What should I do? :( BF's mum hates me...

[Girlonfire1998]

I've been with my boyfriend now for about 10 months and I am very happy with him, I've always seen a future with him since we started dating.
However, his family is very opinionated.
I don't conform to any religion but his family do.
He doesn't see our relationship as a problem but I feel as if his mother doesn't agree with us being together.
She's “nice” to me when I visit the house but a few days ago she was blatantly talking to my boyfriend, whilst I was in the room, about him getting married to another woman and to start having kids (with me not being in the picture).
She also said that when my boyfriend starts his family she wants him to live at home with her, but I'm very free spirited and want my own house with my boyfriend, I don't want to be cooped up with him mum and dad until the day I die.
His mum has started becoming more judgmental of me, saying my hair colour is wrong and that I'm gaining weight... which upsets me, but my boyfriend says she doesn't mean it...
I'm only 19 and he is 28, which is understandable that his mum might not be okay with the age difference but I love him more than ever and it would kill me to let him go.
It's sad to think I can't see a future with him if i have to follow the rules of his mums religion (p:s. my boyfriend is not religious either).
My boyfriend cares so much for his family that he would never do them wrong, which makes sense, but because of that he agrees with everything his mum says and I'm scared that he will let his mums opinions overwrite my own opinions of life and how to live.
I always attracted the wrong men who physically and mentally hurt me and my boyfriend showed me that not all men are assholes.
He is a good guy and he treats me like a queen and that’s all I could really ask for. Like I said, I don’t want to let him go...what should I do? :(

Sweetheart, this is another one of the guys that won't treat you right. This one is just doing it in a different style. Run. RUNRUNRUN

Please leave him and his mother to get on with life together, their way.

You are young. You aren't married. You don't need this rubbish. Move on.

"Deep down you know it won't". Trust yourself.

Get out now. He is 28 and will not stand up to his mother in your defence. He will never stand up to her. He lives at home because it suits him and I'm guessing she 'looks after him', which means that if he ever did move into a place with you he will probably expect the same from you. If you marry him it will be her day, not yours and his. If you have kids your preferences will be ignored and she will take over. Just get out while you can now.

Maybe I do just attract the wrong people.... and maybe I'm just better off without relationships altogether.
It's sad cuz yes I'm young and I shouldn't think about serious relationships, but maybe it's just me... and that I'm the wrong kind of person that gets the bad treatment :(
It really upset me because I'm a nice person, I've never done wrong to anybody and it breaks my heart why people think it's okay to always hurt me...

I spent my teens being treated badly by men.

I ended up going to uni at 21 (as a mature student ha!) and decided to consciously spend the whole of uni not in a relationship. I had a couple of one night stands but on the whole I found out what I’m like when I don’t have a horrible boyfriend and turned out, I was happier and had more friends!

I was super picky about men when I graduated and ended up thinking they needed to be good enough for me not the other way round.

Got married at 29 to an amazing man.

You’ve got years, genuinely at least two decades, to find the right man. There’s no rush. If you find you are consistently going after the wrong type of guy look up the freedom program (woman’s aid); the ‘shark cage’; hang around in the feminism bit of MN; this is all stuff that won’t cost a penny but might help open your eyes to how to have a good relationship with a decent man.

That's a separate issue from having a boyfriend who is a mummy's boy and whose religion/culture you don't understand.
Get counselling for feeling you're 'the wrong kind of person'. Really, I mean it, your life can be transformed.
And ditch mummy's little boy. He'll marry who she says he'll marry, even if he's given you half a dozen children first.
Run.

Everybody has pointed out to you that your BF doesn't defend you, doesn't have your back, doesn't stand up for you. You might think that this isn't that important, but it is - it's CRUCIAL. His mother is insulting you, criticising you, disrespecting you, and your BF is just letting that happen.

Really, that's so far from not good enough you'd need a telescope to see it. Don't you think everyone deserves to be treated with respect and consideration? My MiL once made a rude and abrasive comment to me, and DH (or BF as he was then) responded instantly and sharply. That's because his loyalty was to me (although I would expect if I spoke to his MiL like that he would pull me up on it, and rightly so) and he wanted to ensure there were no more "attacks" like that. This is what your BF should be doing, but he isn't.

And living with his parents still because "it's easier". I'm sure it is, he doesn't have to behave like an adult and look after himself, run a house by himself. He is behaving like a child.

You're only ten months in op, you can cut loose from this guy and look for someone decent.

You're the same age as my dd.

I really hope you don't mind me saying so, but you are so young and you have so much going for you in life. You don't have to think about settling down with anyone yet.

Get out there, have fun and enjoy the freedom of youth. You can still see your boyfriend, but maybe with a family like his, it is possible he won't be the one in the end.

Give yourself time.

So many women go through this and it NEVER gets easier. Once you’re married, it will get worse because there’s no way out for you and from everyone else’s point of view you will have chosen to be in that family.

28 and lives at home? No normal 28 yr old man wants to live at home. Most 28 yr old men would rather live in a shitty shared accommodation than live at home because they actually prefer to be independent. Your BF is still a man-child who doesn’t stand up for you. Remember that people don’t change!!!! When he moves in with you, he’ll just trade one skivvy for another (hint - you’re the new skivvy).

19 is incredibly young. Cut your losses and be consciously single for a while. You need to get to know yourself and develop some standards!

I would run for the hills if I were you, this is going to be it, if you are with him, and he is too afraid to stand up for you.

He's nearly 30 and still living at home because it's 'easier'. He's a lazy mummy's boy who's got an easy life with mummy sorting everything out. The only reason I'd ever consider a relationship with an adult who was living at home is if they were saving hard to move out.

I agree with the poster above who went off to uni as a mature student and spent time finding out who she is and what she wants. Your confidence will attract the right man. Spend time single, foster friendships and your future. You don't need a BF for self worth.

Good luck OP. If your BF doesn't have your back now, he never will. When you have kids, it's so important that you and your BF agree on the same things, you'll see on MN the kind of issues that come up (breastfeeding/bottle feeding, sleep routines/training, discipline, family time). You won't agree on everything but you really can't work on this stuff when his mum is the third person in your relationship.

There will always be 3 of you in this relationship, get out now!

My niece Lily's boyfriend Sam, has a mum who is a vile and putrid article who has pretty much alienated her whole family. Even her sister and mother have nothing to do with her.

She was vile to Sam his whole life, verbally abusing him and often hitting him. She treated his younger brother Olly better - though still not brilliant. Sam cut his mum off after she attacked Lily, called her a cunt, and threw her out of her house, purely for saying she wanted to get a flat with Sam. Lily and Sam had been together for 2 years, so it wasn't unreasonable to want to get a place together. Sam's hideous mother was only concerned about losing the £400 a month she had off Sam for board money.

He cut her off 3 years ago, he has never looked back, and he has never been happier. His brother sided with his mum, and it split the family up. But a few weeks ago, Sam heard that his brother had moved 150 miles down south with a girl, and was also not speaking to their mother now, after she kicked off a massive shit storm with him too!

Sam's father left his mother 10 years ago, and it's not hard to see why. Sam still has a good relationship with his father, and stepmum and step sister, and also his nana, and his mother's sister (who also hates her!) and his 3 cousins.

Upshot is, if a man really loves and cares for his girlfriend/woman/partner, he will defend her to the hilt, and put the mother in her place, or disown her.

Run.

You can do better. Being alone is better than someone who is happy for his family to act like you are just the person he's sleeping with to keep him company until he's ready to marry the right sort of girl.

He might end up marrying outside his religion, but you aren't the woman he's prepared to face down his parents over. Because he doesn't see your relationship as lasting, even if he doesn't plan to marry one of the woman his mum wants him to.

Run for the hills.

You're 19 and you are facing decades of this. Don't put yourself through it. There are tons of nice guys around, who you will love just as much as this one. Don't make your life more difficult than it is.

You should be looking for someone whose family welcomes you into their arms and thinks you're the best thing that's happened to their son, not someone who wishes you didn't exist.