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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Awful friend but... [Edited by MNHQ]

29 replies

PlinkPlink · 30/09/2018 16:58

I'm tearing myself apart on this one and really need some outside perspective here. Bear with me though as it's a bit long...

My best mate and I no longer speak. In short, she's recently been a terrible friend and even worse, is in a relationship with a convicted sex offender.

Best mates since school. Like literal soul mates. But when she got divorced she changed. Me and some of her other friends helped her out so much but she just used us. Put her new dates first. Ignored us when she saw us when on dates. We got sick of her taking the piss basically.

Then she found out this bloke was a sex offender. She got pregnant. She dumped that bomb shell on me and left. She rang me in tears because she didn't know if SS would take baby away. I did loads of research for her and rang MARU to get some advice. Rang her back to reassure her and she cut me off mid phone call because he was walking through the door. I was so angry!

That is what she does. Uses you and then discards you.
She hasn't always been like that though.

I hate what she's become but there's still a part of me that really misses that best mate. I've never had a friendship like it since. And now I have my own little one, I find myself missing my friend so much. We should have been sharing this fun time together like we always said we would.

AIBU? To miss her? Should I try and move on? Any advice how?

I couldn't ever be near her partner or let my LO anywhere near him.

Greatly welcome opinions on this. Well done for reading this far 😉

OP posts:
mummymeister · 30/09/2018 17:01

Everything has a shelf life and this friendship has reached its. stop wasting any more time and just move on. you cant be friends with her, not proper friends if she is with someone with a criminal record in relation to children. so cut your losses now and spend your time and energies on building up after friendships.

you will be upset, you are mourning for what you lost after all but honestly its time to call time.

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 30/09/2018 17:01

Well if he is a convicted sex offender you need to let SS know if they don't already.

Horrible thread title though.

Bombardier25966 · 30/09/2018 17:03

Your thread title is deliberately provocative and uncalled for.

The term sex offender covers a multitude of offences. Do you know what he has done?

Owllwo · 30/09/2018 17:06

Your title doesn’t make you sound like a very good friend.

DaisyDreaming · 30/09/2018 17:06

If she asked for help and advice and then hung up when he walked in, is it she uses you or was she in need of help and scared of getting caught? You do need to report to SS/NSPCC either way

RebelRogue · 30/09/2018 17:09

What has he actually done?

Yourenotericlove · 30/09/2018 17:14

That title will get this deleted thankfully.

MrsStrowman · 30/09/2018 17:19

So she cut you off because he walked in, do you not understand why she may have done this? She's gotten herself into a mess, she needs support and help, not judgement

cantfindamoniker · 30/09/2018 17:20

She sounds like she might be worried about him hearing your phone conversation. Maybe he has a temper? Maybe when she was out with him she knew that if she spoke with her mates they'd be an argument from him or worse when they got home.. Sounds like she phoned you because she still wants your friendship and trusts you. Did she know about his past? Was she already pregnant when she found out? What a hideous situation for her. Does she want to leave him? Did she have a chance to tell you?

Hidillyho · 30/09/2018 17:25

What has he done? I’m not defending anyone but you can be on the sex offenders register from bum pinching (although less likely for bum pinching) all the way to rape.
You have said he is a sex offender but your title suggests this was a thread about a pedophile. I think the crime would determine if her child would get taken away.

Anyway, it is possible to have a friendship without having to be around her partner. I think if your friend is about to have a child with a criminal (and maybe have her child taken off her) then she’ll need a friend. Maybe decide if you want to cut her out forever or just while she’s with this guy

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 30/09/2018 17:26

Hi folks,

We've received a lot of reports about the upset that the title of this thread is causing. We're going to take it down whilst we have a proper look.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 30/09/2018 18:02

Hi all,

We've spoken to the OP off the boards and have edited the title now.
Flowers

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/09/2018 18:11
  1. Is she still with him? If she is please call ss.... They have a legal duty to investigate.
  1. Please tell her you miss her. She's probably feeling very alone... Shit decision but she probably needs decent pals
SpottingTheZebras · 30/09/2018 18:15

I think you miss the person and friend that she was but she is not that person anymore and won’t be again, so even if you do contact her it will not be what it once was.

Ithinkthatsenough · 30/09/2018 18:18

Why are you angry with her? She phoned you for help and had to put the phone down as he was coming through the door, surely an indication that she wants help and has to hide her concerns from him?
I dont get it?

Havaina · 30/09/2018 18:34

I don't know what the original thread title was, but I think PlinkPlink's posts are great, so I'm guessing it wasn't intentionally provocative.

Plink, you want to be friends with the person she used to be, not who who she is now. Concentrate on making new friends and let her go. Flowers

Original poster
PlinkPlink · 30/09/2018 18:38

Apologies for the title... not my best moment there.

Please do not worry about SS. That has all been dealt with. I was a teacher at the time she reported it. She knew he was a sexual offender before she was pregnant. He has a probation officer... he had to tell them about the baby so consequently SS was informed. They kept them separate for a while whilst they did assessments but ultimately decided it was okay.

Before she got pregnant, he came down to mine, told me at 4am in the morning about his past and then left me early in the morning to go and meet him. Despite knowing this about him.

Without revealing too much, he was jailed for 7 years and will be on the sex offenders register for life.

When she rang she was very upset. I'd gotten upset for her. Awful situation to be in. But she didn't text me or message me after to say 'Sorry... I had to cut it off because I didn't really want him to hear.'
She just left me to worry and not know how she was.

After all the stuff she'd done... I'm quite an empathetic person and I was genuinely upset and concerned for her... as I had been all the numerous times before when she'd been through difficult times. I was going through my own anxiety and depression at the time, and it felt like such an insult to dump her problems on me and then leave.

OP posts:
spidey66 · 30/09/2018 18:45

MARU? Do you mean MARAC?

Original poster
PlinkPlink · 30/09/2018 18:47

Thank you Havaina... not my best moment, as I said, with the title.

But the title it was does describe his crimes.

He wasn't abusive. But she could have let me know via a quick text she was ok!

I didnt want to drip feed but i couldnt fit this all in the first post.
Previous things include:

She divorced from her husband. I drove 2 hours to get to her, support her, sort her finances out as she left them to him.
Didn't hear from her for months after that.

Met up with her, she was dating. She fell out with us all because we were concerned she was meeting new people in strange places. Abandoned airfields etc.

She came down for my wedding dress fitting. Asked my mum to pay for her fuel down, mum paid for our lunch and then she asked for fuel money back too!! Never paid my mum back.

She only came to mine once... that was for my hen do. She told me about his past. I was really worried for her. Then at 8am in the morning left me to go camping with him. Even though she knew his past.

Let her sister's kids be around him when she hadn't informed her family of his past (her and her family were all adopted). I rectified that situation.

I left my ex of 10 years, I was sexually assaulted and not once... not ONCE... Did she come and see me or ring me to see if I was OK.

Last straw was that phone call where she just cut it off...

OP posts:
Original poster
PlinkPlink · 30/09/2018 18:51

@spidey66

No MARU. I knew them through teaching.

Multi Agency Referral Unit.

We were always encouraged to ring them if we saw anything or heard anything outside of school in regards to safeguarding issues.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 30/09/2018 18:52

You can either take the view that the friendship has run its course and she's changed or, not actively pursue the friendship but let her know you'll be there if she comes to her senses. As he's done 7yrs & is on the register for life it's obviously really serious. I'm wondering her motivation for staying. Have you asked her why? (if they split he can have supervised contact if its all about the child).

Original poster
PlinkPlink · 30/09/2018 19:12

Because she loves him. That's what she said. I asked if she wanted to leave him. She said no.

It was very serious. His original sentence was 14 I think as she said he got out early on good behaviour.

OP posts:
redexpat · 30/09/2018 19:41

The hanging up on you as he showed up sounds as if she is being abused and didnt want to be caught talking to you. She has isolated herself from her friends which will make leaving him harder. I appreciate its really really frustrating but I think you need to recategorize your friendship in your head from soulmate to aquaintance who makes decisions I dont approve of and may need ny help to leave an abusive relationship.

greendale17 · 30/09/2018 19:45

From your update OP, I wouldn’t want a friend like that. She takes the piss and uses you.

Also what kind of a woman continues to have a relationship and then get pregnant with a sex offender who was in jail for 7 years and will be on the register for life?

Original poster
PlinkPlink · 30/09/2018 21:17

So should I message her... saying I'm there for her if she needs me? Things can resume as normal if she's not with him but until then it's not really something I'm willing to be part of?

OP posts:
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