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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why can’t people just say “excuse me” rather than pushing past you

31 replies

AliceRR · 02/10/2018 08:18

I’m a crowded train a girl was sort of behind me. We stopped at a station at which not many people get off and I must have been blocking her way but, rather than ask to get past, she basically pushed her way past.

Why don’t people have basic manners?

Maybe I am being especially sensitive as I am pregnant (although you probably can’t tell when my coat is zipped up) but still

AIBU?

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 02/10/2018 08:29

My DH is Aussie and he noticed that the British have an aversion to saying "Excuse me" when it comes to getting past.

We think it's to do with not wanting to appear pushy ironically!

People prefer to attempt a slink past rather than drawing attention to themselves by actually speaking out.

Ginslinger · 02/10/2018 08:31

and I've noticed that a lot of the time people will say sorry when they've shoved past you rather than say excuse me to begin with.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 02/10/2018 08:33

I always say excuse me, more often than not I'll be completely ignored and then tutted at for finally getting past. I'm not that quiet. Alternatively I get tutted at just for saying excuse me.

🤷🏼‍♀️

Hadalifeonce · 02/10/2018 08:36

I always say excuse me to get past; DD thinks it's rude!!!!!!!

I get really niggled when people stare at you, even your back and expect you to read their mind about wanting to get past.

Ginslinger · 02/10/2018 08:38

that's interesting that your DD thinks it's rude - has she said why she thinks it's rude? Is it because she sees it as invading someone else's space maybe?

NeeChee · 02/10/2018 08:45

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks I've found lately that people seem to have no awareness of others around them. I was in a busy Lush shop the other day, and found myself constantly moving so I wasn't in people's way. But others will stand or walk in such a way that they completely block an aisle or footpath, not thinking that people might want to get past.

Hadalifeonce · 02/10/2018 08:46

I am not sure, I have asked her about it, asked if I should just push past, I think she would rather hang back and wait for a space.
I do think it's about not having to deal face to face with people generally these days.
DS breaks out in a sweat if he has to speak to a stranger on the phone!
But he is very sociable and comfortable speaking to strangers in person.

InertPotato · 02/10/2018 08:49

In my old age I've taken to pushing past people who occupy public space without any regard for the flow of traffic.

OvO · 02/10/2018 08:53

I’m very good at saying excuse me but a lot of people aren’t very good at hearing it. So sometimes I’ve had to 'shove' past them. It’s not really a shove but a sort of tap to get their attention.

I do prefer to bellow excuse me very loudly after the 4th attempt (rather than touch people) but then you get shocked looks and tuts when you do that. I always want to say that I was polite the first 4 times so there’s no need to get huffy now.

So yanbu as long as you know the haven’t tried politely getting past.

cblack · 02/10/2018 08:54

Maybe she didn't mean to push you and misjudged how big the gap was.
Maybe she was in a rush to get off the train, sometimes you have to be quick before even more people pile on.

I find that unless I say "excuse me" in a really annoyed voice (which is probably equally as rude as just shoving past), people tend to look around confusedly and then slowly wander out the way. By which time everyone on the platform has started getting on the train and I have to force my way past even more people. Easier just to push past people who don't have the self awareness to pay attention to the fact that some people might want to leave the train.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/10/2018 08:55

I've also noticed on trains, people on the inside by the window just standing up and looking at you when they get to their stop! No 'excuse me', nothing not a word.

Yoksha · 02/10/2018 09:12

I've always said "excuse me please". I either get a look that implies "WTF", or I have to repeat it several times because the request structure is just not in their social consciousness.

Recently I was shopping in Wilkos. There was a teenage lad barring my way. I automatically said "excuse me please". He looked at me, then stepped out of my path. I then heard his mother saying to her partner "Well! There's something you don't hear much. Especially towards youngsters". It sort of reinforced my habit to carry on displaying manners, despite being in a rather sad minority.

Soubriquet · 02/10/2018 09:15

Yes, my excuse me either gets ignored or I get looked at with bafflement.

However I am guilty of not hearing people say excuse me. In my defence I am deaf.

Doesn’t stop people barging by me and when my dh pulls them up by saying I’m deaf and didn’t hear them, I get the common response of “well she doesn’t look deaf”

MsHomeSlice · 02/10/2018 09:24

it's the utter amazement that folks actually might need to get off when the bloody doors open that gets me....

ALL I did this week was say "Excuse me, getting off, yes, YOU! MOVE please" on the tube!! Now I know that lots of those folks won't be English speakers, but yaknow...when that train stops moving and folks start approaching the doors its really not rocket science to GTF out the way! Same goes for your children too...if you don't want them to be swept off up the Piccadilly Line escalator then hold their hands and get out of the wave of moving bodies!

Soubriquet · 02/10/2018 09:32

I went to Smyths at the weekend and the amount of people who would leave their trolley/pushchair in the middle of the aisle and bugger off to the end was infuriating. Especially if you moved said trolley or pushchair so you could get by.

Well if you didn’t leave it in my way I wouldn’t need to move it now would I dickhead?!!

catchyjem · 02/10/2018 09:52

I live in London and you just have to be quite pushy if you actually want to make it off a bus or train before the doors close. I tend to make my way saying "excuse me, sorry" repeatedly, you honestly don't have time to wait for people to move. I used to often get stuck on to the next stop before I started this method. I no longer care if I get dirty looks, other people should be more aware when it's busy.

Original poster

AliceRR · 02/10/2018 09:53

Interesting that saying “excuse me” could be considered rude but then there have been times I have felt conscious of saying it as it feels like you’re saying “move please” (which I suppose you are) but then the alternative would be to wait, not push past (passed?) 🤔

OP posts:

Doghorsechicken · 02/10/2018 09:57

I say excuse me but my voice is quite soft & not everyone hears me. In my head I’m loud

SilverLining10 · 02/10/2018 09:58

I hate it when people are inconsiderate and block the way or faff about without consideration to anyone else. Those ones deserve a push out the way.

wowfudge · 02/10/2018 10:01

Some people say excuse me as they barge past, giving you no time to move. That's as bad as not saying it. I have noticed some people dither and seem to think others will telepathically know to move rather than saying excuse me. Eejits.

wowfudge · 02/10/2018 10:02

No one deserves to be pushed - that's a ridiculous thing to say.

Moocoo · 02/10/2018 10:04

I got shoved out of the way of the lipstick display in boots yesterday by a really pushy old lady and her husband. I was standing slightly to the side having a look at samples and she just came straight in and blocked the whole thing. I was quite annoyed but thankfully the lovely no 7 lady noticed, asked if I needed help, picked me out some lipsticks and ignored the lady who was hopping from foot to foot trying to get noticed.

Argeles · 02/10/2018 10:22

I’m completely sick and tired of the total lack of basic manners, and total disregard for others nowadays.

My late Grandad always used to say:

‘Manners cost nothing,’ and ‘manners open doors for you.’ I am constantly telling my 3.5 year old the same, as I believe manners to be of such high importance, and just cannot tolerate rudeness.

MrsStrowman · 02/10/2018 12:44

I was at a shopping centre on Saturday, the bit I was in wasn't especially busy, a teen girl (around 14) walked away from her friends and brushed past me, (I said nothing) one then called her name and she stopped dead and walked back straight into the side of me at pace, knocking me sideways a couple of steps, she said nothing but gave me the filthiest look! I am seven months pregnant and look it, I was wearing skinny maternity jeans. I couldn't help it, so I said loudly in her direction, 'well excuse me!' she literally just sneered at me. This wasn't some raised on the street teen gang member, she was wearing a Barbour jacket and a headband!

Yoksha · 02/10/2018 14:40

Argeles . Haha. That's what I remember being drummed into me. It's not hard in theory. Trying to keep putting it into practice? Well!

It was also drummed into me not to stoop to displaying bad manners towards the bad manners of others. And, also to always use the armour of politeness when at a loss for a response to rudeness. Hard, but it is a protection.

MrsStrowman. She'll learn the hard way. Someone with no worries about holding back will confront her in a way that'll rock her in her boots. Hope you're ok?

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