AIBU DH and Colleague

[Saywhat31]

Been up since 4.30am Thanks to my brain working overtime over this so need some perspective if I can please.
DH started a new job in June and there is one woman he works with that I feel really uneasy about. Not long after he had been there she would message him really random messages at random times, nothing unusual there but DH always said he couldnt take to her as she really annoyed him (they are complete opposites) so wouldn't reply on most occasions.

Last night whilst we were talking with friends they dropped into conversation how my husband had told this woman that she looked and reminded him of a certain famous face..... again maybe no biggie, But the famous face is one of his top crushes. They said she must still be thinking of his comment as She brought it up again in work yesterday. DH also told me in the past that she wasn't his type at all. They also said that this woman has dropped him off at home before now (with other people in the car) but my husband told me that she finishes work at 6pm every night and he doesn't finish until 10-11pm. What I cant understand is, surely if you say you disliked somebody, you would distance yourself from that person? Or is that just me?

I know I was so wrong in doing it but I checked his phone last night and his old messages from her were on there, checked again this morning and they have been deleted. Woke him up to ask him why he had deleted them, he said to see if I would go snooping which I had done so I played into his hands. It was wrong of me I know but I cant shake this feeling.

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy about it or am I over reacting? I trust him but I find it hard to trust other women due to issues in the past. So sorry to ramble on, needed to get it all down!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that he knows you don't like this woman and have a few insecurities so therefore is trying to tell you what he thinks you want to hear but in doing so is tangling himself in knots and actually making you more suspicious.

She is his colleague actively avoiding someone in the workplace makes for a horrible atmosphere as for the lift home again its a lift, the shift pattern thing may probably be down to telling you things to keep you happy.

It's pretty foolish but I've seen it many a time with friends who have jealous gf and didn't like their female friends (aka me) for no real reason other than I did the same outdoor sport and had been friends for 5+ years and it made them insecure to have a female about! I was referred to by Mt friends to their gf by a nickname/the guys/blokes names etc all so they could avoid an earful. Nothing ever went on with my friends there was no history etc. I didn't necessarily agree with it and would tell my friends this but it kept the peace and I still did what I loved with my friends which was the sport and I didn't see why I should lose good friendships because of insecure gfs (some of which are now wives and some have since apologised for being pretty horrific to me for no reason).

How does she come up in your conversations? Does he mention work and you ask about her specifically? If so it maybe similar situations of trying to keep the peace but it going wrong.

also had comments about how I am punching

This is an awful statement OP. I felt very sad for you when you wrote that. Your self esteem is very low. Could this be feeding into what you are feeling?

I always say listen to your gut. You've got play it cool though. If you want to snoop you've got to do it properly 😂 screenshots and evidence. Until then you can't mention anything.

But for me, the more important issue is your confidence. You sound really knocked back. Understandable given the stuff you've been hearing and what he did in the past. It's such a horrible gut wrenching feeling, I know. I've been there.

Perhaps keep an eye when you can but in the meantime see if you can work on your self esteem.

FYI, 'Roxie Hart' is the name of the murderous lead in the musical Chicago!

Umm. Wrong thread! Sorry

If she was someone he really wasn't keen on, then why did he give her his phone number in the first place?

I've been at work for over a year. I have 1 colleague's phone number and that was only because it was for a specific 1 off reason.

Firstly why did he tell you she wasn't his type? I hate this statement from a DP, t's like a faux reassuring thing. It means absolutely nothing, it's like a get out of jail free card "I couldn't possibly fancy her she's not my type"when really of course they could. It's really irrelevant and I always think when someone tells their partner she's not my type it's dodgy, it suggests if she was his type you'd have something to worry about!

Secondly why would he try to catch you out snooping? That seems like total BS to me, a way of turning this all on you as the paranoid DP again it's a nice get out of jail free card.

If my DP snooped on my messages, I wouldn't try to catch him out. I would be cross but I'd also think why he felt the need to do that, and if a friendship I had with someone was making him uncomfortable I probably would let him read any messages if he wanted, because I would want to reassure him and tone back the friendship especially if it was a work colleague.

I'm not sure if he is actually cheating but it sounds like he has a crush to me, she is flattered by it. There might be some flirting type thing.