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Original poster

What should I do? :( BF's mum hates me...

43 replies

Girlonfire1998 · 01/10/2018 11:58

I've been with my boyfriend now for about 10 months and I am very happy with him, I've always seen a future with him since we started dating.
However, his family is very opinionated.
I don't conform to any religion but his family do.
He doesn't see our relationship as a problem but I feel as if his mother doesn't agree with us being together.
She's “nice” to me when I visit the house but a few days ago she was blatantly talking to my boyfriend, whilst I was in the room, about him getting married to another woman and to start having kids (with me not being in the picture).
She also said that when my boyfriend starts his family she wants him to live at home with her, but I'm very free spirited and want my own house with my boyfriend, I don't want to be cooped up with him mum and dad until the day I die.
His mum has started becoming more judgmental of me, saying my hair colour is wrong and that I'm gaining weight... which upsets me, but my boyfriend says she doesn't mean it...
I'm only 19 and he is 28, which is understandable that his mum might not be okay with the age difference but I love him more than ever and it would kill me to let him go.
It's sad to think I can't see a future with him if i have to follow the rules of his mums religion (p:s. my boyfriend is not religious either).
My boyfriend cares so much for his family that he would never do them wrong, which makes sense, but because of that he agrees with everything his mum says and I'm scared that he will let his mums opinions overwrite my own opinions of life and how to live.
I always attracted the wrong men who physically and mentally hurt me and my boyfriend showed me that not all men are assholes.
He is a good guy and he treats me like a queen and that’s all I could really ask for. Like I said, I don’t want to let him go...what should I do? :(

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 01/10/2018 12:03

She does mean it and he’s not standing up for you.

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2018 12:06

If he cared about you he'd speak up when his mum put you down or have a word with her later.

If he can't stand up to his mum you have no future together.

She was deliberatley unkind. Thats nothing to do with religion.

Original poster
Girlonfire1998 · 01/10/2018 12:13

I've never been horrible to her, I've done nothing wrong. I don't know what kind of woman she wants her son to date but apparently I don't fit the criteria.
I'm mixed race and she said she thinks it's not nice to be mixed and not know who your dad is....
my boyfriend wasn't in the room when she stated that part... ^
But I love him and it's so hard...

OP posts:
longwayoff · 01/10/2018 12:16

Oh well. Plenty of old horrors like this. Friend in mixed culture marriage, ten years in, two children, MIL still sending photos of potential wives he 'can marry at any time'. They just laugh it off now as she'll never change.

SuchAToDo · 01/10/2018 12:17

Op you and your boyfriend have to have a serious talk...

Either he needs to talk to his mother and tell her to stop being so rude to you,

Or you need to decide whether you can accept her rude behaviour (if she is like this now imagine what she would be like if you married or had kids)..

Or you need to gather your strength and leave your boyfriend, if he won't stand up for you now, he never will...

LagunaBubbles · 01/10/2018 12:18

If he can't stand up for you then then relationship is doomed.

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2018 12:23

If my partner didn’t have my back that would be the end frankly.

OliviaStabler · 01/10/2018 12:28

From what you have said this relationship has no future. If he won't stand up to his Mum now at 28 I doubt he will in the future.

Original poster
Girlonfire1998 · 01/10/2018 12:29

I won't be seeing my boyfriend for another week at least but I think this is a conversation I need to have face to face with him.
I don't want to upset him or myself to be quite honest but if his mum won't accept me... I can't live with that.
His mum is not in our relationship, as long as I make him happy why should it even matter :(

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 01/10/2018 12:33

My gran was like this with my mum. When they first got together she’d talk Greek in front of her, insulting her. My dad was all for cutting her off when I was born but mum thought it was important to foster good family relations. Gran is now a bitch to me and I feel no such compulsion.

Really seriously think about whether you want to be tied to someone who at nearly 30 doesn’t challenge his mother on her rudeness to you, or on the assumption that you’ll live with her.

You’re not even 20 yet. Live a little on your own.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 01/10/2018 12:39

She says it’s not nice to be mixed (wtf?) so by that logic if you stay with BF and have kids then they are mixed. And not nice...not worth being nice to. That’s foul.
I am sorry for you, she’s horrible. If BF won’t stand up for you now then, as sad as it is, you need to break it off. You can definitely do better.

Namechangemum100 · 01/10/2018 12:39

If he doesn't start standing up for you sharpish I would run for the hills.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2018 12:41

Your boyfriend is almost 30 and he's a pathetic mummy's boy. Run like hell.

m0therofdragons · 01/10/2018 12:42

You're not free spirited for wanting your own home. You're normal!

DolorestheNewt · 01/10/2018 12:44

The direction you choose is likely to be directly linked to your future self-esteem. It's really important to walk away from people who treat you badly or allow you to be treated badly when they could stop it. It is unlikely, without the intervention and support of your BF, that his mother will change, so you can only remove yourself from the situation.

I know it's hard.

pinkdelight · 01/10/2018 12:46

Honestly? You shouldn't even be thinking about marriage to him or anyone else. You're 19 and already cast yourself as "always" going for the wrong guy until this one swooped in and made it all alright. I get that you're in love but you so much need to just treat this as a fun relationship without this aggro and angst, and ideally have some time to define yourself not in relationship to men and how they - and their mothers - treat you. This isn't meant to be patronising. It's just awful how much power you're giving him/them over you when you're the catch here. He damn well should treat you nicely and not let his mother bring you down. No doubt it is the age difference as much as anything that troubles her, but she should butt out and let time take its course. Chances are you'll grow out of him anyway - you could say that to shut her up and keep him on his toes! Or employ the MN standard: "Did you mean to be so rude??"

KC225 · 01/10/2018 12:51

How much time do you spend with his parents? Does he still live at home? To be honest OP I cannot see this ending well. She will use your own youth to beat you with. Rather a broken heart at 19 than crushed spirit, ruptured self esteem and three kids and wondering where. to turn in 10 years

SandAndSea · 01/10/2018 12:54

She sounds awful!!

You're young. You should be enjoying yourself not tying yourself into a life of misery!

Take some time to read some of the similar horror stories on here until it sinks in what you are actually dealing with.

I doubt this situation is going to get any better. Your future mil is a grown-up with established ways. Thankfully, you have been blessed in that you've found out early on what she's like and how your bf will (not) be dealing with her. Now you know! I would strongly recommend you walk away. It'll hurt and you'll get over it and move on. I think you will look back and see what a lucky escape you had.

Mitzimaybe · 01/10/2018 13:09

If he won't stand up for you against his mum then there's no future in the relationship, honestly. Leave him and given your history with boyfriends, consider doing the Freedom Programme to re-set your compass regarding what is acceptable in relationships.

Sarahjconnor · 01/10/2018 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Girlonfire1998 · 01/10/2018 13:39

My boyfriend isn't religious and doesn't agree with his mums religion and I haven't really asked about his past relationships which I will have to ask about in all honesty.
He still lives at home but he said to me he's only living at home because he has life easier....
I'm still young so I'm not thinking about moving out just yet as I'm a student but in the future I would like to and would hope he would like to as well.
I haven't really spoke to him about the future as we are only 10 months into a relationship.
I haven't met his mum a lot but even still, she should have never been rude to me and to me first impressions count, I feel as if his mum bosses him about too much and I just wanna tell him that he's his own person and doesn't have to follow his mums rules all of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlonfire1998 · 01/10/2018 13:42

Oh! and when she was talking about marriage with him, he was on his phone and only rolling his eyes at the things she said, If he was properly listening to her I will never know but she shouldn't have said stuff like that.

I wish parents would understand that as long as their child is happy, you should let them be, if they need you they will come and talk...
I get that's his mum probably isn't as westernised but it's still wrong of her to make me feel so inadequate

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2018 13:46

You are so young and so inexperienced and you're settling for this man child. He's almost 30 and lives at home because it's "easier", which actually means he lives there because he's a lazy bastard who has his mummy do everything for him. That's the kind of man you want to share your life with? I wish I could shake some sense into you because you deserve so much better.

AngelsSins · 01/10/2018 13:54

My ex’s mother was like this too, she would openly suggest people he should date, whilst I was in the room, didn’t like that I wasn’t catholic, would buy my size 14 or 16 dresses even though she knew I. Was a size 6-8, she hated me because she didn’t think I was good enough for her precious only son. But you know what I realised? He wasn’t good enough for me. He didn’t have my back.

At 19 you’re so young, you have your life ahead of you and plenty of time to meet much better men.

Original poster
Girlonfire1998 · 01/10/2018 13:56

I know :( I know he's lazy and all of that and yes I'm young, it's just hard to explain, I don't wanna seem like a child because I'm really not
But when you have feelings for someone it clouds your judgment sometimes, like you hope it will get better when deep down you know it won't... :(
For the past months it's been really good for us but it was just when I went to his house a few days ago that made me doubt things.
I don't doubt in him because he's a good guy and works hard and has a great job but it's more so his mother who judges me and thinks of me in a bad way when I've been so nice.
His siblings are nice to me and have no problems and same as his dad, it's just his mum that seems offended by my presence, which is so disappointing.

OP posts:
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