How to politely stop grandparents becoming obsessive?

[user1471874638]

Here's the back story, skip to the next part if its too long. We have an almost 4 year old, I'm British, but live in another European country where my husband and his family are from (I'd prefer to be in the UK, but that's another story) when my son was just under a year old I had to have an operation, I had lots of complications and ended up in and out of hospital for a while, recovery was really long and difficult. This is why my in-laws started having my son every weekend sometimes for two nights, and at the worst they'd have him for a night during the week too, he continued going every weekend for a night (early Saturday, until late Sunday) for a few months until I began trying to limit it. This has been an ongoing battle since, not only from them, but also my husband. He enjoys our weekends together, but he's out of the house mon-fri, where does that leave any room for family time if my son is at his grandparents every single weekend? It's slowly improved, but I constantly feel like we're on the edge because of it. I have had to force it to the point of us having terrible arguments, just for my son to go Saturday evening and be picked up later on Sunday.

Now my son has just started preschool and ill be missing out on a huge amount of time with him, I've made it clear he won't be spending over half of the weekend with them, I made sure to tell my husband that seversl months before so we wouldn't clash so much over it. It's his 4th week now, they've been seeing him for a couple of days after school for an hour or so with me around and I continued letting him sleepover Saturday night but he's been going there from Saturday evening until around 2-3pm Sunday, this last weekend I decided ill finally put my foot down and keep him here overnight. They picked him up 10am sunday, and we picked him up at 3pm, we didn't leave their house until 4pm, so that's 6 hours with him Sunday (we'd also been there for 3 hours Friday) you would think I'd stabbed someone! The atmosphere in the room was terrible and I know it's because I've cut their time. I am so sick of this constant battle to keep my son for the weekend, I don't know what to do about it. I'm a very private person, so even though my in-laws are really nice people, I can't deal with having them around me all the time. I want to spend quality time with my little family alone, what is wrong with that?

Another issue is my son is bilingual, so when we're there they mostly speak in their language, this has created a huge divide in parenting and rules. For example, yesterday my son spat in my mother in laws hand. This is completely unacceptable to me, but she hardly said anything to him and was pretty much laughing two seconds later, while she still sat there with it in her hand. I feel tension as soon as I say anything, because they're so used to being the discipline in their house due to language. They are way too soft on him (I know all grandparents are) and it's not how I want to raise him, they allow him to do and act in ways I'm not OK with, but what am I meant to do about it? I already feel like everyone is about to lose it because I'm cutting back their time a bit.

Then there's how ott she is with him, lately she's been glued to him, constantly kissing and hugging him (I know this sounds normal, but it's in an uncomfortable really ott way) I don't feel like I can get anywhere near him when she's around. Which brings me to my next issue why can't she see him with us being there? Why do they always need to have so much alone time with him? It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm in a divorced family, where I'm being ordered to not be present during visits.

I'm lost, I don't know how to set boundaries when they would take him every single day if they could and my husband seems fine with it, so we butt heads constantly. At this point, I'm thinking my only option without our marriage breaking down is moving back to the UK, but I know that would destroy them.

Why don't you arrange a holiday for a couple of weeks back to the UK, maybe to visit your own dp's? That might help to break the habit of weekend stays, and it would give you a break.

It sounds tough but you are his parent. Give him into trouble when he does something like spitting, just because you are in their house doesn't mean they get to take the lead on everything. I've never not given my DD into trouble for something just because it was at my in-law's house. Do they speak to you in English when you visit, are you making an effort to learn their language? Can you discuss that with them and your DH if they don't? That would be more of an issue to me if I was effectively ignored because I couldn't keep up with the conversation while I was facilitating them seeing their GC.

Can you start going to some activity groups at the weekend close to you? Just you and him, even just a couple of hours at a library or something?

I can see why they'd be upset at losing time with him as it's been their normal but family dynamics and activities change. They just have to get used to it. The more you say no and organise other things for him at weekends the easier it will become. There will be birthday parties and activities he will start wanting to attend, it won't be possible for this set up to continue indefinitely.

I lived in another country when my dc were growing up and I found it quite isolating but the one advantage was that our family unit grew stronger as we didn’t have anyone else. We only had each other to rely on. It was the two of us looking after the dc, going to every school event, making every book day costumes etc.

There s no way I’d want my children somewhere else every weekend. I like them and I want to spend time with them. They aren’t an inconvenience to be put aside. And nobody is going to tell me that I can’t be with my own children!

Quite obviously this is all your dh. He’s got his mammy looking after him very nicely thank you very much, and then you to cater to his other needs.

Nobody knows more than me how it’s not in any way easy to just ‘move back to the UK’. But I would start aiming for that. Nobody seems to give a hoot what you want.

Fvck me OP that's like you're sharing with a third non resident parent.

Two things strike me about your post.

1. Why do you feel you have to do this politely? Your feelings are valid. You don't have to justify them. They are trampling all over your wants and needs (to bond and have quality time together) and being incredibly selfish. I think you have spent so long having your perfectly reasonable preferences and boundaries eroded that you somehow think it's also your responsibility to keep the peace here.

Wake up! Why are you being so sacrificial here - don't your needs come somewhere in the priority list? (The answer is yes, and it's above theirs!)

1. You are on a losing battle without your DH on board. You let him deal with your in laws. Your biggest battle is the undermining he's doing, and lack of support. Might as well not bother trying to change when your husband doesn't even support you

You may want to remind him/them that in shared custody cases that his share of the time would have to cover their time too. You'd be in a better position, backed up legally, if you were to separate!

Maybe the OPs being polite because this started out as the grandparents looking after her son whilst she was ill? Which was quite a kind thing to do.

OP I think YANBU. Maybe it would be helpful to work out what you might be happy with for the next few years and establish that as "the new normal"? So 1 day after school and Fri night to Sat lunch (or whatever)?

Single - we can't go back to the UK right now because of preschool.

Themobilesite - my MIL speaks English, but we like to keep it mostly in their language there because it's good for my son being bilingual. I know the language on a very basic level, I'm learning and improving. I had no interest in learning it until recently and I know that's terrible. I was thinking about looking into some groups at the weekend, but I know they'll just try to get in the time somwhere else instead. Another "option" is them picking him up from school one of the days and him sleeping there, but then I wouldn't see him from 7:30am until 4pm the next day.

Savoy - that's exactly how I feel, like what I want as a mother and how I want to raise my family doesn't matter and its all about them. I'm already living in a country I don't want to live in to make my husband (and them) happy.

Genivert - I don't want to hurt their feelings,
they're really good to us and decent people. I just want to go about this in the best way without damaging our relationships. You are right though, it's a constant battle with my husband and I don't feel backed up, I think he sides with them. He says it's normal for children to go with their grandparents every weekend, to go on long trips out every weekend and to sleepover. I haven't only been polite about it with my husband, we've had a lot of arguments about this, to the point of me nearly walking out. I've told him exactly what you said that I feel like I'm in a divorced family dealing with another parent.

I think you need to be blunt with them. Tell them that now he is at school you miss him and want him with you. Tell them that they had their turn as parents when your husband was a child and that now it is your turn.
I think the previous posters idea about a trip home for a couple of weeks is a good idea. It might help to break the cycle.
My last suggestion is don't leave him with them at all, stay and make it clear you are mum. If they try to get you to leave say no that you enjoy the time with your son and that you miss him whilst he is away from you. Have them come to you or even better meet them somewhere e.g. for a walk.

So your H works mon-fri and is happy for your son to be away all weekend? Essentially he’s happy to spend virtually no time with his own child?

How is your marriage apart from this issue?

And you are just going to have to put your foot down with your in-laws. They need to get a hobby or something to do at weekends. Your son is YOURS and they need to respect that and not make you feel like shit for wanting to spend time with your own offspring ffs.

How about they have him one night a fortnight?

They are just going to have to learn to suck it up and deal with their feelings.

You need to work out how to cut the weekends down to one night every 2-3 weekends.

Is there something you can arrange for you, your husband and child to do on the other weekends? Are there any child centric sporting activities that start early on Saturday and Sunday mornings you can convince your son to do for a while?

I thought if a child was bilingual it was good for them to be spoken to by specific people in each language, not that everyone speaks to each other. So eg your MIL speaks to him exclusively in her language but you speak in English. You and her converse in whatever language you feel is easiest between you. I might be wrong but that's how a couple of my friends with bilingual families were doing it.

It might be normal in your DH's head for this to be happening but that doesn't mean it has to be normal for your family.

I think there needs to be one big conversation about how you are extremely grateful for them stepping in when you were ill but you feel like as you missed a lot of his very early years you now need to spend some quality time with him before he is off doing things with friends and you have missed out.

Basically, you need to put your foot down with a firm hand, OP! You're the mother and you make the rules. And so he misses a couple of weeks preschool? So what? It's only preschool! Or go in half term!

Hi OP,

I could have written your thread. I was in exactly the same situation. I have a lazy husband who is happy to farm out his parenting to his parents. I am also British and live overseas in his home country. We had bilingual issues. It is sad for you and traumatizing. I really understand. Things have improved for us but that was only possible when I put my foot down. Until you do, they will walk all over you. They can do this in several ways. Often it was with 'kindness' - infuriating, overbearing encroachment.

You are the Mother and you decide. I can only tell you what I did.,

1. Your language should only be spoken in your home. So that you can understand and communicate with your child. When your in laws are present with you, they should speak English. So that you are included, aware and informed.

1. If you over facilitate the relationship with PIL. Take a step back. Let your husband deal with his family. You do not parent with his parents. Reintroduce this boundary to them and also your husband.

1. Your husband does not get to decide what happens every weekend because he is not reasonable. Overnight week night visits should stop immediately. Plan things for you and your child to make these impossible. You don't even need to have a conversation about it. Weekend visits should be cut back but only you can make this happen. Just say no. If your husband sulks and wants his weekend, tell him to go to his parents. You must be resolute and not back down. Again, find a weekend activity that you have in place and frustrate all attempts to interfere with it.

1. How strong is your social network? Where is your family? You need to rally them. Take your son to visit them. Dilute down your husband's family's influence. Reclaim birthdays and celebrations by going away. Share less information with them. Reclaim your home.

Essentially you have said that you are being bullied in to handing over your child. Tell your husband this is a dealbreaker. And mean it.

I have so much sympathy for you. Youth are stealing precious time which you won't get back. Fight back.

Regarding the bilingual thing, your DS lives in your DH's country and goes to preschool there, so it's not that language you have to protect, it's the English. And you only speak English! So you should feel perfectly entitled to discipline your son, in English, in front of his grandparents.

But in a nutshell, the way to keep it polite is to tell them - don't ask them - when your son is available to meet up with them, and keep a smile plastered on your face the whole time. A mother deciding where her son sleeps is not impolite. A grandparent trying to decide differently against the mother's wishes, that's bloody impolite. If they want to make it awkward, let them, it wasn't you that caused the problem.

What's your situation in the place you're living in? Can you drive? Can you speak enough of the local language to chat to people at the school gate, or do you know any other English speakers particuarly English speaking mums? Could you get a job there, and if not, do you know what the local rules are regarding custody in the event of a split, and whether you would be likely to be granted full custody (and be able to come home with your boy)? Not that you want to split up, but it's good to know how strong your negotiating position is.

Do you want to go home? What's stopping you all? Preschool isn't enough of a reason to stay there, sorry, it's not, believe me when I say that the older your DS gets the harder it will be to leave (I have 6yo twins and live in Germany). And you moving back to the UK will not destroy your in-laws - you sound nice, you sound like you would facilitate them seeing your DS, but they are adults, if you'd decided to stay in the UK or anywhere else they'd have to learn to live with it, because he's not their child!

Your husband was probably brought up in this culture and accepts it as the norm and whether you like it or not he's allowed an opinion, even if it differs from yours. On here the expectation is always that the father should support the mother's opinion, never the other way round. You need to try and talk with him and explain your concerns and fears. It's always a problem when the parents have differing experiences from their childhood.

I think shifting to one night in the week is a good idea, they can pick him up from pre school and do him off next day, gives them their over night time, or it might feel like, thanks for all the help but we're done with that and don't need you anymore. It gives you a night off midweek and then all weekend together as a family.

1. arrange time away from the grandparents, eg holiday
2. learn the language (not sure how you’ve coped so far) as not knowing it is isolating
3. confront your husband on his seeming disinterest in your son
4. be strong and assert yourself. You can do this politely but you need to be firm. You’re his mother. It’s your rules

As above, it also takes into account his father's cultural norms which are just as important as yours

Agree with keithrichards and genivert. Your problem is your useless lazy dh. (Isn't it alwasys?)

Tell your in-laws you're grateful for them looking after dc when you were ill and couldn't do it, but now you would like to spend more time as a family of three.

Say he's your dc - they've had their dc and got to raise them as they wanted. Now it's your turn. Your feeling and wishes are just as valid as anyone else's here.

But your h really needs to be on side or else you're fighting a losing battle.

It sounds as though GPs have been really helpful-but that surely doesn't mean that you need to hand your child over when it's no longer needed?

Where was your husband in that time-why was he unable to look after his son?

How about he goes to pil every Sunday night. So gets there late afternoon and you pick him up Monday after school?

Just say no. He's your son, for pity's sake. I wouldn't even negotiate. You have every right to determine where your son spends time.

Also agree with PP who said preschool is not a reason to avoid travel. In many countries they don't even start school until seven. Is preschool even mandatory where you live, OP?

DC doesn’t need to stay over at GPs at all now. Maybe the odd night every couple of months or so. Possibly have him go to theirs for tea one night during week but you pick up at bed time.

I could have written your post Op. Honestly I was you. My inlaws were/are hugely overbearing - demanding (not asking!) for constant access to the kids. It was always about 'helping us'. Your instincts are telling you that things need to change now.

The thing that changed for me is that I began to look at what I wanted. I was (like lots of women) brought up with the message of putting myself last and being 'good' which essentially means completely ignoring your own feelings and self.

I would stop deferring to your husband and to your in-laws. How do you want to bring up your children? Why is what your inlaws and husband want more important than you? Honestly it has been transforming to me to realise that what I felt was important and how I wanted to bring up my children was ok.

Listen to yourself and don't let anyone else tell you that you are wrong.

Stop negotiating. Decide what you want to happen. Let everyone know.

Or avoid upsetting them and look back one day and realise you've missed your sons early years and he has bad manners.

Of course you have a dh problem too...

Could you send him to them one day instead of preschool?