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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why I'm being inclusive when no one else is?

53 replies

Ningnang2000 · 30/09/2018 20:37

My dd2 is having a party. We're inviting all the girls in her class so no one feels left out. However just found out of at least 2 parties where my DD has not been invited. Why do i even bother?

Did a FB party invite as is the norm these days however one mother has blocked me so I can't add her. DD wants me to get the details to this mum as they are friends and play in school. I've tried to reconcile with the mother for the sake of the kids in the past via text and email and she completely ignores me. She is one of the ones having a party.

Am I being unreasonable not making an effort to get the details of the party to this mum? Last year this girl was invited to ours for a sleepover and the mum didn't even tell her. DD has told the girl she is invited and the mother has my number.

Ps I know people have small parties and that's fine but these were bigger parties which everyone then talks about in school.

OP posts:

shearwater · 30/09/2018 23:34

Yeah, quite. Would love to hear the other parent's side of the tale.

OatsBeansBarley · 30/09/2018 23:36

One of mine says the first couple of years in primary you think everyone is your friend..then you realise they are not!

Dancergirl · 30/09/2018 23:55

OP you're being incredibly childish and petty about all this.

Is your dd happy to invite all the girls in the class?
Will she have a lovely birthday and party?

Then that's all you need to worry about. Stop poking round in other people's parties and stop the tit for tat.

Original poster

Ningnang2000 · 30/09/2018 23:57

I totally get that some people have small parties, as I said on my original post, and yes there is history with this mum.

My original point is that I stress over not hurting children's feelings but my kid gets her feelings hurt. It's frustrating and I'm questioning if I should stop giving a shit. Life isn't inclusive really is it? Are we creating a false sense of social order by trying to include everyone? Or is it nice to be nice and I should rise above it? Kill them with kindness?

There are certain girls she would not bother with or expect too get an invite to a smaller party from. Unfortunately this girl with the mother is someone she gets on with really well and would class as part of her circle of friends.

We had a disagreement about something to do with the girls. We were civil after but I decided that I didn't like the way she conducted herself so was very cautious around her. Then she started being weird and ignoring me in playground and reposting old pictures of the circle of friends (including my dd) mentioned above tagging all the other mums but not me saying "look how cute they look". Then she blocked me on facebook and has never invited dd to a party again.

With regards to excluding the boys, I see your point, but that's just the way that class is. They don't mix with the girls at all. I don't know why.

It's meant my DD has learned harsh lessons about friendship and being left out earlier than I thought she would. It's been tough emotional rollercoaster for her. We had a chat about social media yesterday and how we're not sure if she'll be allowed on it because it presents a false reality and people can become jealous of that. She said she used to get upset at her friends talking about stuff she wasn't included in but now she's ok with it. She said if she wasn't wanted there then why would she want to be there? She's only blooming 9! I really hope she holds on to that wisdom throughout her life.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 01/10/2018 00:05

Good grief, I assumed she was in Yr1.
It is very unusual to continue having oversized parties when the dc are 9.
Part of your job as a parent is to help her understand that of course she wont be invited to everything or picked for everything, and it is fine for oto celebrate their birthdays in different ways. The whole language of 'excluded' is just not appropriate for her not happening to be invited to some parties.

obligations · 01/10/2018 00:05

OP: My original point is that I stress over not hurting children's feelings but my kid gets her feelings hurt. It's frustrating and I'm questioning if I should stop giving a shit. Life isn't inclusive really is it? Are we creating a false sense of social order by trying to include everyone? Or is it nice to be nice and I should rise above it? Kill them with kindness?

This is your problem - you're mistaking inviting all the girls with being nice. It isn't really a virtue to invite all the girls, just your approach. It's good your dd has learned not to get upset when she isn't involved in everything, and maybe you shouldn't be upset on her part. Stop being so overly invested and involved, it really shouldn't be this big a deal.

inquiquotiokixul · 01/10/2018 05:10

You don't need the mum's contact details in order to invite the child. Your DD simply hands over a paper invitation. Whether or not the mum allows her child to accept is a separate matter, but at least the child knows they were invited and doesn't feel left out.

There us no expectation that party invitations should be reciprocal. The reciprocal act for any party is to bring a gift and card.

SpareASquare · 01/10/2018 05:22

I would never expect my dd to be invited to every single birthday party and I don't use hers to try and buy her some popularity. Weird.

Whereismumhiding2 · 01/10/2018 05:31

Your DD is9, Year5?! Goodness, you've not stepped back and thought this through, age 9 is Year5!!

It's unusual to not let child select which friends to invite to their parties by this age.

"All class" parties really are for YrR and Yr1. There's usually friends outside school from clubs/hobbies to invite as well by Yr5.

I think it's important to let your growing preteen child express her likes and dislikes, including who she wants at her party. Otherwise you're teaching her to over ride her view point and wishes Not a great message, especially for a girl.

SilverLining10 · 01/10/2018 05:35

Shes 9?? You are way too involved here. Surely whole class parties shouldnt be done by now.

Travelledtheworld · 01/10/2018 05:38

Good grief. Time to get a grip on this party thing.
Stop making such a drama out of it.
Let your daughter chose half a dozen friends and take them out to do something nice and fun, ending up with a pizza.
No need for massive whole class parties. Otherwhile how will you cope when your daughter is 14 and you get gate crashes, drink and drugs ?

Jasmineforever · 01/10/2018 05:43

Gate crashers? Drink and drugs at 14? Wow! I wouldn't have thought that was typical! Maybe I'm naive, we must have been lucky with our oldest 2!

blueskiesandforests · 01/10/2018 05:46

Being inclusive isn't issuing a large number of invites, its inviting everyone and making sure you don't put barriers in anyone's way.

Inviting all the girls except the one whose mother has blocked you on face book is less inclusive than just inviting 3 close friends. That one girl is being pointedly excluded if you invite every girl except her.

Inviting a class with one wheelchair user to a non accessible venue and including the wheelchair user isn't inclusive, its lip service. Inviting over facebook when one won't get the invitation is a milder version of excluding in the same way.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 01/10/2018 06:09

I am afraid that this is where I deviate from MN law. Inviting all the girls works fine if there are 15 girls, you want to invite 15 children, they all get on well together and they are only friends with girls. Real life isn't always like that. There are the times when there aren't many of your child's sex in the class, you can't exclude 4 or 5 because you would only be left with a handful. Your child plays with the other sex and looks at you as if you have grown three extra heads when you say, maybe we should invite x and y because they are girls when your child hasn't spoken to x or y since you forced them to thank them for the present at their party last year. They a want to invite a, b and c who are boys whom they play with all the time. Admittedly b and c never invite your child back because their parents are good MNetters only ever invite children of the same sex.

I break all the rules. I tell them they can have 10 children at thair party. They decide three weeks before. They invite their friends regardless of what my view is of their parents etc. They all have a fun time. I don't worry too much if they are not invited back because I explain that maybe they were only allowed 6 friends and they would have been 7th. I see their party as a standalone event that I do for the benefit of my child because my child enjoys having their friends around for their birthday. Yes it is lovely if they are invited back but sometimes their own party has been one of the only parties they have been to. Once I did ask if they wanted to scale it back to exclude those who excluded her , but again I grew some extra heads and she said that she wanted those people to be at her party.

View it as who does your dd want at her party, send some paper invites out too if the mother is ignoring you so the child feels included but at yr4/5 unfortunately they do need to begin to build some resistance. Try building bridges for next year with the other parents in her friendship group. I wouldn't choose them all to be my friends but I get on with them all for the sake of my children. A smile and hello in the playground even when it isn't reciprocated, an offer of help with something important to them. You just need to be civil for your dd's sake.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2018 06:16

DS2 is having his first school party in 13 days time. We went through his class list and he said "yes" to inviting all bar 2 of them. I said this wasn't happening and either we cut it down to only half the class (10 kids) or invited the last 2 as well. So he decided to invite them all. PLUS another 8 children from outside of school!

However, I'm having it at the local park (Australia, lots of people do this) so it won't matter who turns up and who doesn't, quite honestly. Apart from ensuring I have enough food, and do simple party bags (sweets and a balloon, nothing more) then it doesn't matter. My biggest problem is that people will bring presents and I couldn't find a polite way to ask them not to, or to only bring tiny ones.

This is the only time he'll get to do this, the next party will be more "exclusive" in that he'll only be inviting his actual friends, not everyone.

Anyway - I've done this before for DS1 and he maybe went to 2 or 3 parties that year. Didn't bother me - I know a lot of the girls were already doing "girl only" parties, and I know a lot of the others weren't doing parties at all. I don't do parties for the boys to be invited to others' parties (although if they do get invited, then those children are top of the list to be invited back!) - I do it so they get to have a good time with their friends. DS2 has only been to 3 parties this year himself (our school year runs from Jan to Dec) but so what? Again, the party is about him and who he wants to invite, not whose party he'll get to go to as a result. (Actually, I prefer not to be invited to too many - saves having to buy heaps of presents! )

AjasLipstick · 01/10/2018 06:20

I disagree that it's unusual to have "all the girls" type parties at 9! Our school certainly did a couple of years ago!

9 is 9! It's bloody smallish still. We're not talking about teenagers here.

One girl in DD's class, a particularly popular girl...think blonde, tall, clever and sporty...she has a whole class party every year. They're ten now but it's not stopped.

cranberryx · 01/10/2018 06:26

Your issue isn't about inviting all of the girls though, is it?

It's about your Dd's friend not being able to attend because her mother is embroiled in Facebook sniping and ignoring you.

I would hand over a paper invite. Ask your dd to give it to the girl directly. Then it's out of your hands, and her mother will have to explain why she doesn't want her child to attend.

Maybe she'll grow up and let her dd come to the party. Maybe not.

EK36 · 01/10/2018 06:33

I've never invited the entire class of thirty kids because of the cost and lack of support. As in I don't have support from others to help me watch over them.

DieAntword · 01/10/2018 06:33

I never got invited to parties in primary school. Like 3 or 4 total whole time through school. I had long periods of having no friends, was sad most of the time at break and lunch time (I didn’t understand why they forced us out into the playground when all I wanted to do was stay in and read).

And now I’m an adult and being an adult is awesome.

Basically what I’m saying is, it feels like a really big deal when your kids are little, but it’s not. Your kid is doing a lot better than me socially already and it all worked out in the end.

Personally I’d have my kids invite only those kids they personally want to invite whether that’s everyone or not, in the end this is their learning experience about playground politics not yours.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 01/10/2018 12:12

And now I’m an adult and being an adult is awesome.

This so much, as an adult you have much more control and agency. I hate it when people tell my dc that their school days are the best days of their lives. One of mine in particular has always been made to be an adult. Fortunately she is developing a Teflon skin as well which will make her an even stronger adult. Even secondary school is better than primary, a larger pool and parents are less involved in playground politics.

thecatsthecats · 01/10/2018 12:26

9 is a perfectly good age to have a chat about what she wants to do, who she'd like there, what other people who aren't included might feel, and she can certainly hand out an invite to the girl herself.

When I was little it was always me, my sister, and the one friend who'd fit in the car to go and do whatever it was I'd asked to do! Or a party for a half dozen in my parents house.

It's vastly simpler if you let the kids lead on who their friends are. I honestly think that adults overcomplicate things for children 9 times out of 10, or enhance feelings of hurt.

abacucat · 01/10/2018 12:28

Kids learn social skills, and part of that is about learning how they don't get invited to everything. And also how not all adults play fair. Talk to your DD and explain that she is not invited because her friends mother does not like you. It is nothing to do with her. And let her choose who to invite. Should not be your decision whether to invite this girl, but hers.

Dancergirl · 01/10/2018 14:15

OP, I'm sorry your dd is upset but your attitude is not doing her any favours.

There will be many occasions where your dd is not invited to parties or social events later on in childhood and teen years. Are you going to make such a fuss each time? It's hurtful for them and hard for us to see them upset but you have to help them deal with it and move on.

It's nice that you want to be inclusive and invite all the girls but if you do this, do it with no strings attached and no expectations. People can and do do what they like, no matter what you choose to do.

FullOfJellyBeans · 01/10/2018 15:05

I think you should continue being the bigger person. If only to model good behaviour to DD.

It's fine to have a smaller party but I would never just leave out a few (I guess except in the case of extreme bullying etc.).

PiperPublickOccurrences · 01/10/2018 15:10

"All the girls in the class" parties at age 9. Just wow.

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