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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very Exasperated Step mum

34 replies

Teacup2018 · 30/09/2018 17:07

I thought it would make things better for us as a blended family by using my Mothers inheritance to buy a home for DP my 2DS and 2SS. I also used maintenance from ExH to fund 1SS private schooling so all our children had equal schooling. We still have to be frugal to get by but we were prepared to sacrifice things.
DP kept own house and rent to fund income imbalance too.

1st DS and 1st SS at uni own finance arrangements but 2nd SS, wants to stay at home for hid local university.

Financially we compromised on free rent and domestic bills and SS would pick up own food bills and travel costs. I will still do clothes washing and SS will help with dishwasher.

DP has avoided mentioning our agreement with his DS that was due to start this weekend as he doesn't feel comfortable with it !

Thinks I am being petty. I feel so hurt and unappreciated. That nothing will change for the next 3 yrs and I will have to help fund his food too.
SS 19yrs has still not taken steps to find a job despite several leads I have passed on.

How can I tackle this without DP silent treatment or him needing time to think... DH will wait long enough until problem is forgotten or I give up. Or will comment that I am always right and wont let up and not interested in his view point.
I just ask further questions to gain his understanding/ rational which he doesn't like.

Drinking wine on a Sunday isn't giving me any further clarity.

OP posts:
Thehop · 30/09/2018 17:09

It honestly sounds like you’re being taken advantage of!

LemonSqueezy0 · 30/09/2018 17:15

Bite the bullet and tell him your ideas. He can always say no thanks, I can get a much better deal by moving out.

You should speak to your DP today, and ask why he is so reluctant, as his (now adult) DC have very much benefitted from your largesse so Far. Don't start to resent it as this could change the dynamic of your relationships.

needsahouseboy · 30/09/2018 17:18

I think you have mug written across your forehead tbh! It doesn't sound like you get anything out of this arrangement at all!

I'd be telling him to sort his shit out and his son or leave.

Original poster
Teacup2018 · 30/09/2018 17:26

Thanks, I probably was looking for a bit of validation.

Been in the relationship for 9 yrs. My 2DS has 3 more yrs at school and has a good relationship with DP. I really hope to work things out I just don't know how.

Like most blended families you weather the storm... but I think it is a communication issue and it is getting worse.

DP has had some health issues last 3 yrs so I guess he is more tired than normal.

When we don't have kids issues we have a great time.
However this issue is a big sticking point for me now.

OP posts:
itsbritneybiatches · 30/09/2018 17:31

Hard being stuck in the middle.

I have a Ss20 who I am honestly at the end of my rope with.

It had caused a few rows recently and I feel like saying if you don't like our rules then rent s room somewhere.

I'm hoping he will come to that decision himself after Christmas.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2018 17:32

Well silent treatment sounds like you’ve got 3 teens in the house, not two. That’s horrible behaviour.

He’s taking what he can get for him and his kids and yours are missing out by you supporting his. He has no right to shut you down it ignore you when you want to discuss how your household operates and you have every right to expect all of the adults in your home to pitch in or get out.

I’m confused by you needing him to discuss it with his son. You all live together, it’s a family matter, they’re not paying guests. They’re costing you money and you get a say!

My DSC are primary age and we discuss chores and house rules all together. I pay half the costs of housing us all, we’re all equal members of our household and while I don’t dictate anything but we talk about things all together and I wouldn’t be happy at all to be made to feel I have no right to an equal involvement in decisions.

Charliecatpaws · 30/09/2018 17:37

Does your ex know that he has fund3d another child’s private education? Bizarre situation, that money was paid to raise your children

fc301 · 30/09/2018 17:44

Yep I'm agog at that too!

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2018 17:48

^ fair points. Do your children know?

Original poster
Teacup2018 · 30/09/2018 17:50

Charliecatpaws / fc301... I get where you are coming from. I did question it but felt a better home life style for all DC was better than extra gadgets or fancy clothes.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 17:50

Theyre all taking advantage of you. What us your dp uncomfortable with exactly?

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 17:50

Wait so is SS getting a student loan? What will it cover?

I don't think it's that unusual for a child to live with their parents rent free while in university. Lots of parents would also let them continue living at home as normal (e.g. sharing family meals). I personally think it's better for them to start taking responsibility at this age so they should contribute financially and should certainly contribute to household tasks (he should have already been helping around the house).

I would be direct if you've agreed with DH then enforce that agreement.

SuchAToDo · 30/09/2018 17:57

Op are you married to your partner?..if you aren't then you have been extremely generous to his sons,

Of course you should discuss with dss any agreements including food bills...if you don't then you will end up paying for that too...start as you mean to go on..

Honestly though it sounds like you have been taken advantage of..

Original poster
Teacup2018 · 30/09/2018 18:20

Arrgh I raised it, heated exchanges and argument. He views other sons choice to leave home for Uni as different to the son that chose to stay home.

He said he has no choice to go ahead with my plans or move out.... I just want him to see the compromise.

Ended with him walking out and agreeing I should call the solicitors to separate, not married but house tenants in common..... I think we are being heated and over dramatic, its not what I want, I want just some reciprocity.

How can things be nearly so good in a relationship and one thing sets them out of kilter.

OP posts:
SuchAToDo · 30/09/2018 18:36

Op that is very telling...if your partner doesn't get his way his first reaction is to want to call solicitors to split...doesn't that tell you something?.he is ok while you are providing the money for his kids as doing what he wants, but if you stop the money or you want a say in it then he's prepared to leave you...I would think very hard about it op

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 18:59

Things have been good because youve provided £££ and done as youve been told. Now you're (quite rightly) not doing that hes not interested.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2018 19:03

Tell me you're tenants in common on his house too?

7yo7yo · 30/09/2018 19:04

Your poor kids. Using their money to fund your “step” kids.
If I was your ex I’d be very pissed of if I found out. And that money could have been put to your kids.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 19:04

DH sounds very manipulative. He agrees to certain terms then just ignores the agreement. When you bring it up he throws his toys out of the pram and plays the poor victim "oh we'll just break up then".

Tohaveandtohold · 30/09/2018 19:18

Can’t you see what he’s doing? This has to stop, they’re just taking advantage

Allthewaves · 30/09/2018 19:30

Does your dp not contribute financially to the household. Tbh if I had a child who stayed at home for uni there is no way I'd charge them for rent or food. I would expect them to lend hand with house work, cover their own travel, clothes and phone etc. Perhaps your dp feels embarrassed about telling his son he has to pay for food in his own home

Maelstrop · 30/09/2018 19:35

So you’re tenants in common on the house that YOU bought? So he has equal rights to it? I think that’s very unfortunate.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 30/09/2018 19:42

Have I read this right - he’d rather split up than get his adult son to cover his own food and travel and sometimes empty the dishwasher?!

What a cunt. I hope you’ll benefit from his house like he’ll benefit from yours.

Original poster
Teacup2018 · 30/09/2018 19:56

Thanks for all messages. Have calmly discussed it and is his pride at having had me pay for stuff.

He isn't a money grabber, I do trust him and will rely on his good pension.... if we get to old age!!

As previous message states, it does feel mean charging your own son for food..... but he doesn't see my point, however he has agreed because it is important to me. It is too hard to pin SS down to carrying out chores.

It was me that threatened solicitors but he doesn't want things to continue as they were and he finds it difficult being criticised.

Hopefully we can move forward. My DM always said you should never argue over money, which is why I took the actions I did in the past with making things equal for all.

If I trust him with my life, I should trust him with the house.

My Ex has paid up but not shouldered much responsibility.
I don't think dividing the money, has harmed my kids... it has stopped them being spoiled and to appreciate the value of money... they have still had a good life so far.

I do feel much better than when I started this thread.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 20:11

So now hes playing nice again because hes going to lose all his cash.