35 weeks and DP just announced 'no more children, ever'

[ShakenSally]

Sorry. Posted in relationships but not had much traffic so posting in AIBU.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and DH thought it a good time to announce that he doesn't want any more children after this one (I want more than one). He already has a 9 year old DD.

I'm torn. Trying to look forward to the birth of our baby but now feeling deeply saddened that if I want another I would have to leave DP in the future. I don't think he is going to change his mind.

He always said he wanted two more, he's now changed his mind and only wants this one. Fair enough, we are all allowed to change our minds, but how do I cope with this?

Really finding it hard to come to terms with and feel like it was a cruel/pointless time to tell me.

How would you deal with this internally? AIBU to even be giving this head space right now?

I agree with other posters, I wouldn't frett over it too much at the moment, most men have a tendency to say stupid things at innopropriate times....my DP being one of Them! Also saying no more children ever :-/ at the time I was hurt as he already has a daughter from a prior relationship and I was pregnant, however since having our son he has started saying things like 'next time' and saving outgrown clothes for the future, try not to worry at the moment and congrats x

We took a very long time to conceive our daughter. Not helped by my husband flip flopping back and forwards between wanting children and not. We finally had her when we’d been married nearly 10 years. Anyway, throughout the pregnancy he said he’d probably like another after this one, then the baby arrived and he said he wanted to stick at one. His argument was that she was ‘so perfect’ we didn’t need another! Anyway, I quietly persisted in convincing him to try for another and in the summer he relented and we’re TTC. Hopefully yours will come around too.

Has something happened with his older daughter that has stressed him out?

@ledzepplintooasiseclectic yes and we had always agreed that we would have two.

I'm not disputing his right to change his mind @Geraldine170 and I'm not saying I'm going to leave him. I'm saying that the only way for me to have another child in the future, if he didn't change his mind would be for me to leave him. My other option of course is to accept that he doesn't want any more. If you would honestly stay with a man for the rest of your life even though you wanted different things and would sacrifice your longing for another child for them then that is admirable. I personally wouldn't want to end up resenting someone like that and would potentially consider leaving someone if I couldn't get my head round the idea of no more children, and they were not willing to change their mind. We have choice.

I think during pregnancy is just a poor time to mention it full stop. I'm emotionally unstable at the moment as I'm terrified about childbirth and haven't been particularly well throughout pregnancy (another reason why he may have changed his mind). He knows how much I have always wanted two and don't think it was a hugely appropriate time to bring it up.

I'm not angry with him, I'm just feeling fragile and would rather not be thinking about this being my one and only pregnancy as I've stopped enjoying it and am now overridden with anxiety...

@yumyumpoppycat I don't think so.

I've never met a girl more excited to be a sister. She's just carried on like normal but asks about the baby a lot. Unless there's something he's not told me.

It's a really crappy time to tell you OP, and it's a decision you should make together. A marriage isn't a dictatorship.

The thing I hate with this is he has two children, but isn't letting her have two. It's utterly selfish.

OP, how did his first marriage break up? Did he refuse a second child after his DD was born? Or did he start to become emotionally abusive to his first wife during her pregnancy? I’d be a bit concerned at him being such an inconsiderate shit as to turn round and tell you he’s changed his mind about more kids while you’re pregnant, emotional and vulnerable. This is a classic time for abuse to start. I hope I’m wrong, and that you can discuss things after the birth. Good luck.

Why does Male get a capital and female doesn't...

I don’t know. My phone capitalises Male for some reason but not female. No particular point being made.

Well what does he say when you discuss it with him?

Just thought there could be other subtle stuff going on with his daughter that is making him think that.

Geraldine but their partner equally has the 'right' to change their mind about the relationship. Shared values and a shared approach to parenting are pretty essential to most relationships.

I don’t know if the OP has told him that she’s considering leaving or not, but if she has told him before their first child is even born she is considering leaving to have another child with someone else later on he would have every right to end it now. It’s a pretty awful thing to do, to tell someone they are disposable for you.

It’s not really fair on the child either to bring it into a family that is only temporary and OP already knows will break up. Surely the OP should be prioritising the health and welfare of her existing child over a future child who may never come along?

This is a great example of Mumsnet hypocrisy, people in here would have an absolute fit if a man told his wife he was going to leave her unless she agreed to a child she didn’t want. So I’m not sure why the OPs DP is being so openly slated just for talking about his feelings on family planning with his partner.

Yes, he would have been more tactful to have left the discussion until a later and more appropriate time, but it sounds like both he and the OP have had a trying time recently and there may be an element of end of tether brining it out now.

I'm sure I read a pretty identical thread a couple of months ago where once the father had got their two children (ie the one from a previous relationship and the one with the current partner) they then decided they didn't want any more children, having initially said they wanted more than one.

Very convenient timing for them to change their mind when it's too late for the mother to change theirs about having kids with them.

Let's hope it's nerves etc as the pp say.

But I'd be seeing him in a different light, someone who is selfish, puts his own feelings above yours, even when you need him most.

The MN view is everyone's allowed to change their mind about the number of kids they have. But if someone does that knowing it will devastate their partner, then it says something about who they are.

@Geraldine170 I haven't decided I'm leaving him. I haven't told him I'm leaving him. I've stated that if he doesn't want more children and I decide that I do, then I would have to leave him and potentially have them with someone else. Fair enough, no? That's just fact.

It’s not really fair on the child either to bring it into a family that is only temporary and OP already knows will break up. - I'm 35 weeks pregnant. What do you suppose I do? Put the baby up for adoption for a permanent family set up? Or leave DH immediately on the off chance he won't change his mind just in case the baby gets used to having two parents in the house? I think you are being incredibly dramatic insinuating that I am putting the health of my baby at risk by having this discussion.

So based on your final sentence moonage you believe people should have more DC than they want if it would upset their partner? I agree it's not ideal but people must have the right to change their mind.

I have never said DP can't change his mind. I just feel it was a cruel time to bring it up and I was just wondering how other people would deal with this alongside not wanting any arguments and pregnancy hormones etc.

@Beesandfrogsandfleas I haven't had much of a chance yet but I don't think there's much point in having a huge discussion about it now as this baby hasn't even been born yet. I just want to get the birth out of the way and know that this baby is okay before we start having in depth discussions about how many more children we want.

Shakensally as much as he has decided that he wants no more DC you can tell him you want more than one....simple as that. Dont let him upset your final few weeks of pregnancy. I would be having a fairly fierce conversation with him after his little announcement and telling him your very angry and you will be having more than one DC with him or without him

@ledzepplintooasiseclectic I can't beat the thought of being that blunt with him just before our first DC is about to be born. Wouldn't that be just as cruel? He told me at a bad time, but he was gentle about it. I think I'm just going to have to leave it for now and revisit after baby is born.

Bear

I don't agree that you should get angry with him! You of course have the right to end the relationship if you want to but someone deciding they don't want another DC shouldn't be told off. It's a perfectly valid decision.

@Redgreencoverplant I'm not even considering leaving him though. We haven't even discussed it properly and this baby hasn't been born yet. I don't know how I feel and how I will feel after the birth. I would be crazy to leave him now after he's made one comment. I think I'm just confused as the idea I had in my head re what I thought he wanted and how I thought our family might looked stands to drastically change. It takes some adjusting.

I really do sympathise Sally, your feelings must be all over the place and I feel for you. I just dislike some of the comments other posters are making.

I have had to adjust my idea of how our family would be and that was my choice but it is still hard so I really do sympathise!

Thanks @Redgreencoverplant - it's a bit of a head fuck I must admit!