To think “Family Court” is a joke?

[Bananallama18]

Absolutely appalled at the treatment my husband is experiencing. In 2 years of proceedings, not once has his (extremely bright and articulate) DD been asked her opinion on what she wants. Her mother has prevented her from seeing her dad (or extended family) for 2 years. Ever since we told his ex we were planning to marry. I was never the other woman. Met him over 2 years after they split. It was a casual relationship and he got her pregnant. Accepted the consequences and tried to build a relationship. It didn’t work, they split when the baby was 8m old. He stayed in the area for a further 18m in order to maintain a relationship with his child. When I met him, he was travelling 400+ miles every 4 weeks to collect his child and have her for between 4-14 days (before she went to school) he met me and we slowly built our relationship and gradually introducing me to his dd and him to my (older) dc, all with his exes knowledge. Definitely the turning point was her realisation our relationship was more serious.

Fast forward to now. We have a 9m son of our own and been fighting in court for access to husbands dd. I honestly cannot fathom how it has taken so long and at no point has his ex had to present a single shred of evidence to support her reasons for preventing access. I am at a loss as to why nobody seems to be listening to anyone but the mother. We’ve had 6 different sheriffs preside over the hearings so no one is ever familiar with the case. We’ve been given yet another continuation of one Saturday in every month contact for 6 hours. (We won this last time, with zero contact in between) for another 5 months. I just cannot see that this sudden drop in contact with her father, is possibly in the best interest of the child. We are now £4K in debt and self representing as we have run out of money (ex gets legal aid so can drag it on for as long as she wants)

Please someone tell me how to get somebody to listen?! We have repeatedly asked for CAFCASS intervention but they do not operate in Scotland. SS were due to interview the child but a “mistake” by her solicitor meant that when they arrived, the mother had taken her on holiday and no follow up has been ordered.

The frustration is killing me. It’s been 2 years already and by the time we go back 2 and a half. The stress is unbearable. His DD is distraught at not seeing her daddy. My heart is breaking for them both. Please someone help us. I’ve no idea where to turn.

Don't know anything about the court system but wow! Can't believe her wedding demands. And shame on her solicitor for not telling her she was being ridiculous

You say yourself weekends won’t work. No parent is going to give up every half term so your stuck with maybe a week when it’s a two week half term and a couple of weeks in the summer holidays. Based on English holidays that’s one week Christmas, one week Easter and a couple of weeks in July/August That’s not really very committed from him. He should be renting a hotel once or twice a month even to just for day time visits to her. If that’s all he can offer basically three visits a year He shouldn’t be living where he is as it just shows his lack of commitment to his child.

She belongs to me

No she doesn't. She doesn't belong to anyone.

She's a human being not a bloody plaything.

Seriously though, do you honestly expect the poor child to travel 200 miles every weekend?

Plants did you not read that the OP wasn't expecting weekends but more school holidays?

No parent will give up half the holidays? Err, I do. My daughter sees her dad EOW, every Tuesday and every Thursday she doesn’t spend the weekend. We half every holiday entirely. So that’s December/Jan for Xmas, March/April for Easter, May half term, summer holidays, and October half term. He is happy to continue with day visits to her area monthly in order to spend time with his child. I’m failing to understand where you’re questioning his commitment? He moved to an area he utterly hated in order to support a woman he barely knew but was carrying his child. He tried to forge a relationship with a woman that later told him she deliberately tried to get pregnant as “she knew he was the one but knew he wouldn’t commit otherwise” (and no, this Information was not told to me by my husband) more fool him for not being more careful with contraception but I think he’s been absolutely committed to his child. My husband has certainly not been a saint but he has done his best for his daughter.

I said every half term not halfing each one. Even then though that only adds two extra visits so 5 times a year. I’m going to take a wild guess that she’s just gone in to year 2 now as two years ago would of been the start of school. She’s really not going to want to be so far away every time she gets a school holiday. You live close to your children’s dad which is why your arrangement works, your child can still see their friends/other family/go to school as Normal. Your husband lives nowhere near his child which is why he gets to barely see her. You said you can’t move closer as that would change things for your child can’t you work out that’s exactly what his done to his own made it harder to have a frequent relationship with her.

It doesn’t matter that he moved somewhere to try and make a one nighter or whatever work what matters is he picked to live so far away from his child when that didn’t work. He can’t have it both ways.

No, he chose to go back to his hometown for the emotional and practical support of his family. After trying to make a dire situation work for an extended period of time. In order for his daughter not to be without him he visited frequently and had her for 4-14 days every month. There is no way on earth you’d be saying the same thing had a female gone back to her family for support.

You say he doesn’t get to see her because he moved away. Have you read my posts? If so you’d see that he did in fact get to see her. For 4 years. He expected the arrangement to adjust to school holidays rather than every month, a reasonable expectation given how long it had been in place. She then decided to stop contact altogether. The child now goes to babysitters throughout the holidays as the mother is unreasonable. Contact stopped 4 years after he moved.

It sounds very difficult for him. It was the other way round with us. I would have been happy he had them 7 of the 8 weeks of his school summerh oliday (I would take them away one week of that and pay for full time childcare the other 7 which costs an arm and a leg) and he would not have them even one night of his whole 8 week summer holiday from school. You can't force people to see their children but that's the opposite problem. You can't even get a court order forcing them to take on 50% or more of the holiday care.

If she's 8 does she have an email address or mobile yet? If so he can probably get in touch with her anyway these days. Also he can probably put in his diary now when her summer sports day is and the christmas play this Christmas and parents evening this term and fix with the school to go to those things - I don't think in law they can stop him.

chill he doesn't seem to be having it anyway let alone both. Are you the ex partner?

I've been through the court process, in England, so may be different.

My dd is coming up to 7 - they've spoken to her every single year and yet they still make her go to her dads EOW and 1 night in the week plus split all holidays - except Christmas.

Even if someone does speak to the child - it might not help as they say they're "too young" to make their own decisions and could have been manipulated by the parent they live with not saying this will happen but it could - as it happened to me and my dd

No not the ex I’m with my children’s father.

I just don’t see why a child should have to go so far away from everything they know every school holiday just because a parent decided to move away. The parent should be the one sacrificing to see the child. If the mother had moved away I would be saying it was her job to make sure contact worked as she would of taken the child away. Do you think at 14 she would be happy to spend half her summer holidays hours away from her friends? I highly doubt it. When it’s her best friends birthday but it’s visitation hours away? If she has clubs but it’s visitation and she has to miss it again.

Non residential parents always seem to think the child should just fit in with their new life’s and work around them rather than working around the child. Would any adult want to be forced to be hours away from home for weeks at a time just because someone else says they must? I doubt that again.

Your own dd arrangements are different though as she’s doesnt live so far away from her df. It was impractical for him to move so far away he was never going to be a hands on dad especially when she started school from the mothers POV he’s up and left for you and you’re dc and abandoned his dd. I’m guessing this is what the court is viewing aswell he made a choice to move away and put his own needs above his relationship with a df. He’s now gd a family with someone else and realistically he’s put them above his dd. Seen it all the time the df going mad about not seeing his child but not prepared to put things in place in order to see his child and paint the woman as the devil the way you talk about her is pretty vile.

It's an unfortunate situation and the mother sounds unreasonable however I think I would have stayed living near my child what ever I thought of the area

What would be your ideal outcome OP?

Wow he did more than any other? Yes Casual enough to get her pregnant then leave moving 400 miles away!

This is up to your DP to sort out, not you.
You get legal Aid if Domestic Violence has been involved, so clearly he failed to tell you that part in it.

I think the money you are spending in court would be better spent relocating closer to your dh dd.The distance is a big problem and I think being closer would really help his case.It sounds like the longer you go down this path the more animosity there will be with the ex.

Clearly some are not reading the posts. He moved out when child was 8m as the relationship was not working. He remained in the area for over a year after. It was untenable. He moved home for support. The ex was prosecuted for harassment and threatening behaviour in this time for turning up at work accusing a woman of having an affair with him and threatening to stab her and her children. Again if my husband had been the female in this situation it would have been perfectly reasonable in this situation for her to go home to her family. I met him a year after he moved home. So no, he absolutely did not leave her for me. For the first two years of our relationship their arrangement worked fine. It changed when we decided to get married and had worsened since. My husband has been an excellent father. If he had been in the army or an oil rig worker he would have been living away from her the majority of time and it would have been acceptable. He moved for his own sanity. Me and my children exist whether his ex wants us to or not. There is absolutely nothing I could say or do, for some of you, the only solution is that he leaves his family to placate a bitter woman who uses his child as a weapon. The way I talk about his ex is vile? Describing her accurately and truthfully makes me sound vile?! Brilliant.

He moved away for support? Dear me he sounds like a wet drip! What about the support of his child and a woman would have been judge if she moved so far away from her child.

Ultimately his daughters sanity comes first

There’s a reason the family courts are not siding with you op. I bet my money there’s other information which has been left out. My ex didn’t see ds for months when he was a baby contact was resumed via contact centre and built upon and now he sees ds regularly twice a week holidays etc however he needed to prove to the courts he was committed father and followed everything that was put in place.

Ignore the goady posts OP. Some of these posters just come onto threads to be as mean as possible.

HumphreyCobblers It’s not being mean to factual especially someone who has experience in family courts and know they promote relationships with both parents. The fact different people haven’t awarded much to ops dh suggests they are wanting him to build up contact and show he is committed before increasing obviously taking into consideration the distance he lives. Ops dh needs to take responsibility for the choice he made when he moved away was going to have an impact on his relationship with his dd and calling the ex as much as she likes doesn’t take away she is particularly parenting this child on her own with minimal input from the df.

I’m intrigued that she seems to want zero access

And yet facilitated daily Skype communication?

There’s a reason the family courts are not siding with you op. I bet my money there’s other information which has been left out.

I’m afraid I agree