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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why I'm being inclusive when no one else is?

53 replies

Ningnang2000 · 30/09/2018 20:37

My dd2 is having a party. We're inviting all the girls in her class so no one feels left out. However just found out of at least 2 parties where my DD has not been invited. Why do i even bother?

Did a FB party invite as is the norm these days however one mother has blocked me so I can't add her. DD wants me to get the details to this mum as they are friends and play in school. I've tried to reconcile with the mother for the sake of the kids in the past via text and email and she completely ignores me. She is one of the ones having a party.

Am I being unreasonable not making an effort to get the details of the party to this mum? Last year this girl was invited to ours for a sleepover and the mum didn't even tell her. DD has told the girl she is invited and the mother has my number.

Ps I know people have small parties and that's fine but these were bigger parties which everyone then talks about in school.

OP posts:

Mumminmum · 30/09/2018 20:40

me too. We used to invite all girls from DD's class to her birthday party and she only once got invited to more than two parties a year. Once a girl invited almost the entire class and one of the children left out was my DD. I stopped talking to the mum after that.

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/09/2018 20:40

You are doing it for your child. Not for the parents.

Can you send a traditional invite in with your DD and tell her to put it inn friends bag. That way the kid knows and will ask the mum?

Gemini69 · 30/09/2018 20:41

I'm not sure how you're going to grab the attention of a woman who ignores your texts calls and emails without awkward confrontation...She has made it perfectly clear she does not want any contact with you.. personally I'd absolutely not try to engage with this woman.. and explain to your DD that sometimes people are not able to attend

Original poster

Ningnang2000 · 30/09/2018 21:20

The bitch in me wants to not bother so the mother knows how it feels but as I'm an actual human being with a heart that beats I would hate for any child to feel like that. Just wish others would have the same consideration for my child as I have for theirs.

OP posts:

Hillarious · 30/09/2018 21:49

If the mum has ignored invitations in previous years, the bitch in me would make me absolutely want to bother!

Courtney555 · 30/09/2018 21:54

Save your effort. The child's not coming. It's not fair on either child, but it's the mother's choice and she's got a bee in her bonnet about something.

Maudiejames · 30/09/2018 22:20

I feel the same too. My DD had all girl and a few boy parties in Reception and Year 1 but very few reciprocal invites back. Some of those girls have parties but have never invited DD. She likes those girls and plays with them... This year she had a much smaller party. Mainly due to the activity but I was also tired of putting effort and expense into organising all exclusive parties when other parents just don't seem to feel the need to reciprocate. I don't know if it's because I'm not terribly social with those parents although we have had some good chats. There seem to be some friendship groups that my DD isn't in... I'm also disabled which some parents seem to shy away from. Am dreading the next party as DD wants to invite all the girls again!

CoughLaughFart · 30/09/2018 22:24

My dd2 is having a party. We're inviting all the girls in her class so no one feels left out. However just found out of at least 2 parties where my DD has not been invited. Why do i even bother?

The choice to invite all and sundry is yours. No one is obliged to invite your daughter to anything.

SouthWestmom · 30/09/2018 22:37

All class parties don't work to include your child in the other kids' parties.

You invite all 30.
Little Jenny has five spaces - she invites four friends and your dd who she doesn't play with but feels obliged to.

sirfredfredgeorge · 30/09/2018 22:41

So boys don't feel left out?

You're being completely unreasonable about it all, invite who you want, others will invite who they want, hand an invite to the girl, all the facebook and bitch is just you not liking the mother for whatever reason I don't understand.

hanbanbea · 30/09/2018 22:43

Only just started on this stuff as son as just gone from reception to yr 1 but I've noticed from school and nursery that folk tend to make an effort with kids parties when the adults are friendly.

Kids are pretty resilient. One year we did an invite all to our sons birthday but only a handful came. It was enough for him to have fun, he loved it and had good memories, so we were happy.

I've made loads of effort with different parents to help this along, play dates and other things that come up. Same as with adults I expect, folk make the effort when you do but don't worry about those who don't want to. Leave them to their business.

BackforGood · 30/09/2018 22:50

You are looking at this in a very odd way.

Some people have smaller parties. Some people have more people from outside school to invite. Some people don't exclude boys.

Not sure why you think your way of organising your dd's party is in some way "more inclusive" than other peoples choices.

OatsBeansBarley · 30/09/2018 22:56

Well it is more inclusive as it includes more of the class.

Op it's a nice thing to do so we did it for a while. I wouldn't let unfriendly people change what you want to do. Of course it may be time to rein in the numbers because you want to and noone could blame you for it!

Maelstrop · 30/09/2018 22:59

But the mum will ignore even a formal paper invitation, you know she will, so why bother? I’m afraid I’d be a bitch, your dd wasn’t invited t9 2 parties, so leave those 2 off the list. They will ignore you anyway.

God, the angst over this is crazy! So glad I don’t have primary kids!

manicinsomniac · 30/09/2018 23:00

Not sure why you think your way of organising your dd's party is in some way "more inclusive" than other peoples choices

Huh? Because it includes more children?

Could the mum be embarrassed because she isn't inviting your child so is trying to avoid you giving her child an invite she knows she won't be reciprocating?

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2018 23:02

Not everyone can afford a big party. Not everyone wants a big party. If your daughter is the only one not invited, that’s not kind but there’s nothing wrong with just inviting a selection of classmates.

I sense there’s more here. Why do you think you got blocked on Facebook?

Spanglylycra · 30/09/2018 23:06

Starting to see this at our school and people breaking off into smaller groups which is fine, however a couple of times my DD hasn't been invited when all her besties have. She has been really upset by this and I try to play it down but yes it does rile me when I've had them all over for countless play dates etc. At the end of the day they are kids it's not their fault they have miserable parents.

Blameanamechange · 30/09/2018 23:08

Ive never understood why parents invite a whole class. You cant expect others to invite yours back. Sometimes its budget sometimes its kids falling out with their friends. Yr dd will get over unless you make a fuss of it. Dont forget though if you decide to send a paper invite to the one you get hold of that parents dont always see them pushed to the bottom of a school bag or dropped in a puddle...

OatsBeansBarley · 30/09/2018 23:17

Personallly I did it for the kids and because I had the money to do so. Didn't expect invites in return because I know not everyone can afford it and sometimes life can be too much and you can't organise anything. Been there too.

sayhelloandwavegoodbye · 30/09/2018 23:24

"My dd2 is having a party. We're inviting all the girls in her class so no one feels left out. However just found out of at least 2 parties where my DD has not been invited. Why do i even bother?2

Yes why do you bother? Clearly not out of generosity but out of some kind of expectation.

So stop.

sayhelloandwavegoodbye · 30/09/2018 23:26

And I agree on "all the girls" comments. 50% of my DD2's friends are boys so it would be really odd and exclusive if I didn't invite her friends but invited random children because they were girls.

HurricaneFloss · 30/09/2018 23:26

DD never had whole class parties. She didn't like everyone in her class but was stuck with them for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. Her birthday was for inviting a few that she liked and wanted to celebrate with outside of school.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/09/2018 23:27

Why did she block you?is there a large back story, resulting in the reason your dd is not invited?

sayhelloandwavegoodbye · 30/09/2018 23:28

"Did a FB party invite as is the norm these days however one mother has blocked me so I can't add her. DD wants me to get the details to this mum as they are friends and play in school. I've tried to reconcile with the mother for the sake of the kids in the past via text and email and she completely ignores me. She is one of the ones having a party. "

Do I smell a back story here?

BackforGood · 30/09/2018 23:32

.....but OP is excluding everyone who happens to be a boy - that isn't inclusive in my book.

I've always let my dc choose their friends, for their parties.

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