To get married on our own

[pickledolive]

To cut a long story short myself and my partner have been together for 15years and have 3 children . Recently we have talked about getting married but neither of us what to be centre of attention. My mil has also said however she would never speak to us again if we did it on our own although my dm wouldn't mind. We just want to have the same names as our children and financial security. Whatever we decide we are going to upset someone🙄. What are your experiences?tia

I got married last month.

We just invited our parents, went to the registry office and then out for afternoon tea! It was simple but Romantic and a really lovely day.

Point out to her that silence means she doesn't see her grand children either. She'll get over it quickly. Being a bit childish.

We did - just 2 friends each and fish and chips after. Perfect. Saved £££'s which was a bonus, but that wasn't why we did it - we just wanted it to be us.

I'd definitely do it. Have told one of my dc to bite the bullet and get married but tell everyone afterwards as his partner has a very complicated family structure. He's been told I'll finance it too (although I do not want to know about it, till afterwards)

I did this last month. We were away anyway in a destination known for cheap and easy weddings so we went for it. Both of our mums are still upset with us but we’re being quite hard hearted about it all because we didn’t want the day that they wanted for us. Our wedding was relaxed and easy and I wouldn’t change a thing.

We planned going to the registry 2 days in advance. It was so simple and we had a lovely day.

Good point Santaclarita if she's makes anymore threats I'll use that! Why do families have to get so tricky. I think if it was other way round and it was my dc I would probably be sad if I wasn't there but ultimately it would be their decision.

We didbitbin April. Boobeneeds to be at someone else’s wedding. We booked via a company that specialises in elopements. They provide accommodation, photographer and piper (who are the witnesses) all I had to do was bookthr celebrant and choose my wedding dress etc. No stress!

Look at it this way: in order of importance of whose feelings to take into account you've got:

You and your OH - happy with your plans (ie just you & the children)
Your DCs - ditto
Your mother - ditto equal with
Your MIL - not happy

What you are planning is not unreasonable - you're not saying that you'll take your mother and not your MIL.

Just do what you want to do. We planned a very small wedding - just parents and siblings but in the end did something even smaller ie just the two of us. We later found out that MIL had been planning to bring her many siblings/nieces & nephews to surprise us........

In my mind, it depends a bit.
If you are going to the registry office to complete a legal document, and only doing it for the legal / financial benefits and not really "having a wedding", then I think that is quite a different scenario from "having a wedding" and not inviting them / her.

I would be incredibly upset if any of my dc didn't invite me to their weddings. If - as you say you have been together 15 years and have the dc already, and are just formalising some documents, and you don't consider it to be 'an event' , that is different. If you consider it to be an important day in your lives, then I think it is pretty sad not to invite all parents (as in your case, they aren't abusive parents etc).

I know MN tends to be very much "your day, your choice", but I suspect most people would like to think they mattered enough in their dcs' lives that they made the cut for even a small wedding party.

I see what you mean backforgood I think we need to talk more and it is an important event in our lives . Maybe a private ceremony with kids and a family meal after a short holiday could be a compromise

Some would say MIL not speak to you would be a god send 😉

My friend's DF got married (widowed) again without telling his 3 adult children. He just rang them afterwards. They were pretty upset about it tbh - not that he'd got married but that they were deliberately excluded.
He thought it would be simpler and that they wouldn't be bothered. They felt cheated out of sharing a happy day with him and new stepmother.
Not quite the same situation OP but I'd tread carefully. You can do whatever you want, of course, but be prepared for some people to be upset.

We did it, local register office with 2 friends from work as witnesses and then to the pub for lunch. Parents were a bit shocked and probably a bit disappointed but we didn’t get married for them

Perhaps you could invite only both sets of parents out for lunch and spring the wedding on them then carry on to a very nearby restaurant. I would be delighted if my DC did that but a little hurt if i didn't get to attend anything at all.

Would you want to go to your childs wedding op?

We just invited our parents, went to the registry office and then out for afternoon tea! It was simple but Romantic and a really lovely day.

And then take the kids off on that break. Let your MIL take photos and appoint her to be Bearer of Glad Tidings after the event, sending the news to all the people she thinks would have been at a big wedding.
But have the wedding you want.

We did his six years ago. We got a last-minute cancellation at a registry office, called up two friends as witnesses the day before, had a ten-minute ceremony in jeans, took witnesses for very good lunch, and went home. Didn’t tell anyone for months, but no one had a problem with it.

If they had, I would have pointed out that it wasn’t a choice between this and some big white dress church extravaganza — this was the only way we’d have ever got married.