To get a dog

[SaltAndPeppaPig]

My partner and I have wanted to get a dog since forever, our daughter is now almost 3 and we think now is the right time - she is obsessed with dogs and cats, any animal really. So we want a pet even more these days.

My AIBU is, my partner also has a 5 year old daughter (from a previous relationship, she stays with us every-other-weekend) who is irrationally scared of most animals, dogs included. Her mother hates dogs and so is not very supportive in trying to help her daughter to overcome her fears.

We intend to get a puppy in the near future, but how do we go about this? My partner has suggested we take his 5 year old for about 2 weeks to stay at ours when we first get the puppy - to get her used to it and be involved and hopefully quell any worries she may have.

I'm worried because I don't want to stress her out, but at the same time I know she's curious and WANTS to like animals, she's just not used to having that type of interaction with them - so she automatically freaks out. And at the same time I don't want to deny our 3 year old a family pet which she'd adore!

What would you do in this situation?? Thanks for any advice you can give me

Do you really think her mum will agree to you having her for 2 weeks to get her used to the dog?! I think that’s a ridiculous idea.

I think I would try help her with interaction slowly before getting a puppy.. could you borrow a friends dog for the weekend ? Or meet up with someone with a dog to join them on a walk?

if she only stay every other weekend i dont think it would be a good idea for her to not see her mum for 2 weeks to get use to a dog? but then again i hate dogs so 🤷‍♀️... cant see her mum agreeing.

I would try borrowing a dog for when she is there. Over a few months to get her comfortable with it. Talk to her about it and her Mum. You don't want her to associate her dad's as a place she feels uncomfortable or scared. At the end of the day she is far more important than a dof and I say that as a huge dog lover and stepmum.

If you don't have any friends or family with a dog, you can always sign up to "Borrow My doggy" where you can walk people's dogs, might be a better idea as then you could pick an older calmer dog to introduce her to.

I think it will be good for the 5-y.o. in the long run to get used to dogs, and a puppy is a great way to introduce dogs in as non-threatening a way as possible.

The two-week stay, if her mother agreed to it, might work, but I don't see that it's strictly necessary. As long as she's there frequently enough during the early puppy stages and has plenty of time to see that the puppy isn't frightening and to grow to care for it bonding time that should be sufficient.

I'd also factor in what the child thinks/says. Would she want to stay for two weeks or not? She might benefit from some time away from the puppy, if she's initially finding it stressful-- and if it would throw the rest of her routine too much out of whack, the two-week stay might not help put her in a calm frame of mind for adapting to the puppy.

So your going to get a puppy with the knowledge that your partners older DD has a fear of dogs. Really? If I was her mum I wouldn’t be letting her back if your view is your going to flood her fear by keeping her in your house when you get the puppy for two weeks. Flooding doesn’t work well with DC. It doesn’t sound like her mum would agree anyway so I think if you go ahead it withs the knowledge that the 5yr old will likely no longer be staying over ...irrational fear or not it’s a fear nonetheless ...

Anyway in answer to your question getting a puppy with a 5yr old who is fearful is a discussion between you, your DP and the DC mum. If she is happy with the idea of her DD being around your puppy and you can work out a plan then fine. You won’t be able to to do anything without discussing with her. I am a dog owner and there is an increase of DC fearful of dogs and it usually is down to a panicky parent. However I keep my dog away from clearly scared DC.

Her mother is fine with her staying for 2 weeks if and when we get a puppy.

We weren't considering actually potentially doing it until spring next year, so we're wanting to prepare things well in advance of that.

For context, she often looks at puppies for sale with me online, and coos over them, she talks a lot about what we'll do with the puppy (like what food we'll feed it, toys we can get, what bed we'll get for it, how we can play with it) - so she's interested and asks about it. We didnt want things to be a baptism of fire with her, which is why we thought her spending consistent time with us and the new dog would reassure her and make her feel more comfortable.

The fact that her mother is on board and that the girl herself is interested in the idea of a puppy all sounds very promising, I think!

If she's nervous about the actual first introductions, maybe she could just watch from what she'd perceive to be a safe distance, where an energetic puppy can't come bounding up to her unexpectedly. Watching her sister playing with the puppy might help calm her fears.

If you haven't already, I'd also spend some time explaining that a puppy can have a lot of energy, etc., so she knows what to expect, but emphasize that it's just a little "baby dog" and needs to be treated gently, etc., which might bolster her own view of her position (i.e. the puppy is the weak, vulnerable one; she's big and strong and can help protect it from being hurt). Giving her a sense of her own position of power and strength relative to the puppy could allay some of her fear.

Good luck, whenever you do decide to get a dog!

It sounds like a great idea to help the child before her fear becomes a serious problem.

Please don't buy a puppy though unless you're certain the breeder is legit - i.e. a registered breeder of a certain breed of dog. If you're set on a certain breed or want to show your dog in future, that's great. Even in that case please make sure you're not supporting a puppy mill. The parents should be health tested and have proper paperwork. If you're purchasing a "designer dog" like a "cockapoo" or other blended name, that is likely to be a poorly bred animal who may suffer serious health problems down the line.

If you want a family dog, rescues and shelters will have puppies and young dogs out the wazoo, particularly around springtime when you're looking to get your pet. They will assess for suitability around young children, which is the most important thing for you.

If knowing the dog's lineage is vital for you, a reputable breeder will be able to provide you with health testing results for several generations. :)

Your partners daughter is anxious of dogs so you want to get a dog and push her into being with it. That is not even funny. I am actually horrified you would do this to a child. If you were scared of spiders you wouldn't be happy for your partner to stick a tarantula in your face cause they wanted one.

Would it be an option for you to take her to an animal shelter? Depending on your area, many will have the animals in rooms or cages. Sometimes they can be taken out. This way your DSD could start by looking at them through a barrier and then could be introduced slowly.

What worries me here (trainer/behaviourist hat on, so this is my main job!)..

You say your 3 year old is obsessed with animals - unfortunately when you bring a puppy into the house the ideal situation is that your small child and the puppy spend v little time together that is not 100% supervised and that both are reinforced heavily for ignoring one another as much as possible.

Kids who are obsessed with dogs are what we call 'magnetised' to them, they want to approach, they want to touch, they want to grab and hug and stroke and poke and and and...

All things that are going to go badly with any dog but particularly a puppy who learns about the world by biting it, and everything in it - and you cannot STOP him doing that, he needs to do it to learn how to use his mouth, how not to use it, etc etc.

Adding a puppy now, is going to be like adding another child, so you have two, who cannot communicate the same language, cannot communiate fluently or effectively with YOU either, get frustrated because of this, will make mistakes/have accidents because of this (hitting, biting etc, both of them!).

And then on top of that the third party is a child who is only there part time and is currently scared of dogs and her other parent isn't supporting fixing that.

Unless you have the ability to be in three places at once, genuine eyes in the back of your head, and some serious training skills... I'd go with no, wait, another couple of years.

I would however, go to LOTS of animal based places, do lots of stories and talk about animals and how they need space and calm and respect and so on, with BOTH children.

In the run up to actually looking for a puppy, or older dog, I would locate good training classes near you (force free, positive reinforcement based, I strongly recommend the Puppy School franchises, they are VERY good) and ask if you can come along and sit in a corner and simply watch puppy classes, with BOTH children.

A good and sympathetic trainer should be happy (I would offer them some payment for their time of course) to help you get both kids used to dogs and the fearful one some way toward addressing her fears.

Then you could progress to going for walks with suitable friends dogs perhaps, so that they get used to dogs being around WITHOUT the intense pressure of it being their own puppy that they want to cuddle and play with alllllllllll the time.

Raising a puppy correctly is hard work, far harder than many people realise, if you want it to be enjoyable and fun for everyone, I would wait.

Well firstly puppies are not the ideal pet for a child scared of animals, puppies are manic and unpredictable and bite, hard and lots...

And also an animal obsessed 3 year old isn’t the best situation for a puppy (I was going to add more, but that’s been pretty well covered in the post above)

Quite honestly, you need to get them both used to dogs before you get a puppy if you want it to go well.

I think it's a good idea for a child who is uncomfortable around dogs (through lack of exposure - not a bad experience) to get used to them in some way. I can turn into a real fear which does stick with adults, and at such a young age children are very adaptable and accepting of new situations.

Puppies can be very ott, they chew everything (even hands!) and their wee teeth are like needles. . From my experience having a puppy is very stressful (or maybe that was just our dog 😂).

Do you have a local rescue centre? How about visiting some dogs with her and taking some out for walks? It might just give her enough exposure and experience to shake her fear and then you could think about introducing a puppy/dog when she is more confident with them.

I think growing up with a dog is a great thing for kids - teaches responsibility, respect for other creatures, and you get a great companion in them too!

YABU.
Dogs are loads and loads of work.

I'll never understand why families with very young children get a dog, unless its for therapy purposes.

Borrow a dog if you really are desperate for one.

You sound incredibly irresponsible. My 3 year old loves a lot of things. Reality of a crazy pup nipping around her. Bouncing on her will most probably make her anxious.

You and your partner want a puppy. That's all there is to it.

Puppies are NOT a good idea for getting over a fear of dogs. They jump up, scratch, nip, etc. Your three year old may also find the puppy to be too much.

Contact your local dog training clubs, some run courses for people who are scared of dogs. I suggest you start from there with your DSD and if all goes well introduce her to puppies at the puppy class.

The reality of a puppy. It is hard work. And when I say hard work I mean hard work. I was up during the night to take him out to use the loo at least three times. Even if it was raining. Yes u can use puppy pads but that seemed pointless to me. I wanted him to realise that he could only see outside.

The mess. Is a lot. Like a baby they are not house trained and there was a lot of cleaning up all day everyday.

It is constant looking after. I mean constant. 24 hours a day. He howled when I left him. So that was more training of doing that slowly everyday.

Nipping biting chewing. All day everyday. My son was 9. But even he was tired of being chewed on. And no matter what I did this continued for months. He stopped when he was ready and not when I wanted him to. He chewed so much. And even though u move stuff so he can’t get it. He found other things to chew.

My son complained at me that I loved the dog more as he was taking up all of my time.

Walking. Even in the snow. And dogs don’t just need a five mins jaunt round the block. They need a good few walks every day.

Your are restricted for the length of time I can leave them. So no full days out anymore.

No lie ins. Mine wouldn’t let me sleep past 6 am as he always needed the loo.
There is dog hair. Chewed up toys etc

Also no matter how old ur children are you should never ever ever ever leave them along together. Sounds easy. But it is not. Even if u need the loo you can’t just nip there quickly.

Training isn’t just for the classes either. I trained mine at home for at least an hour everyday. And if u have kids this is even more important. I used to take mine to the woods for distraction training as well. But I can’t do this properly and keep an eye on the children as well. I can’t stress how important training is.

Also be aware that I may get a puppy that has problems like mine did. That is hard work and a massive amount of stress.

There are loads of rewarding things about owing a dog. But even now I wouldn’t take it on again. Dogs are hard work.

My partner and I got a dog. One of his two (much older children) was not that keen.
When the puppy came home both teenage children were a bit freaked out by him. Puppies are pretty wild and need constant training - they jump up and scratch with their sharp nails and nip constantly with their needle teeth. If a child runs they will chase - like a game. You have to keep everything away from them - from hairbrushes to soft toys to mobile phones. They are cute when they’re sleeping but that’s about it. They need to be trained to do almost everything and that includes being companionable and socialised. I would have found a puppy very hard with young children - especially if they are afraid of dogs.
So I would seriously recommend that you do other things to get your DSD used to dogs - introducing a puppy could give her a negative image of what dogs are really like. Borrow my doggy was good for us to get our heads around the reality of having a dog.
If you’re still determined then I would definitely not do the two week full time to get used to it idea. I would take her to meet the puppy several times in it’s own environment (they are cute then because they really don’t do much). Then stick with the pattern that you have. As the puppy grows older she will get used to it and hopefully, as it calms down (and they do) begin to love it.
Of my DSDs, the one that wasn’t that keen on the idea of the dog is now the one that adores the dog (and vice versa). The DSD that really wanted a dog has found thatbit didn’t quite live up to her expectations!

As her Mum is on board I think it would be fine but before then it would be worth borrowing a very sensible, quiet dog for a couple of weekends to help her get used to it first.

It will be very good for her to overcome her fear of dogs now because, unlike the tarantula a PP mentioned, she will inevitable encounter dogs at parks, in the street, at her friends’ houses etc. It’s irresponsible and unfair to her not to help her overcome this fear, so I think you are doing the right thing.

Puppies are twats. They bite with razor sharp teeth. They jump up. The adolescent period is notorious for training being forgotten. Have a look over in the Doghouse at the Puppy Survival Thread to get an idea. If even dog loving adults frequently regret getting a puppy then a scared toddler is not going to enjoy it.

If you want to get a dog, I'd advocate a calm adult (min age 2) rescue dog.

It’s interesting in your first post OP you say the mother is not very supportive in wanting to help her DD conquer her fears a few non supportive posts and boom the DC mum is happy for her to stay for the two weeks! Looking at pictures of dogs is very different than having one in the same room as you. I have a fear of snakes and I can look at photos but I wouldn’t be running out the door if one was in the same room. A DC with a fear who wants to get over her fear would be to do so with a well trained dog. Not a puppy.... the puppy phase was very difficult in our house as the pup jumped and nipped at the DC legs and clothes and chewed their toys.

I would forget the two week idea. Do you know anyone with a friendly, calm, older dog that you could very slowly introduce DD to over a matter of a few months?