Husband not doing it right?

[duckmomma]

NC for this,

DH I and I have a 9,5 week old DD1. I do 90% of the parenting as DH works full time, sometimes long hours and I am on mat leave, which is fine by me, I really love being a mum and I think our DD is ace

Some days when DH is working from home the next day he will offer to take her at night time so I can get a bit of sleep. I went to bed at just gone 11pm last night and he stayed up watching something on TV so kept DD with him, asleep in Moses basket.

I woke up at 3am to DD's cries, both her and DH still downstairs -this is what he usually does when he takes her and comes to bed at about 3/4am. I don't see his logic behind this but I let him get on with it.

So I wait, as I try not to interfere and let him do his thing with her, I'm quite conscious of swooping in and trying to take over as I don't want him to feel useless and like he's doing a shit job.

The crying continues for about 10 minutes then stops. I'm wide awake by this point but all is quiet for about 30 mins then the crying starts again and continues again for about another 10 mins. By this point I feel like I have to intervene so I go downstairs.

DH is asleep on the sofa and DD is about 5feet away from him in Moses basket, wide awake, wailing. Obviously I picked her straight up and sorted her and sent him off to bed. He said he had fed and changed her at about 3am.

I suppose my Aibu is would I BU to tell him he shouldn't be leaving DD crying like that? I've had her on me for as long as it has taken me to write this and she's settled and is now asleep.

I'm conscious that we are both new to this and we don't really know what we are doing and I don't want to step on his toes but I feel as though he's just ignoring her at times and I feel like it's unnecessary and not fair on her.

Yesterday morning was a similar story, I had had her all night and morning and needed to get ready to take my car for mot so just needed DH to have her for about 30 mins while I got washed and dressed.
I gave her to him and he put her in her bouncer. Approximately 5 mins elapsed before she was crying. He left her in her chair screaming while he was pissing about washing up, hoovering, putting the washing on etc. Whilst I appreciate the housework is important, I feel like DD should always come first and house work second but no matter how much I've dropped gentle hints that he didn't ought to leave her like that, it seems to make no difference. Anyway, I had to go and pick her up then too as he just wasn't doing anything with her and she was getting more and more distraught.

Aibu? What would you do?

We have got a sling and a carrier. If she cries and she's clean and fed and she's just having a cry, I put her in the sling. Walking around and bum pats soon send her off to sleep. DH doesn't do this though, he will just sit with her sort of half across his knee. He doesn't tend to talk to her or try to soothe her, he just lets her cry and it makes me toes curl and I feel like I want to rip my own face off.

I get loads done when she's in the sling, so my housework starts about 10:30am, with her on my front. I get stuff done this way and she seems to be happy enough strapped to me, which I don't mind at all.

He's seen me put her in the sling loads of times when she's been distraught and how quickly it soothes her but he never does it or attempts to even try. Perhaps he doesn't know what to do and it just looks like he's ignoring her? I don't know.

My dp occasionally did this but I just used to say quite clearly can you pick the baby up please? Or can you comfort him at the moment as I have things to do?

Just be clear and ask him.

My dp found the beginning hard but now our son is nearly 12 months and he's a great dad. Things will settle.

People have different views on crying babies. When you have twins or more than one child and there is only one of you - crying babies do have to wait a bit and it doesn't do them any harm.

I can understand that completely @ittakes2 however if the thing stopping you getting to your crying baby is something you can leave until later, shouldn't you do just that and sort the baby out?

Don’t drop hint.
Tell hi. Straight and he is actually been a twat. A newborn baby that is crying is doing so because they need something. They ALWAYS take priority and his job is to get up his arse and find out WHAT it is they need.
Leaving a baby crying at that age on purpose is cruel.
I’m that he didn’t wake up when his dd started crying next to him. H did that too because he did see caring for his child/getting up as his responsibility/issue. A few chosen words changed that and miracle! He then always heard them.

Seriously, don’t let him think it’s an ok thing to do. Nor shouod key him believe that fathers don’t do parenting well (or that they can Get away with a half hearted try) and it shouod be all your responsibility whilst he is ‘helping’ a bit.
Looking after his child for 30 mins isn’t asking for much!

I think women are more alert to high pitched noises when asleep. It genuinely doesn't wake a lot of men when babies cry. If DH is sleeping downstairs, I take DD up with me at bedtime. In the mornings when he looks after her at the weekend, I just come downstairs if I hear her crying. I've just told him I can't sleep when she's crying and now he knows to intervene promptly. I find giving him Internet articles helps. Tell him you googled them and found them helpful when you were struggling.

itakes there is a massive difference between not answering a call straight away because you can’t do anything else and deliberately choosing not do so because ??? Tidying and cleaning is more important? Tbh I’m not sure WHAT this guy thought was more important that his newborn wellbeing, except that it was something that could have waited, unlike say, a twin or another child that really needs support etc...

Memory I disagree.
The reason why men don’t wake up is because they know that the mum will get up. They dint see looking after the baby as their responsibility. It’s not just not part of the things they are in the lookout for.

H tried that. After been told he was a twat, he always woke up.
Why was he suddenly able to hear dc when 3 days ago he could never hear him? Because it had become his responsibility too.

Women and mothers hers dint have a special hearing or special powers that allows the: to always hear a baby crying even when they are exhausted and cant stand up from the lack of sleep.

Tell him straight. Hinting he can ignore or pretend not to understand. If you tell him directly that he must prioritize the baby over dogs and housework, and he carries on ignoring you, then you have a problem on your hands - a selfish man who is making sure that you accept all childcare is your job.

no matter how much I've dropped gentle hints

There's the problem right there

Men seem to be able to screen out a baby's crying much better than women can, plus some of them think women make too much of a fuss and should let babies cry. It physically hurt me when my baby cried, but ex could sleep through it.

Thanks all, I'll speak to him later about it, he's in bed asleep currently.

I am a bit concerned that it will turn into an argument but I think he needs to know how I really feel about it because it is causing resentment.

I think, well I know he thinks that I'm a bit lazy because I don't prioritise the housework. He said as much when we had a bit of a heated argument when DD was about 4 or 5 weeks old. That made me feel like shite as I felt like I was doing pretty well juggling a newborn and house work and animals and successfully making it through the day! He did apologise after I sat in tears and told him I thought he was a nasty prick. We've not spoke about it since.

Frank discussion.

Next time it happens give it 5 minutes then pick her up and ask why he didn't

Two different scenarios really.

If he was genuinely asleep on the sofa and didn't wake when the baby cried, there's not really much blame there. He was meeting guidelines perfectly by not holding the baby on the sofa when he was tired.

The second example is difficult to say - different parenting styles?

YABU so say he isn't doing it right. He is doing it differently to you. I think you both need a frank discussion about how to deal with situations like this.

@JacquesHammer I'm not sure how asleep he was, he woke up as I picked DD up, he seemed as though he'd just been asleep as he was a bit dozy/tired.