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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed of by this comment?

74 replies

Shortbreadtea · 02/10/2018 09:09

I found out that me and ex’s new girlfriend of 6 months have a mutual friend. My friend didn’t know she was dating him, until she told her who he was. Anyway the new girlfriend has said to my friend “ Shortbreadtea must be really stupid for letting him go”, or “ I can’t understand how she can just give up so easily on her marriage” this really pissed me off, because she doesn’t know how it was like living with him.

I was with him for 8 years, he came from a home where the mother did everything for him. He didn’t lift a finger when we were living together, never helped me with the children even when I was ill, he would just let me struggle. He would put me down, call me every name under the sun in arguments in front of the DCs, he was controlling and everything had to be on his terms, he had to choose everything. He would never let anyone else chose something for once, he couldn’t hold down a job and spent his days lying in bed playing PS4 all night, and sleep all day. And then there’s his mum, he would let her disrespect me and never stood up for me. He was always angry and aggressive, felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own home.

I would beg him to change, and would argue til I was blue in the face, he did change for a week or two then went back to his old ways. I was tired of it, and lost all respect and love for him, couldn’t go on anymore.

I feel like she’s only seeing his flashy car, fancy nights out, restaurants etc. And him playing happy families with the DCs when they’re with him. She obviously thinks she’s the cat who got the cream and he feels the same.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 02/10/2018 11:14

The gf is in a loved up wee bubble. She can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to be with her amazing new bf.

Give it some time for reality to kick in.

If he treats her the same way she will look back and cringe.

Until then just smile knowingly.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 02/10/2018 11:19

You've done the right thing getting rid of him OP, I know it's frustrating what's been said but it doesn't matter what she or anyone thinks - you (and we all) know better. It's unlikely he has changed but even if he has, it is what he was like with you ray matters

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/10/2018 11:22

I don’t understand why people are saying your friend is a shit stirrer, I really don’t. If my friend didn't tell me I’d be very pissed off. But then any of my friends would have put the other friend right in the picture about why I was not stupid and given her the opportunity of learning from my hindsight, or at least having her eyes somewhat opened to him.

I think this ‘she shouldn’t have said anything, she’s a shit stirrer’ attitude doesn’t help us, to help each other & be good friends. If I was dating some bloke who’d treat you like that, I’d bloody well want the ‘heads up’ from a mutual friend. I may or may not dump him, but I’d sure as hell at least have my eyes a little more open.

BMOT · 02/10/2018 11:27

Your so called friend is def the one in the wrong! Of course she's going to think that you were mad to let him go she's in a new relationship and is probably head over heels. I remember thinking the same when I got with my husband. ( and in the past also feeling sorry for girls that have started relationships with my exs)
Your friend should not have shared this information with you, what good did she expect to come of it !

Yourenotericlove · 02/10/2018 11:28

The friend is a shit stirrer because she's reporting back comments that OP doesn't need or want to hear. The only point of it is to shit stir, it doesn't benefit the OP or the exs gf in any way at all.

Shortbreadtea · 02/10/2018 11:32

I'm not upset why my friend told me this, because she knows how much I've put with and how he's really like.

And she did tell the new girlfriend how lazy he was when he was with me.

But sometimes you need to have your fingers burnt in order to realise how bad the situation is. She's not gonna know just by someone telling her, she needs to experience it herself. So I'd let her crack on!

OP posts:
Binception · 02/10/2018 11:32

YANBU by being pissed off about it BUT, she'll be the one more pissed off once she realises what he's like . Presumably you were her once, to want to marry him. He'll be currently on his best behaviour.

What do they say, best revenge when someone takes your partner is to let them keep him.. I know it's not truly relevant in this situation but it still rings true!

Notacluewhatthisis · 02/10/2018 11:33

You need to laugh this off.

She is at the fun start of a relationship. So what if she hasn't learnt enough to realise that his side won't be the complete truth.

So what? She will learn. It has no impact on you and her judgment of you shouldn't either. By exhs girlfriend think he is amazing because he cooks, clean etc. I wasn't prepared to spend my life with someone who practically stalked me, went through my phone, followed me, accused me of cheating etc just because he did half the childcare and half the house work.

Her opinion means nothing to me. In fact I hope he has changed and she doesn't get the shitty side. She has made a comment based on his side and it has no impact on you and isn't based on anything to do with who you actually are.

I really think there was no need to tell you this to be honest. If I was the friend I would have laughed it off and never mentioned it to. Just no need. Your friend is enjoying being a shit stirrer

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/10/2018 11:35

But my point is, why not get to know him and see him for who he is yourself? Instead of passing dumb Ignorant comments like that?

I’m sorry that you’ve been upset by her comment. It seems like it’s touched a raw nerve. Did you have a lot of people telling you to ‘try to make it work’ Or saying ‘he’s lovely, are you sure you’re doing the right thing’ or wherever when you left him? Because, as most people have said, it’s really just worthy of a ‘🙄 you’ll soon see love’ (towards a random) or a ‘this is why’ to a mutual friend. Her comment really says much more about nievity than you, don’t take it personally. I’m sure we’ve all said something much the same at one time or another, then wised up!

pinkdelight · 02/10/2018 11:37

You don't even know that's verbatim what she said. No good can come of dwelling on this and definitely no good can come of saying something to her. of course she thinks you're mad/wrong/stupid to let him go. of course she's mad/wrong/stupid to think so. i don't know if your friend was shitstirring, but it wasn't meant for your ears and is just what any new girlfriend would be thinking. of course she doesn't understand why you let him go and you can't make her. she'll have to find out for herself. leave them to it, with no more unhelpful updates from your friend.

rahatul · 02/10/2018 11:38

Definitely ignore it. I'm sure she'll soon find out what he's really like.

gamerchick · 02/10/2018 11:41

Please try not to let it get to you. My ex's girlfriend was exactly the same. I found it hysterical how smug she acted. I could have done handsprings. Grin

Now 9 yrs on she can't get rid of him. He's very hard to get rid of. He's a parasite and it takes the big guns medication to remove him.

user1495390685 · 02/10/2018 11:51

Enjoy your happy place and try not to give a rat's arse about the OW. You are clearly a strong lady, so don't waste precious time getting annoyed by this. Flowers

EK36 · 02/10/2018 11:56

None of that matters now because you are happy. You friend is a stirrer. Tell her not to tell you stuff like that again. Move on. Let this woman find out for herself what kind of relationship she's in for.

FrogFairy · 02/10/2018 12:08

She will see his true colours in time.

Perhaps I am cunning, but I would be as nice as possible to her. Given how lazy your ex is, she will likely be the one looking after your kids when he has them so For their sake I would want to keep her sweet.

dorisdog · 02/10/2018 12:08

'Give her time,' followed by a knowing laugh. (Always easier to come up with after, though!). Not sure why you're friend would have told you this - hope she responded appropriately to the new GF!

Bobbybear10 · 02/10/2018 12:24

I’m going to play devils advocate here a little but maybe your ex is different with her?

My ex was emotionally abusive, he led me a merry dance and my self esteem was so low I didn’t realise that’s not how you treat someone you love or even like.

He is now in anothet relationship and is married with kids, they have been together for years now.

I often used to wonder if it was just me and I was an awful person to make him so horrible to me as he obviously didn’t treat his new partner like that or they wouldn’t have been together for years, had kids, got married etc etc.

I think the only answer must be that I brought out the worse in him for some reason and his wife must be more understanding/patient/willing to put up with more than I was.

Shortbreadtea · 02/10/2018 12:28

Given how lazy your ex is, she will likely be the one looking after your kids when he has them so For their sake I would want to keep her sweet.

This is exactly what I was thinking! He doesn't have ham overnight yet, because we live so close he just seems them couple times during the week after school. Or he takes them out in the weekend, and that's when he puts on "daddy of the year" performance.

So it will be interesting to see what happens when the DCs stay overnight. Mind you, in 8 years he's never been up with the kids, I had to get up with them every morning. And it didn't matter if I was ill, 2 days from giving birth etc, I could have the worst illness and I still had to get up! I've never had a lie in 8 years, how sad is it? Whilst he wakes up 2-3 or sometimes 4pm after been up playing games all night.

But it lasted 8 years, because I was willing to put up with it. Never again!

OP posts:
Menalight · 02/10/2018 12:43

He doesn't have ham overnight yet. Ham? you have a dc named ham?Hmm

Shortbreadtea · 02/10/2018 12:43

Them* sorry. He doesn't have them overnight yet.

OP posts:
Dyrne · 02/10/2018 12:47

Another one not understanding the glee from some posters at the prospect of another woman being lured into an abusive relationship... the “that’ll teach her” smug attitude from some is the reason why some women find it so hard to escape abusive relationships... I hope PP are kinder to their friends in RL.

I’ve said some bitchy things when venting to friends; I’d never want the target of my venting to hear what i’ve said, and I hope that doesn’t mean I somehow deserve to be in an abusive relationship?!?

averythinline · 02/10/2018 12:57

I would suggest that you sort that out then...eow is standard ...go formal as he's moved on maybe you should....
Sounds like your still too bothered about him/his life..

CloudCaptain · 02/10/2018 13:26

Well you have the benefit of hindsight which new gf certainly does not. Just pity her the years to come.
Friend is a bit of a stirrer.

PuffTheMagicDragon1 · 02/10/2018 15:32

This sounds very familiar! Except he hasn't got a new partner yet. But your not alone!

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