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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go out tonight?

46 replies

harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 17:29

My husband doesn't like me to go out. He worries that something may happen to me. He suffers from anxiety and depression and I suppose therefore he has a mental illness.

I am supposed to be going out later with a couple of friends- probably the first time in 6 months or so. I have given him plenty of warning.

He has just told me he is not feeling well and gone for a lie down - I suspect he is hoping I will cancel so he doesn't have to look after the children and also so he feels comfortable that I am at home.

Half of me thinks this is very selfish, but half of me thinks he has a mental illness and therefore can't help it?

Feel a bit torn. AIBU to go out?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/09/2018 17:31

No you should go out OP. Is he having any help with his anxiety.

Cuntycrunch · 30/09/2018 17:31

Definitely go out if he needs you he can ring you.

Aprilislonggone · 30/09/2018 17:34

Go out op. He is physically safe and it's up to him to seek help. You are not his carer and are allowed a life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2018 17:41

You have to go out! You need a life of your own and time with friends and out of the house is so important.

You’re not just a wife and mother. You’re a person who deserves happiness and fun.

He may have anxiety but he’s being manipulative to take to his bed to get you to do what he wants and miss out on something you’ve been looking forward to.

They’re his children and he’ll cope. If not then he needs to urgently seek support as it’s not fair on you or your DC.

chipsandgin · 30/09/2018 17:43

Sounds controlling. What help is he getting with his mental health. Also why would he avoid parenting his own children (presuming they are his?). Not right at all - you shouldn't normalise this..

Original poster
harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 17:44

GreatDuck - yes he has medication and done a course of CBT, but his levels of anxiety fluctuate depending on his state of mind - at the moment he is depressed so his anxiety is worse

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2018 17:47

That’s tough for him but you can’t put your life on hold. Mental health issues are awful for the person suffering but also take a massive toll on those close to them. You won’t make him better by giving up everything else.

Original poster
harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 17:47

Yes they are his children but he has always felt 'outside of his comfort zone' if left alone with the children - just thought it was to do with anxiety

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/09/2018 17:48

That's good that he's getting help but you deserve a life too. Is he jealous and possessive of you where other men are concerned and this is why he wants you at home or is it just general anxiety?

TeacupTattoo · 30/09/2018 17:48

It's HIS anxiety, not yours. I suffer from ptsd and agoraphobia yet don't control my husband having a life. At most I'll have a cry and ask for a cuddle once he's back (after being terrified of every noise whilst he's gone, having panic attacks and at times hallucinations). You are not his carer. Please don't let somebody control you, it can be very insidious and you not realise that you are being isolated on purpose.

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2018 17:51

You need to go out with your friends. He's controlling; its not acceptable even if he has mental health issues. Consider if you really want to stay with him acting like this.

Original poster
harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 17:52

He's not jealous in an obvious way, we trust each other implicitly. He always know where I am anyway (and I know where he is) as we have the find friends app - set up mainly for our oldest. He doesn't really see anyone though as he works from home and is not interested in going out - he's not at all sociable

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 30/09/2018 17:55

how old are the children he is not comfortable looking after?

XiCi · 30/09/2018 17:56

God this has made my blood boil!!
I've suffered from severe anxiety & panic attacks but would never use it to stop my partner living his life, which believe you me he is doing. Go out, switch your phone off and enjoy. Everyone will be fine. Or you could pander to him and spend your life stuck in the house with your histrionic partner

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 17:56

Go out. My DH also has anxiety. It is genuine anxiety he is not controlling. It's horrible for him but I've found that if you let it it will take over your life. You need to push back to maintain your own mental health.

TulipsInBloom1 · 30/09/2018 17:57

You need to go out.

Original poster
harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 18:00

children are 11 and 13 so not little - they can easily entertain themselves for a couple of hours and I have made sure they have their tea made so he doesn't have to do anything (which also causes anxiety)

OP posts:
greenlynx · 30/09/2018 18:01

I have anxiety and don’t feel comfortable to be at home on my own very late and at night. My husband regularly goes out with friends. I ask him to check beforehand that his mobile is charged and he tells me usually when he is planning to be back (very roughly).
You should go out. Of course, he is out of his comfort zone — he needs practice. He is overthinking, to be honest it’s much easier to stay at home at this situation than to think about it.

JKCR2017 · 30/09/2018 18:07

I can see how frustrating this is for you and I can also understand how your Oh is feeling as an anxiety sufferer myself.

I would go out though! Try and reassure him you will be fine. Maybe texting him a few times whilst your out may help?

Enigmam · 30/09/2018 18:12

You have to go out. Your children can manage themselves for a few hours, your husband will have to manage himself. Just out of interest, has this happened before? Will he make a miraculous recovery if you stay home?

HannahnotAgnes · 30/09/2018 18:14

Bloody hell - go out. I'm sorry he has MH issues but you deserve a life too & it's not like you do it all the time!

ApolloandDaphne · 30/09/2018 18:16

Of course you need to go out. Your DC are of an age where they can take care of their own needs if your DH decides to take to his bed. Don't let him guilt you into saying homie.

Original poster
harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 18:17

Oh yes Enigman - it happens all the time. Even if I am not going out socially he has major issues e.g sometimes I work in the evening and if I am not back when I say I am back - within 5 minutes he is phoning me asking when I will be home.

I went away overnight once to visit my brother and he was not happy at all, kept texting and phoning.

I know everyone is right by saying go out, but I just feel so guilty. I hate how it is when I get back - all quiet and acting like I've done a terrible thing.

OP posts:
llangennith · 30/09/2018 18:18

Of course you should go out.
Don't make his problem your problem.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2018 18:20

Whatever he’s doing to help himself, he needs more support, from professionals, as he’s trying to exert way way too much control over you and it’s taking a horrible toll on you. It’s also a really unhealthy dynamic for your children to see and live with.

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