How to politely stop grandparents becoming obsessive?

[user1471874638]

Here's the back story, skip to the next part if its too long. We have an almost 4 year old, I'm British, but live in another European country where my husband and his family are from (I'd prefer to be in the UK, but that's another story) when my son was just under a year old I had to have an operation, I had lots of complications and ended up in and out of hospital for a while, recovery was really long and difficult. This is why my in-laws started having my son every weekend sometimes for two nights, and at the worst they'd have him for a night during the week too, he continued going every weekend for a night (early Saturday, until late Sunday) for a few months until I began trying to limit it. This has been an ongoing battle since, not only from them, but also my husband. He enjoys our weekends together, but he's out of the house mon-fri, where does that leave any room for family time if my son is at his grandparents every single weekend? It's slowly improved, but I constantly feel like we're on the edge because of it. I have had to force it to the point of us having terrible arguments, just for my son to go Saturday evening and be picked up later on Sunday.

Now my son has just started preschool and ill be missing out on a huge amount of time with him, I've made it clear he won't be spending over half of the weekend with them, I made sure to tell my husband that seversl months before so we wouldn't clash so much over it. It's his 4th week now, they've been seeing him for a couple of days after school for an hour or so with me around and I continued letting him sleepover Saturday night but he's been going there from Saturday evening until around 2-3pm Sunday, this last weekend I decided ill finally put my foot down and keep him here overnight. They picked him up 10am sunday, and we picked him up at 3pm, we didn't leave their house until 4pm, so that's 6 hours with him Sunday (we'd also been there for 3 hours Friday) you would think I'd stabbed someone! The atmosphere in the room was terrible and I know it's because I've cut their time. I am so sick of this constant battle to keep my son for the weekend, I don't know what to do about it. I'm a very private person, so even though my in-laws are really nice people, I can't deal with having them around me all the time. I want to spend quality time with my little family alone, what is wrong with that?

Another issue is my son is bilingual, so when we're there they mostly speak in their language, this has created a huge divide in parenting and rules. For example, yesterday my son spat in my mother in laws hand. This is completely unacceptable to me, but she hardly said anything to him and was pretty much laughing two seconds later, while she still sat there with it in her hand. I feel tension as soon as I say anything, because they're so used to being the discipline in their house due to language. They are way too soft on him (I know all grandparents are) and it's not how I want to raise him, they allow him to do and act in ways I'm not OK with, but what am I meant to do about it? I already feel like everyone is about to lose it because I'm cutting back their time a bit.

Then there's how ott she is with him, lately she's been glued to him, constantly kissing and hugging him (I know this sounds normal, but it's in an uncomfortable really ott way) I don't feel like I can get anywhere near him when she's around. Which brings me to my next issue why can't she see him with us being there? Why do they always need to have so much alone time with him? It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm in a divorced family, where I'm being ordered to not be present during visits.

I'm lost, I don't know how to set boundaries when they would take him every single day if they could and my husband seems fine with it, so we butt heads constantly. At this point, I'm thinking my only option without our marriage breaking down is moving back to the UK, but I know that would destroy them.

He is your child, he needs you to be strong for him. Tell your husband, don’t ask, what is going to happen this weekend, he can tell his parents. Take it one weekend at a time, it will soon become the norm. Make plans that make them taking him impossible.

Fuck this , you have a dh with lazy parenting problems. Whilst your dc is away you can serve his needs I imagine. You will never get the early years back (or any in fact) it is a precious time and yadnbu.

What @atotalshambles has written really rings true with me. I got myself in to my situation because I was too polite, naive and eager to please my in laws and my husband.

I also wrongly assumed everyone was playing fair and acting in the best interests of the child. That wasn't the case. My husband certainly wasn't - he was lazy and selfish. My in-laws were (and still are) obsessed with my children. But I am the mother and some of my culture, character and view of the world needs to be shared with my child. It is not healthy to separate a child from its mother and blur the lines of parenting. It is in an emergency situation, but not as a way of life.

I do not give a fuck now. I remain angry that they took those early experiences from me. They had no right. Also that they felt they had the right to distort my child's upbringing and behavior. You wrote about your child spitting in to his GMs hand. I had something similar happen when my two children were being applauded for screaming and shrieking at the dining table. It was completely alien to me. That's when you become isolated, unhappy and start to doubt yourself.

I uprooted my life to move to my husband's country for his work. I did not have children to fulfill the grandparents needs. I do what I want now - so often women are pressured to 'act nice and think of others'. Screw it.

I had to have a therapist intervene with my husband in the end and tell him what was happening was not normal.

It's nice for children to have grandparents but having a mother is essential. It also helps for them to grow up with two parents who work together as a team - your husband isn't doing that. He isn't committed to your vision of what a family is - can you live like that?

Messybun - he used to say he needed the weekend to recharge, but I'm not innocent either. I went through a stage of about 3 months when my son was 1 when I would encourage him to stay an extra night sometimes. I was really depressed and tired at the time about how my health was post op. But that ended a long time ago and I've been constantly fighting for extra time with him since. For the past 6+ months he hasn't been going there until about 5pm on Saturday (that caused lots of fights too) then DH was picking him up around 7pm and not getting back with him until 9pm, which is far too late.. Constant adjustments and nagging every single week. I am tired of it.

Our marriage can be difficult, he's stubborn and likes to avoid conflict, I'm stubborn and like to air everything out. We clash a lot, but we're improving. It's mostly about my son and his parents though.

Themobilesite - maybe I didn't explain properly, they speak their language to him, but she speaks English to me there and so does my husband. My son mostly speaks their language there, and he can be shy about speaking English in front of them because it gains so much attention. He speaks English sometimes to his preschool teacher, so I don't know if it's just refusal around family because he's just used to speaking to them without me around (earlier on). He knows English just as well, if not better.

Single - I would agree normally, but as he's new to the preschool and went through a huge fuss initially with lots of tears, I don't want to take him away from it yet until he's a bit more established there. My family are visiting here during the next days off, so the only other time would be Christmas. I think they'd have a heart attack if I took him to the UK during Christmas!

Whatwouldkeith - I don't have much of a social circle here, I work from home and I haven't made much of an effort outside of family because I never planned on staying here. I'm thinking about joining some expat parent groups though. I'd like to take him back to see my family, but I don't think that can happen until after Christmas.

I see a few of you mentioning preschool not being an issue, it honestly wouldn't be as big of an issue when he's more established there. Its a good school (that also has primary and high school, which is bilingual) it was really difficult to get him into and it costs a fair bit of money, we don't really have the money to just throw away at a school he won't be attending, then flights and hotels on top of that. We're also about to move into a new house, so money is short. The house happens to be on the street above my in-laws :/ it's taken over a year to build and I'm beginning to dread it.

As for them picking him up from school, usually I think I'd be OK with it. But she seems desperate to pick him up, she came there with me on the second week (my husband told her to tone it down with the teachers and leave it up to me) and she was so ott, she started in English with them then ended up talking a lot to two of the teachers in her language, asking a million questions. She was taking pictures and being very ott there. I understand she's a grandparent and excited, but I think she over steps the boundaries sometimes. This is one of the rare things I can take control with because the teacher speaks English..but she couldn't help herself. Shes always talking to my son about her picking him up and telling my husband that our son has asked her to pick him up.

I agree that I need to respect my husbands cultural norms, but I think his parents are ott even for this country. Also bear in mind that I'm already living in their country and completely changing my life and how I want to raise my son because of it. I need something to be about me too.

Thanks so much for the replies everyone, I really felt alone with this.

Do they respect your cultural norms? Or the fact that you are his Mother?

No? So why are you so worried about their feelings?

Why is their Christmas more important than yours and your families?

For what it's worth, I am bilingual and the rule in our house was that you always spoke English in front of people who didn't speak our language, especially at home, as it's rude otherwise.

Your child can and should go to preschool. This comes before extended visits to grandparents. You collect him and you take him. The PILs have no need to be at his school. That is a place and community for you.

You need to move their relationship back to life me of grandparents. That is not what they are doing right now.

And yes, as @ThistleAmore says... because as well as teaching our children to be bilingual, we teach and promote common courtesy and awareness for others. Think of it as no different from teaching your child not to spit.

Have you sat down with them and explained exactly how you feel, and tried to come up with a plan together? Do they accept that you are perfectly well now, or are they still in you being ill mode?

Did your 'D'H want children? As it seems he is actively hoping to spend next to no time with him?

I would never allow this to continue. In your shoes I would be telling them they do things your way or you and your son are moving back to the UK. You are the mother, time to start asserting yourself.

Not saying it is easy, but you have let it go on for long enough. Act today. Good luck.

It's ridiculous that you say they would have a heart attack if you came to the UK at Christmas. I'm tempted to advise you you must do it! You live very near to them all year, I think times like Christmas, Easter and other holidays would be when you would be expected to visit your family with your son.

Sounds like you will need to be firm and tell them (PIL and husband) what you need and expect.

They can't demand that you live near them and then also commandeer every holiday. What about your family or friends? Where are you in all of this - you're nothing more than an incubator otw.

I do feel rather sorry for your parents, OP. I would imagine they want to see you and your son just as much as your ILs do, but don't get to because they aren't as pushy. Apologies if I'm reading the situation wrongly.

Having mulled this over, I think the root cause of a lot of this is that your DH didn't cope properly, as a decent father who set firm boundaries, whilst you were ill.

You were ill. Your DH either couldn't or wouldn't cover the parenting gap... So his parents stepped in.

Instead of seeing this as a temporary aid to the fact that your DH wasn't coping, all of them (yes, Inc DH) saw it as setting a norm.

I feel very angry on behalf of the OP who instead of being able to rely on DH to have his nuclear family's best interests at heart during her illness... Has just allowed this to occur. Robbing the OP of her rightful priority place - her and DH should be saying what happens in the children's lives, not the in-laws!

I think you need to get your dp on board and then just tell the gp that the sleepovers are stopping because you aren’t seeing enough of your son. Tell them that you are happy to visit but make it clear that if there is an unpleasant atmosphere then you won’t be putting your son in that atmosphere.

Based on what you are saying, it sounds like your marriage is going to break in an explosive way down the track. Being a sacrificial lamb is not doing your son any favours. He is downloading how he thinks a normal family should function. People learn and unlearn things. However, in many cases, there is a pattern you download in your early years of your life and that is your reflex behaviour in your later years.
You are mother. In most cases (not all), the mother is most likely to have her child's best interests in mind. The best thing for you to do, is go to the UK. You don't need to live where you are living to raise him as a bilingual person. You can learn the language online, download kids shows in the language, join an organisation for people of that country and go to their events or send him to a language class in the UK. It's very easy to feel trapped after giving birth and lose a bit of your own identity. If you go back to UK, it will give you a bit of time away to think through things and nurture yourself. Perhaps become a little more independent. In my experience, a timeout can help marriages.

And yes, these behaviors are learned very early. My husband is useless bastard because his mother has wiped his arse for 45 years. Do you want your son to be like this too?

" My husband is useless bastard because his mother has wiped his arse for 45 years. "

Surely he's a useless lazy bastard as he was happy to let it continue rather than bother to do it himself?

I'll never know what his early potential was, to be fair, but point taken 🤣

Women are always expected to take the blame for men being crap.

I suspect that Grandma is tuning out your polite attempts because that's not what she wants to hear.

I think you need to have a difficult, frank conversation with her where you lay out clearly some boundaries so that she is clear. I would approach it from the point of view of how you feel: that you want to have more time with your son and that her picking him up from school and constantly wanting him to stay at theirs is making you feel unhappy.

I might go so far as to say to her that you want to establish boundaries at this stage so that it doesn't get to the point where you feel so fed up that you start to avoid contact completely or worse, consider moving.

If you have a mother in law who is willing to get down on her knees to tie her 42 year old son's laces for him, and a husband who will let her, then you have two problems.

When you JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) your parenting decisions to them, you raise their status to coparent who is allowed to pick apart your reasons for making a choice about how your son spends his time. You don't justify what you feed your son to the grocer, do you? Or tell DS's preschool teacher why you are putting him in blue shoes rather than green ones? Similarly, you don't need to explain to his grandparents why you no longer wish for your DS to spend 36 hours of every weekend at their home in the future. Keep it simple.

You: Next weekend, DH, DS, and I have plans. We'll see you in two weeks on Date A.

Them: Why can't he stay overnight?

You: Because we have plans.

Them: But we want to see him sooner. We will miss him too much.

You: Sorry, that's not an option. We'll see you on Date A.

Them: Why can't he come over on Date B or Date C instead so we can see him?

You: That doesn't work for us.

Them: But why not? It's not fair!

You: Sorry MIL, I need to go take dinner out of the oven before it burns. We'll see you on Date A. Bye!

Whatever you do, don't negotiate. And don't vary your answer or give in to the pressure to tell them what your conflicting plans are. Limit yourself to a breezy default "that doesn't work for us" reply and then get off the phone if they keep badgering you to explain.

I really feel for you. It's not "normal" for the children to stay a night a week with the grandparents, especially if the mother does not want them to. Do all the children at his school spend one night a week at grandparents? Did your husband stay nights with his grandparents? Even if he did, it doesn't mean you have to carry on the tradition. I think it's difficult for you at the moment as it's three against one and you feel that you have to be grateful to your in laws for helping you out. However shift your thinking - in a sense they were really helping your husband out, they did it out of love for him and your child, rather than you. Your husband and his parents are not respecting your feelings and needs. You need to resolve this with your husband. Maybe try writing him a letter or email, explaining things rather than arguing. He needs to see things from your perspective. I think in practical terms you need to stop your mother in law picking up the child and stop your child staying the nights, especially if you feel she is getting obsessional. Just do twice a week short visits. That's normal. Also I really think you and your son needs to spend more time with your family and friends. If your husband continues not to respect your wishes, I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Tell your husband it's definitely not normal to force a mother to leave her child at grandparents a night a week against her wishes. Just tell him you want the child to stay with you! And it is only normal for grandparents to pick up children from school if parents can't do it. People are complex. Your in-laws may be nice and helpful in the sense they are there for your grandchild when you were ill, but they definitely aren't being nice now as otherwise they would want to reduce conflict between you and your husband. It may be helpful to really restrict your personal interaction with your in-laws. Just be polite and distant when you see them. Just tell your husband I want to pick up my child from school on my own. I don't get on with mother in law any more and find it difficult. Ask him to convey that to mother-in-law. Also suggest you and your husband do weekend activities with your son. Maybe give your in-laws Sunday afternoon . So that way you can pick your son up as it's near bed time and has to go to school. It's better for the long term relationship with your in-laws to really restrict your interaction with them now as otherwise you'll end up hating them.

None of you are considering the child in this, only the mother?!

Her son will be completely bereft and could quite possibly develop abandonment issues which happen commonly around age 3. OP , you will need to reduce time very slowly, as in every other weekend night and every other weekend day for a while before you take one of the weekends away.

Your son will love his grandparents and it is unfair on him to reduce this time unless done very slowly.

Good luck.