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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go out tonight?

46 replies

harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 17:29

My husband doesn't like me to go out. He worries that something may happen to me. He suffers from anxiety and depression and I suppose therefore he has a mental illness.

I am supposed to be going out later with a couple of friends- probably the first time in 6 months or so. I have given him plenty of warning.

He has just told me he is not feeling well and gone for a lie down - I suspect he is hoping I will cancel so he doesn't have to look after the children and also so he feels comfortable that I am at home.

Half of me thinks this is very selfish, but half of me thinks he has a mental illness and therefore can't help it?

Feel a bit torn. AIBU to go out?

OP posts:

katmarie · 30/09/2018 18:21

Tbh my dh has anxiety and depression, and never behaves like this. He's usually happy for me to go out, and is perfectly fine when I get back. It's up to him to manage his mental health, and to understand that his behaviour has a negative impact on you. My dh would be horrified if his mental illness had a negative effect on my life any more than it absolutely had to.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/09/2018 18:25

One day your DC will be grown up and will leave home. Then it will just be you and your DH. If he never goes out and expects you to not go out then you have a miserable future ahead of you. You need to think about what you want from this relationship because it sounds like no life to me. You need to be free to socialise and have hobbies. I would go out and keep going out until he realises that he needs to sort his own reaction to this and not expect you to stay home.

TulipsInBloom1 · 30/09/2018 18:29

Does your dhs anxiety and mh affect any other part of his life other than you and his parenting ability?

Original poster

harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 18:40

Tulips - yes he can't have a 'normal' job. He can't cope with socialising or general chit chat which of course you would have if you had colleagues, so he works for himself at home. However with me he tells me his deepest thoughts and feelings, I know I am his world.

I suspect he may also be on the autistic spectrum - my youngest son is autistic. He's just said he has shooting pains in his feet so he can't walk.

I've told him to stay in bed then, but he's worrying if he needs to 'see' to one of the boys that he cannot walk- it's like living with a geriatric sometimes!

OP posts:

Jimmers · 30/09/2018 18:51

Pains in his feet doesn’t stop him keeping an eye on his own kids, particularly at their ages. Go out & have a lovely catch-up with your friends.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2018 19:00

Oh OP. Being someone’s whole world is a lot of responsibility It must be exhausting.

How long has he been like this? How would he cope if you got ill?

I wonder how it feels to hear from posters who have anxiety and depression who want their partners/spouses to live full lives which includes seeing friends and know managing how they feel is for them to manage.

SmallState · 30/09/2018 19:03

I hope you went out op. I'm probably going to get flamed for this but the mental health card is often played to justify shit controlling behaviour. Your husband sounds like he falls into this category.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/09/2018 19:06

Does he suffer from pains in his feet or is this likely to be made up or psychosomatic?

Original poster

harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 19:07

Anne - he tells me every day how much I mean to him - his rock his whole life. He says he’s nothing without me

Tells me he can’t live without me 😐

OP posts:

theworldistoosmall · 30/09/2018 19:07

Go out and have fun.
You are NOT responsible for him and his anxieties and MH. He is using these as a way to control and manipulate you and this is so, so wrong.

The only thing I would suggest to him is to go back to the MH and see if they are running STEPPS and he request he is put on the waiting list. The professionals and other people involved will soon kick this fuckery out of his head (although don't tell him that). I did the program last year, and it helped me. We also had someone like him in the group.

It was a wake-up call when other people with MH were telling him he was bang out of order, and lucky his missus didn't leave his arse. It's all done in a positive way, and we were basically taught how to respond to certain situations through the course material and discussing certain scenarios.

Original poster

harrietthehare · 30/09/2018 19:08

Just going out 😀

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 30/09/2018 19:11

Have fun! And don't keep answering your phone.

TulipsInBloom1 · 30/09/2018 19:12

Put your phone on silent.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 30/09/2018 19:13

Well done op. Have a lovely night!

TomHardyswife · 30/09/2018 19:13

Glad to hear you didn't back down.

Go and enjoy your night. And like a PP said, put your phone on silent.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2018 19:14

Good for you, have a brilliant night! You deserve it

I adore my husband and my life is so much better with him in it than without. But I’d survive without him and I know that as much as he loves me, he’d be okay without me too. Not happy, but he’d get up in the morning, feed the kids, keep going. There’s a difference between love and dependence.

Enigmam · 30/09/2018 19:17

Great! Enjoy your evening ☺️

Iloveacurry · 30/09/2018 19:18

Go and enjoy your evening. The kids are old enough to look after themselves and take themselves to bed.

TeacupTattoo · 30/09/2018 20:45

I amid glad you went out!!!
Please look at how he possibly guilt-trips you into behaving how he wants you to. Is it a co-dependent relationship? He can get tested for ASD as an adult, it's not hard. He seems to manage to get away with not doing the tiring responsible bits of parenting. Hope you have a good night, bet his pains disappear very soon!

IABURQO · 30/09/2018 20:56

Have fun! Well done! And make him get more help, his issues mustn't affect you to this extent.

RachaelGeller · 30/09/2018 21:17

So glad you went out. His ‘can’t’ to everything is not your problem. It sounds harsh, but coming from someone who has diagnosed clinical depression, you tip toeing around him and babying him and taking responsibility for HIS mental health and adjusting your life so both of your lives revolve around his mental state is not good for you and even worse for him. Enabling discourages recovery, him claiming he’s only surviving because of you is a huge red flag and I’d be expecting him to seek more help or considering walking away for my own sanity.

Please don’t let you going out tonight be a one off. His mental health is not in your control, however much he tries to paint that as the truth.

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