35 weeks and DP just announced 'no more children, ever'

[ShakenSally]

Sorry. Posted in relationships but not had much traffic so posting in AIBU.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and DH thought it a good time to announce that he doesn't want any more children after this one (I want more than one). He already has a 9 year old DD.

I'm torn. Trying to look forward to the birth of our baby but now feeling deeply saddened that if I want another I would have to leave DP in the future. I don't think he is going to change his mind.

He always said he wanted two more, he's now changed his mind and only wants this one. Fair enough, we are all allowed to change our minds, but how do I cope with this?

Really finding it hard to come to terms with and feel like it was a cruel/pointless time to tell me.

How would you deal with this internally? AIBU to even be giving this head space right now?

I would focus on the present. You are having a child soon so immerse yourself in that and enjoy it.
It was stupid timing on his part but I would let it go for now.
Having a child is such a change that I would not worry about future children at this stage.

I agree with chaz it's probably not an urgent thing to worry about - you're nowhere near thinking about having a second, so you've (both) time to work it out.

But I would challenge him on his timing - it does seem an odd time to raise this.

Most of me thinks he wouldn't do this, but a small part wonders 'did he ever want two, or did he only ever intend to have one and just didn't tell me until after I was pregnant...?'

Awful thought.

I think it’s more likely to be driven by mild panic at the imminent arrival of the new baby.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude he is very nervous. Excited too. I'm excited I'm just trying to push the thought of him not wanting another out of my mind.

I think he's probably nervous. Am also 35 weeks and would feel similarly upset if DP said the same. I would focus on the upcoming arrival and see how you both feel after that.

It’s good he is excited. Just enjoy there here and now

Take one thing at a time OP. Focus on the baby you’re about to have.

Yes, I agree with nerves getting the better of him. Leave all thought of having DC2 for now, and concentrate on DC1!

I wouldn't worry about it too much now. You may also find that your feelings change once your baby is here.

This is your first? You might not even want another. See how this one goes first.

I agree that you shouldn't worry now! I wanted three and then I had DS who had reflux and colic and immediately decided it would be just the one

I'd put it down to nerves, and your nerves that you think he's tricked you into having just one child.

feel like it was a cruel/pointless time to tell me

It was and he is a dick for doing that. Try to focus on the special time ahead though. If you want another he is as likely to change his mind as you are.

I hope you told him that you thought he was insensitive for doing this to you in late stages of pregnancy and actually you had always planned for 2 and it might be a deal breaker for youassuming these things are true) You have to give as good as you get.

He might also be scared and worried at this crucial time? men are weird, fact. Might it be he's feeling a bit freaked out and might change his mind again, I would enjoy this period for you and the baby.
Did he say why he'd changed his mind?

I'd let it go for now. He might be stressed / worried and change his mind again. I said a few times to DH that I was only having 1 when I was pregnant with DS and we are now ttc number 2 as I've had a total change of heart! Re-visit the issue when things have settled down with your new baby.

Did he know that you always wanted more than one DC?

I told my OH that I was only ever having one more as I had an older DS. I ended up with 3 more! We all say things but in truth we dont know how it will turn out. Enjoy your new baby when they arrive and not worry about the whats next......not yet anyway...you never know you may change your mind!

Im not sure why the last trimester is a worse time to mention this than, say, 6 months after the birth or a year down the line. If the OP decided this was her last pregnancy would it be terrible of her to tell her dh?

Either way OP I wouldnt worry about it just now. Have this baby then see if you want another one. And then talk to him.

24 hours after the birth of ds1 I announced I wanted 4 children (hormones). Dh looked horrified and said "we are never, ever doing that again" (ds1 was a tough labour).

We had ds2 2 years later. And that was it.

It’s up to both parents to decide if and how many children they want and both have the right to change their mind at any time.

I think anybody either Male or female would be well with in their rights to leave a partner who suggested they might leave them in the future to have more kids and that they didn’t love them enough to stay regardless of how many children they did or did not want.

You might decide yourself that you don't want another one once this child is born.

This is something that changes as people grow and circumstances develop.

I came from a large family and thought I'd want 3 or more kids. I had one and decided never again. And I stuck to that for 9 years then decided on one more. It's not something you need to focus on now.

I think anybody either Male or female would be well with in their rights to leave a partner who suggested they might leave them in the future to have more kids and that they didn’t love them enough to stay regardless of how many children they did or did not want.

Why does Male get a capital and female doesn't...

Dh was adamant after ds that he didn't want any more. It took us 6 years, but eventually he changed his mind. Dd is now almost 2 and he would agree that it was the best change of mind he's ever had. Having a baby is life changing, he knows that and is terrified right now. I agree you should focus on this baby for now and if you feel the same in a year or two, begin having a conversation with him again then. He might be more open to the idea after you've come through the first couple of years and your relationship is intact.

Congratulations by the way and good luck, please try not to let this overshadow what is a really happy and exciting thing for you both.

Hmmm, I agree with @Barbarianmum.

My DH said he never wanted to go through it again after labour of 1st DC; we have two so did it all again. Also said he's never get married (we did). People say things they mean at the time but do change their minds.

Of course they have the 'right' to change their mind Geraldine but their partner equally has the 'right' to change their mind about the relationship. Shared values and a shared approach to parenting are pretty essential to most relationships.
Barbarian it's a worse time to tell her than, for example, before she was pregnant and could make an informed choice about whether she only wanted one child with him or whether it was a deal breaker that would have meant she ended the relationship and had no children with him.
OP focus on your current pregnancy. Tell DH you'll discuss it later.

Yes it's a worse time to tell her than before she was pregnant but presumably he hadn't changed his mind then. People can and do change their minds about how many children they want. Often several times throughout their life.