To tell exH to F off with his request?

[ScoobyCan]

STBXH is being an utter twatbag. Hideous divorce, massive betrayal, deceit a decade long, financial and emotional abuse - you get the picture.

He sees young (primary school age) DC EOW. We now have an annual plan in place. Days and times are always the same (thanks lovely MNetters) to avoid any of his fuckwittery.

Shitbag rarely (if ever) corresponds with me, the frustration of which has been hugely helped by my construction of annual plan, however he has just messaged to say "am busy with work this Friday so can you drop DC @7.30pm not 3.30."

Obvs I too have work commitments which I manage, and always have done when it comes to my DC. His lack of ability to participate in any logistical / practical / emotional / medical / hands-on parenting was a major factor in divorce. DC are shattered on a Friday so this will mean a late night. This doesn't suit them.

AIBU to say "no"? And suggest he arranges for someone else - his DM for example - to avail herself to maintain normalcy / routine? Or not even suggest anything - just make him work it out himself like I have for the past 8.5yrs??

I know it's a tricky one as it's the DC. And they shouldn't be made to suffer for his incompetence.

Say what BreakfastAtSquiffanys has suggested but without the “sorry”. Boundaries boundaries boundaries.

If it was my ex and I said no, he'd just say well I'm not picking up so you'll have to deal with them regardless.

I don't know if your ex is like this though.

If you were dealing with a reasonable human being it would be fine to be flexible with each each other. Sadly this is not a reasonable human being.

I assume you arrange childcare on your time and he should do the same on his. As others have said, he has played the game for a short while but will push the boundaries if he can get away with it. He probably hopes he is faking up your evening plans.

Fucking not faking.

Nonononono! Reply as Breakfast has suggested.

What Breakfast said. Stick to your guns.

Tell him no, and that if really can't rearrange his work schedule, he'll have to arrange for childcare during his time just like you have to do when you're working.

Selfish fucker.

No. Its on his time so I'm afraid it's his problem. You can't do it, you have to be XXXX by 4pm.

Say yes now and it sets a precedence for the future. Say no and he won’t ask again.

I often worry about posting in AIBU just in case I'm being a dick. And then I realise that these sorts of responses make me so much more empowered.

He honestly has been and is being a total arsehole for so long. I just feel like it's a pisstake and agree with the "give an inch he will take a mile". I understand the bite me on the bum angle, however as I always have done, I would make my own provision IF plans had to change because of other commitments because that's what I am capable of.

I was fed up of carrying him through our marriage, it's just another element of control. I just don't want the kids to suffer. Thank you all. Your responses have been wonderful. I shall use the basis of @BreakfastAtSquiffanys to reply.....

Let us know how you get on.

I have this with mine all the time. But if say no he doesn't have her for the whole weekend so i normally agree

Why not send him the link to book an afternoon club (if possible)?