rednaxela · 03/10/2018 06:07

PS a sling/carrier can be a great help. We had a stretchy wrap and although I did force DH to wear baby to start with, it worked very well in the end.

ferntwist · 03/10/2018 06:11

Definitely tell your DH he needs to prioritise baby crying over housework. He needs to realise his baby is vulnerable and helpless and crying means he needs to step in.
My husband often woke quicker than me when our baby was crying in the early weeks (sometimes I was so exhausted from feeding that I was sleeping very deeply), so men can do it perfectly well, it’s not a male-female divide.

lovetherisingsun · 03/10/2018 06:31

My husband did, and still can, sleep blissfully straight through any and all crying and screaming. A lot of my friend's who have had kids have said the same. It's like, how?? How on earth do they not wake up?

DonnaDarko · 03/10/2018 06:35

You said he was asleep though? Or was he just dozing? I once stayed up really late and was so exhausted, I was literally dead to the world. DS was screaming next to me and I slept right through it. Luckily, DP was in and heard him from the living room.

SharpLily · 03/10/2018 06:37

I think it's worth pointing out that he might as well not bother to give you a 'night off' if you still have to get up and deal with the baby because he's not doing his part Hmm. This is going to build up resentment in you so it's probably a good idea to sit down and have an amicable chat before that happens, and make it clear what is expected of him. His response will be very telling about his attitudes to you and to parenting.

topcat2014 · 03/10/2018 06:41

I have always woken to DD cries, whilst DW tended to stay asleep.

So don't let your DH follow the stereotype, or else you will be doing everything, OP.

Good luck.

Roystonv · 03/10/2018 06:41

I think not rushing in straight away is fine as they might re-settle but 10 minutes is a long time and a new baby can get very wound up over this period. So a chat about why he has made the decision to leave them to cry might be useful; he might feel he has 'control' over chores but does not feel so confident about baby care. BUT you are both at a very new stage in your lives when minor things escalate very quickly so be kind to yourselves, bless you all

topcat2014 · 03/10/2018 06:41

DD is 11 now, and always calls for me if required in the night :)

Bananamanfan · 03/10/2018 06:45

He definitely did the safest thing if he was tired. Falling asleep holding a baby on a sofa or armchair is one of the most dangerous things to do. I would not encourage anyone to hold a baby on a sofa at 3am.
The guidelines on co-sleeping are really misleading; accidents where a parent has fallen asleep on on a sofa with a baby is classed as 'co-sleeping' when I think it happens because people think co-sleeping is dangerous and get up with the baby. I think he did the right thing.

captainproton · 03/10/2018 06:48

I’ve read that mothers actually have a deeper reaction to their babies cries then men. If a bf mum hears their baby cry they will let milk down. So yes you probably experience your baby’s crying differently.

However I can’t ever say my DH has ever let such a little baby cry like that and we’ve had 3. At that age they are crying out of need and some people believe you ‘spoil’ the baby by running to their first cries. Is this what your dh thinks?

I admit dh did the controlled crying stage when we got to about 12-18 months because he had the better will power to ignore the crying and I went out and sat in the car. But that was to sleep train a much older baby.

My children are older and at school, if they cry I respond. Because to do so seems cruel (not for fake Whiney cries though).

I think you have a clash of parenting styles here.

Biancadelriosback · 03/10/2018 06:55

I don't think it's fair to say he isn't doing it "right", he's just doing it different to you. As the baby's equal parent, he does have a say.

You need to speak to him and agree how to move forward

Losingthewill1 · 03/10/2018 07:22

daphine2004 - Jesus what were you born in the 1950s. She’s not lucky he’s dojng anything as he is the other PARENT

Original poster
duckmomma · 03/10/2018 08:05

Good morning all, thank you for your replies.

As I said, I have tried to mention things via hint dropping before and I have brought up that babies don't self soothe at this age and she is crying because she needs something. I think a more frank straight to the point and asking questions conversation is required...

He is a bit of a neat freak and I wonder if he mentally prioritises the house being clean over her needs and he feels like he needs to get the jobs done first. Saying this though he has fed the dogs before her before and that makes me a bit Hmm - They are fully grown adult dogs who can quite easily wait for half an hour for their breakfast!

I really do think that women are better tuned into the crying. I wake up as soon as DD stirs and I've normally changed and got her feeding much quicker than DH does, hence why I gave him some time to get sorted but I feel like he's ignoring her at times and it doesn't sit well with me. I must admit I feel resentment towards him when he does it. I feel like shouting at him to just get on with it!

Conversations to be had me thinks.

OP posts:
Original poster
duckmomma · 03/10/2018 08:09

Equally, I realise that it's great that he is so willing to do the housework etc, he has always been good with chores and I never had ever to nag him to do anything.

However, I always do the chores when he's at work, once I've changed and fed DD and when she's back down asleep. I do feel like we have different attitudes towards the housework though, I couldn't give a shit if the pots are there for a few hours longer where as I think it upsets him Confused

OP posts:
Yerroblemom1923 · 03/10/2018 08:12

Like a pp said, maybe he's just hoping she'll settle herself. I remember how frustrating it is trying to get chores/housework done and if I picked up my dd every time she cried I'd never get anything done! In the end I recall getting a sling as it meant I could peel the potatoes and not leave her crying!

Lethaldrizzle · 03/10/2018 08:13

You're both tired and you're both muddling through the best you can. This bit will be over soon.

WhoLetTheCatsOut · 03/10/2018 08:14

I'd have to tell him the crying upsets me.

Also, if he's taking her so you can either get things done then leaving her to cry wakes you up or interrupts you so makes it almost pointless.

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