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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU DH and Colleague

31 replies

Saywhat31 · 01/10/2018 06:54

Been up since 4.30am Thanks to my brain working overtime over this so need some perspective if I can please.
DH started a new job in June and there is one woman he works with that I feel really uneasy about. Not long after he had been there she would message him really random messages at random times, nothing unusual there but DH always said he couldnt take to her as she really annoyed him (they are complete opposites) so wouldn't reply on most occasions.

Last night whilst we were talking with friends they dropped into conversation how my husband had told this woman that she looked and reminded him of a certain famous face..... again maybe no biggie, But the famous face is one of his top crushes. They said she must still be thinking of his comment as She brought it up again in work yesterday. DH also told me in the past that she wasn't his type at all. They also said that this woman has dropped him off at home before now (with other people in the car) but my husband told me that she finishes work at 6pm every night and he doesn't finish until 10-11pm. What I cant understand is, surely if you say you disliked somebody, you would distance yourself from that person? Or is that just me?

I know I was so wrong in doing it but I checked his phone last night and his old messages from her were on there, checked again this morning and they have been deleted. Woke him up to ask him why he had deleted them, he said to see if I would go snooping which I had done so I played into his hands. It was wrong of me I know but I cant shake this feeling.

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy about it or am I over reacting? I trust him but I find it hard to trust other women due to issues in the past. So sorry to ramble on, needed to get it all down!

OP posts:

AuntBeastie · 01/10/2018 06:58

Are the issues in the past that your DH has been unfaithful? If so I could see why you are anxious now.

Original poster

Saywhat31 · 01/10/2018 07:03

AuntBeastie Yes sorry should of added that. He had another colleague stay over on a few occasions at his place very early on in our relationship (2nd month in) We have been together for 4 years now and have 2 DC.
That pain I felt back then will never leave me, although he has worked endlessly to regain my trust (which he does now have) I do feel sick at situations like this. It may seem pathetic to some but I cant help the way I feel inside at times.

OP posts:

AngelSlides · 01/10/2018 07:08

Listen to your gut. I’m sure you’ve posted about this before, a while ago now?

RayRayBidet · 01/10/2018 07:09

Well clearly he doesn't have your trust or you wouldn't have snooped.
I'm not criticising you, you state that you trust him but you don't.
I don't know if he is cheating, but if he is you know what to do.
If he isn't then you need to work on your feelings about what happened in the past.
Sorry OP, I don't know what else to say. Hope you are OK

Original poster

Saywhat31 · 01/10/2018 07:11

I've not posted on here before as I only joined last week, so I'm not sure which post that was. I just genuinely dont know if its me being over sensitive about stuff like this hence why I would like other people's opinions as outsiders x

OP posts:

thedogiswearingtartan · 01/10/2018 07:12

That's complete bullshit about deleting the messages to see if you would snoop. Why is he trying to set you up? Why is he trying to head fuck you? If he's cheated in the past he should be doing everything to show you he's not interested in this woman.

I don't understand why he even has her number.

You know the old saying - If it walks like a duck etc.

He sounds like a pretty shit partner.

RedHelenB · 01/10/2018 07:17

Sounds to me as though he's lying cos you're the jealous type? So what if he s had a lift home with her and others in the car? So what if he's told her she reminds him if a celeb?
Stop looking at his phone you either trust him or you don't. If you don't relationship over ime.

Original poster

Saywhat31 · 01/10/2018 07:17

Thankyou for the replies. When I say about trusting him, I went snooping as I wanted to see if she had messaged him without me knowing after we had all been speaking about her last night. Thought he might of forgotten to tell me if she had. Really dont know as I feel like I'm over reacting but it just hurts.

OP posts:

Havaina · 01/10/2018 07:19

I think you're right to be suspicious.

He can't take to her yet she keeps sends texts and she reminds him of his top crush? She waits 4-5 hours to give him a lift?

How did he know you were suspicious about her? It sounds like his reason that he wanted to catch you snooping is designed to make you look unreasonable.

sparklepops123 · 01/10/2018 07:20

Yh it does sound odd him saying he was checking if you'd snoop,what difference would deleting them make

flumpybear · 01/10/2018 07:22

I think he's leading you up a garden oath about not liking her ... gaslighting springs to mind

MemoryOfSleep · 01/10/2018 07:22

Go with your gut. Don't let him gaslight you. Check if you were snooping, yeah right.

tlmummy · 01/10/2018 07:25

The whole deleting the messages to see if you snooped is a ridiculous lie. Don't believe him. It's such an obvious get out and way too convenient. Alarm bells would be ringing for me op. It's likely nothing has actually happened but he's obviously got a crush on her and should be honest with you about this

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 01/10/2018 07:27

"I trust him but I find it hard to trust other women due to issues in the past."

You realise him cheating is his fault. If he wasn't inclined to cheat then other women wouldn't be any problem at all. They could throw themselves naked onto him and he would politely decline.

If a woman at work has you suspicious then it is HIM you have a problem with, not her.

IABURQO · 01/10/2018 07:29

It doesn't like a nice situation. If you think he's cheating then he probably is. Otherwise sit down and talk to him about how you feel and why. A response at 4.30am may not be reasonable; see if he can be reasonable at 8am/7pm (or whatever time of day you two usually sit and talk). If he's reassuring, thoughtful and talks honestly about the relationship then it's fine. If not, you have bigger issues than an affair anyway. Good luck

Original poster

Saywhat31 · 01/10/2018 07:29

Thankyou for all your responses! What does gaslighting mean? Sorry! Thats exactly what it is. I hand on my heart think nothing has happened between them, but theres still something there that I can't put my finger on. He said she now works after 6pm due to staffing issues.
Really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me everybody.

OP posts:

MsHopey · 01/10/2018 07:37

He lying about something.
My DH has never done anything to hurt me but I'm a bit insecure and jealous (that's completely on me and it's more because I have high anxiety and low self esteem) he knows what I am like and would never delete messages, talk about fancying someone at work (that is basically what he's done with the celebrity crush comment), and generally makes my life easier with my insecurities and not harder.
Like others said, he should be working with you to put your mind at ease, not working against you to make you feel paranoid and in the wrong.
DH has given people lifts home (females and alone) and tells me immediately as he's got home, He's had girls message him (Not flirty) and tells me straight away, and he would never delete them.
And if I did choose to snoop through his phone, he wouldn't make me feel guilty about it, the only people that try that trick are people who are guilty of something themselves.
Something wouldn't seem right to me either.

Original poster

Saywhat31 · 01/10/2018 07:49

Sorry it wasn't meant in that way about trusting him more than women, not at all actually.
What I meant to say was I dont trust other women from what they have done or said to me in the past. I have been bullied by them, also had comments about how I am punching when it comes to my DH, which is partly true if an outsider saw us together. Sorry.

OP posts:

Juells · 01/10/2018 07:54

my husband told me that she finishes work at 6pm every night and he doesn't finish until 10-11pm.

You really do have a problem. I'm sorry :(

Woke him up to ask him why he had deleted them, he said to see if I would go snooping which I had done so I played into his hands.

Bullshit. He had to think very fast to come up with an explanation.

Juells · 01/10/2018 07:58

How do you know he doesn't finish until 10pm?

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2018 08:00

Op, if you're new, you should be aware, on mumsnet he's always cheating.

Anyway, he may quite fancy her. So? What's the big deal.

I very much doubt he's cheating from what you've posted. And him deleting the messages shows you snooped twice, once to see them, then second to see they were deleted, I'm guessing there was nothing incriminating in them?

MemoryOfSleep · 01/10/2018 08:23

Gaslighting:

manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

MrsStrowman · 01/10/2018 09:00

You say he had a colleague stay over when you were dating early on, that doesn't constitute cheating. Did he actually cheat on you? Also I'm in the minority on MN in that I don't think that because one partner is insecure and jealous the other needs to change their life, have no friends of the opposite sex, and give free access to all social media accounts, lives, iPhone tracking etc. The common view on here is that it's fine for women to want all those things as it's up to their partner to 'reassure' them, but if a man wanted to check your phone, know every time Jim from the office texts etc he'd be controlling and you should LTB. In my view you either trust your partner or you don't. Maybe your DP didn't like her at first but had to make the effort as they're colleagues and had found out she's not that bad, he's giving her lifts with other people that's hardly suspicious, and he compared her to a random celebrity, this is not grounds to snoop through his phone twice and assume he's having an affair. He may well be lying because he knows how you react to things like this, and by doing so is actually making the situation worse. Ultimately you need to take a step back and think do I trust him? If not why are you with him. If you do back off. If someone is going to cheat, they'll cheat regardless of how much you snoop and fret about it. At the moment you're affecting yourself and now you're your relationship too.

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2018 09:05

He's shifty. He's deleted those messages for a reason. I don't know how you can trust him.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/10/2018 09:16

How is she giving him a lift home if she finishes at 6 but he finishes at 10? What's she doing for 4 hours?

At best it sounds like they have a crush on each other.

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