To tell exH to F off with his request?

[ScoobyCan]

STBXH is being an utter twatbag. Hideous divorce, massive betrayal, deceit a decade long, financial and emotional abuse - you get the picture.

He sees young (primary school age) DC EOW. We now have an annual plan in place. Days and times are always the same (thanks lovely MNetters) to avoid any of his fuckwittery.

Shitbag rarely (if ever) corresponds with me, the frustration of which has been hugely helped by my construction of annual plan, however he has just messaged to say "am busy with work this Friday so can you drop DC @7.30pm not 3.30."

Obvs I too have work commitments which I manage, and always have done when it comes to my DC. His lack of ability to participate in any logistical / practical / emotional / medical / hands-on parenting was a major factor in divorce. DC are shattered on a Friday so this will mean a late night. This doesn't suit them.

AIBU to say "no"? And suggest he arranges for someone else - his DM for example - to avail herself to maintain normalcy / routine? Or not even suggest anything - just make him work it out himself like I have for the past 8.5yrs??

I know it's a tricky one as it's the DC. And they shouldn't be made to suffer for his incompetence.

"Sorry, no can do. I have already made arrangements based on the USUAL agreed drop off time of 3.30. They'll be fine with whatever child care you arrange to bridge the gap until you get home"

If he moves times etc on a regular basis then fair enough, time to crack down on it. But if it's once in a blue moon for a genuine reason such as work would it hurt to be a bit flexible? You might need that flexibility back one day when something crops up for you? It's not like it's a school night either. The DC's will be ok

If he's not asking all the time then I'd do it but stipulate that it's a one off.

Give an inch and he'll take a mile.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys has it right

He hasn’t even managed to say please. If you know he wouldn’t oblige if you asked similar just send breakfast at squiffanys. If he has been complying for many months now with the set schedule and might take a rearrangement coming from you id agree as a one off. Provided I wasn’t inconvenienced myself .

From what you've described, I doubt he'd be willing to reciprocate.

Say no.

I think it's normally beneficial to the children to be flexible but this needs to go both ways and both parents need to take responsibility. If it's a hassle for you and would not get any flexibility in return you are well within your rights to say no. However it could bite you in the bum if you ever need his help in a similar situation.

I would be tempted to drop them off after feeding them Haribo and Red Bull.

Tell him no. He needs to sort alternative arrangements.

Judging by your first paragraph I can't imagine him being flexible with you should you need to change your arrangements. I'd send the PP message.

Already made plans so can’t accommodate, let me know who will be collecting the children at 3.30 so I can let them know/inform the school.

"Bahahahaha..... You're so funny!!! No!" Might be more appropriate.

I think it pays to be flexible but depends on whether or not you have plans. If you don't, is it worth it? Depending on where the drop off is, if he's busy with work he's unlikely to actually be there at 15:30

Can't see much basis for believing it would be a one off rather than a slippery slope of boundary pushing.

First suggested response seems fine to me, with or without the sorry.

I would send the first response. No sorry though.

what Breakfast said, taking out the sorry.

Can't see much basis for believing it would be a one off rather than a slippery slope of boundary pushing.

Agree with Anouk - boundary pushing. Send the suggested response of first .

Only make exceptions for hospital A and E visits eg if your ex slips with a knife and stabs himself, or serious home problems (flood, earthquake, cockroach infestation . . . )

One word answer: no.

I wonder what this urgent work commitment could be at 5pm on a Friday

Saying yes is a slippery slope if you NEVER expect to ask him in return (which it sounds like you don't).

Say what BreakfastAtSquiffanys has suggested. And don't back down.

I'd be delightfully sickly sweetly sorry , but I'd say no.

Unless he’s a brain surgeon or something his job won’t be at risk if he can’t work late because he needs to collect his children. It’s what parents have to do.

Don't reply at all. Drop them at usual time.

Generally it’s nice to accommodate requests.

BUT given the history of him being a total dick, don’t do it.

But given the history I would have a back up plan for if he’s such a dick that he doesn’t make arrangements for someone else to have DC from 3.30-7.30. Of course you shouldn’t have to! But you’re hardly going to abandon them outside a locked house and unfortunately he knows that.