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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married on our own

43 replies

pickledolive · 02/10/2018 20:40

To cut a long story short myself and my partner have been together for 15years and have 3 children . Recently we have talked about getting married but neither of us what to be centre of attention. My mil has also said however she would never speak to us again if we did it on our own although my dm wouldn't mind. We just want to have the same names as our children and financial security. Whatever we decide we are going to upset someone🙄. What are your experiences?tia

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 02/10/2018 20:41

We did it, families come around eventually. It's your wedding not your MIL

SuperSange · 02/10/2018 20:42

Our experience is that we eloped, grabbed two witnesses, called our parents afterwards. They were upset, but got over it in a month or two. It wasn't their wedding, it was ours. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MauraIsles · 02/10/2018 20:43

I think it’s very harsh and unfair of your Mil to threaten to never talk to you again, the wedding isn’t about what she wants, it’s your day OP, nobody should be demanding you do things a certain way, just to please them!

LexieLulu · 02/10/2018 20:43

My MIL wanted us to come back, out our wedding clothes on and have a photo shoot... like with her?

We just said no.

We said we might have a party when we get home, with full intention of not having one.

I got pregnant a couple of months after so it gave them something new to talk about

Livedandlearned2 · 02/10/2018 20:43

You don't even need to tell them until you've been married for a few months. Like pp have said, it's your marriage, not theirs.

Original poster
pickledolive · 02/10/2018 20:44

That's my arguement tbh but she really will be cross and I have fairly good relationship with her now . It just seems daft having a big do when we're not doing it for the wedding just the names and the security that comes with marriage or as of today a civil partnerships.

OP posts:
M00nUnit · 02/10/2018 20:45

My DH and I did this - we went abroad and got married on a beach and our witnesses were the wedding planner and the photographer. We just didn't want the stress of organising a big family wedding. It's really unfair of your MIL to say that to you, what a ridiculous attitude!

ZolaGreySheperd · 02/10/2018 20:47

We told everyone we were going on holiday and came back married. Much simpler and none of the fuss or being centre of attention (which we hate)! We did have a party in a village hall with drinks and dinner for our family and friends a few months later - again very chilled and everyone had a blast.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2018 20:55

Gather your family and go to the registry office to get married. Then all go together and have a lovely celebratory lunch. That's what my husband and I did many moons ago and it was one of the best decisions we've ever made. No planning, no stress, no wedding nonsense.

Original poster
pickledolive · 02/10/2018 20:55

Thanks your making feel better about it . I was perhaps thinking of a quiet meal after the event to try and keep certain family members happy . I think people forget it's not the day itself that important it's the marriage . I have thought about just changing my name to the same as my children via deed poll and she didn't have a problem with that with I thought was a bit Hmmand I don't think being married would change our relationship just would make us financially more secure and would help re next of kin etc. I think she thinks I'm being tight with money that's the reason she's cross as I have said in the past to her what's the point in having a big do and having family members there or don't speak to us in the street etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
pickledolive · 02/10/2018 20:56

Aquamarine did you surprise them or plan it all like that?

OP posts:
BlueGlasses · 02/10/2018 21:01

Not me, but one of my friends didn't tell her Mum that she had got married until 3 years after the event. She's very private and figured it was nobody else's business but theirs

ForalltheSaints · 02/10/2018 21:03

Your wedding, your choice. If you invite no-one seems fine to me.

ButchyRestingFace · 02/10/2018 21:03

My mil has also said however she would never speak to us again

Possible hole in one scenario? Wink

You gonna take the kids?

Original poster
pickledolive · 02/10/2018 21:05

Yes definitely to taking the kids . Thought we could be maybe do a city break somewhere in the uk get married and have a lovely few days all of us. Just have to drag some witnesses from somewhere .

OP posts:
Rainbowtrain · 02/10/2018 21:09

We did it on our own. We never even mentioned it until we said we are getting married on this day just us.
Can't care about what others think? It was our wedding. Best decision ever.

TheFaerieQueene · 02/10/2018 21:10

Dragging witnesses off the street isn’t a good idea. Send a MN call out for witnesses and you will be fine. I have been a MN witness at a wedding a few years ago. It as lovely.

Original poster
pickledolive · 02/10/2018 21:14

So many people seem to agree it's a good idea . I find it hard knowing i might upset people tho as I overthink everything.I think with my overthinking I wouldn't enjoy a big day and would be stressed the whole time Making sure everyone was happy etc.

OP posts:
MagentaRocks · 02/10/2018 21:14

We did it on our own, we went abroad and got married with the planner and a staff member as witnesses. Luckily our family didn’t mind. Neither of us wanted to be centre of attention and my parents were absolutely fine about it although I did speak to them on the day and there were tears all round. My mil was fine too as she knew that was what we were doing, she would have been upset if we did it and she found out afterwards.

Original poster
pickledolive · 02/10/2018 21:20

Yeah I would tell people before rather than a secret as I think it less hurtful that way

OP posts:
HPandBaconSandwiches · 02/10/2018 21:21

Do the parents not all get on?

Couldn’t you book a registry office wedding and tell them a week before that they’re welcome to come along, but it’s a 10 minute ceremony followed by everyone chipping in for pub lunch?

Original poster
pickledolive · 02/10/2018 21:22

Yeah we all get on it's just we each have lots of siblings so lots of nephews and nieces and we both have grandparents so if we start inviting some it could spiral

OP posts:
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 02/10/2018 21:24

We did it. Best thing we ever did. Would do it that way again in a heartbeat. Although, my mil and dad were witnesses.

RandomMess · 02/10/2018 21:26

Either do it just you and DC or you could invite parents only as a compromise...

HPandBaconSandwiches · 02/10/2018 21:28

It’s different inviting parents though. Doesn’t mean you have to invite siblings and grandparents.

I got married abroad, just me and DH. Parental feuds. My dad is still upset he wasn’t there, though understands and never said a word other than congratulations- it was just plain all over his face.

I don’t regret our choice because of our family situation, but in your situation I’d invite parents only.

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