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AIBU?

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Original poster

When is it an aceeptable point to stop contact?

29 replies

3boysonemum1972 · 30/09/2018 15:58

My son sees his dad every other weekend, we had agreed on rules, boundaries and consequences and consistency to be followed in both households.
Our son has attachment disorder and he needs consistency, routine, etc to help him cope. For the last few months he's been coming home fully wired and when asked why he says he's been on games (electronics which we agreed on 1 or 2 hours a day) when I asked his dad more he said electronics day and until he falls asleep otherwise he's hard work (!!) He doesn't clean his teeth, wash, bathe, eat real meals, he just snacks... its getting to the point where I work really hard for 11 days and just as I make progress he undoes all my work... and then the hygiene and lack of proper diet... I'm becoming increasingly concerned about our son. No amount of talking to his dad has any effect at all... it seems he wants an easy life to the detriment of our son... what can I do? I have considered stopping contact but I don't think it would benefit our son long term although short term it may, I am beginning to feel he uses the electronics as a babysitter and is actually neglecting our son but would appreciate advice/views of others thanks

OP posts:
MaryBoBary · 30/09/2018 16:14

How old is your son? Old enough to take some of the responsibility for his actions and behaviour? You cant stop his Dad from seeing him because he parents differently to you. His Dad is not doing anything neglectful. You either need to carry on as you are or get your son to buck his ideas up - depending on his age.

MaryBoBary · 30/09/2018 16:15

But I sympathise and understand this must be incredibly frustrating for you.

Seniorschoolmum · 30/09/2018 16:15

Unfortunately, that’s pretty common and there isn’t much you can do about it unless you can prove your ex is harming your child through his approach to child care.
My answer has been to let ex and dc use my sitting room, where at least I can make sure they have access to reasonable food, and not stay over night so I can ensure dc clean teeth, bathe, turn off electronics as soon as ex goes home etc.
It’s a complete pain but better than the alternative. Would your ex go for that? Could you put up with it?

Original poster
3boysonemum1972 · 30/09/2018 16:22

He's just 7

OP posts:
Original poster
3boysonemum1972 · 30/09/2018 16:25

He sees him on a Tuesday evening for 1 hour at my home , I encourage a trip to the park or a bike ride if not then board games, lego etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
3boysonemum1972 · 30/09/2018 16:27

I think my frustration is that we used to be so I cable and supportive of each other but suddenly it's all changed... and the impact that has on our son's attachment disorder is awful to watch

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 30/09/2018 16:29

It is never acceptable as a parent of a child to stop the child having contact with the other parent unless you can prove to a court they that parent is abusive.

You need to leave it up to the child to decide they don't want as much, specific or any contact with the other parent when they are old enough to make the decision, otherwise the child will blame you when they are old enough for ruining their relationship with their other parent.

You cannot control what the other parent does in their time with your (plural) child. The only things you can do is get official help for your child's problems and convince the other parent to buy in. Even then you cannot force the other parent to behave in the responsible manner as the professionals tell them to in their contact time.

I'm speaking as someone who has to help deal with a child who isn't being parented properly by one of their separated parents.

CantankerousCamel · 30/09/2018 16:29

He only sees him for 1 hour on a Tuesday? Surely that isn’t enough time to mess up a routine?

billybagpuss · 30/09/2018 16:32

If he can't cope will he agree to reduce, or alter the terms of the contact?

newhousenewstart · 30/09/2018 16:37

Hope I'm not jumping to the wrong conclusion but assume your ds is adopted? If so I'm
Imagining this breakdown of his parents relationship must feel horrendous to him. I'm sure you'll know all there is to know about attachment disorder as will your ex. Can you sit down with ex and have a really frank discussion about boundaries

ffsfamilyishard · 30/09/2018 16:40

Similar situation. At the point of handing DS over to a psychologist to ask them to tell me what's right as I've no idea anymore what's best Thanksmums always seem to get the toughest decisions and hardest jobs when dads leave

Original poster
3boysonemum1972 · 30/09/2018 16:40

He sees him every Tuesday for one hour and every other weekend from Friday to Sunday afternoon

OP posts:
Original poster
3boysonemum1972 · 30/09/2018 16:42

He's not adopted, he developed attachment disorder after his dad refused to bring him home for 6 weeks at the age of 5

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HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 16:42

Does your ex actually want contact if he's just dumping your son onto computers? Could you suggest making the weekend a shorter burst (just the day on Saturday)?

Original poster
3boysonemum1972 · 30/09/2018 16:44

Ffsfamilyishard I hear you🌹

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Original poster
3boysonemum1972 · 30/09/2018 16:46

I don't think it's fair to reduce the amount of time he has contact with him... given the chance our son would live with him but his dad refuses

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newhousenewstart · 30/09/2018 16:54

He's not adopted, he developed attachment disorder after his dad refused to bring him home for 6 weeks at the age of 5
Gosh really? Not doubting you just very surprised

MaryBoBary · 30/09/2018 17:16

OP why did you let your ex continue having contact after not returning him? At that point I would have made sure he only had supervised contact. Did that happen?

Original poster
3boysonemum1972 · 30/09/2018 17:37

Because he had supervised contact for a year and everyone deserves a second chance? Plus much as it might appear I want to stop contact I don't. .. I just need a solution or a way to reach a compromise that works primarily for our son but secondly for my ex and myself

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MaryBoBary · 30/09/2018 19:18

Ok, just wanted to understand the background.

YouAreMyRain · 30/09/2018 19:22

Does he have a diagnosis of attachment disorder? If he'd been adequate patented up to the age of five then it's unlikely that six weeks separation would cause AD, separation anxiety maybe but that's not the same as AD

YouAreMyRain · 30/09/2018 19:22

*parented

SeaToSki · 30/09/2018 19:26

I would suggest more frequent but shorter visits, can he take ds to an after school activity once a week and another one every Saturday morning? If there is a structured activity in place ex might be able to cope better and not resort to electronics. If there needs to be an overnight maybe ds could be picked up late afternoon woth a plan to go to a fast food place for dinner, then movie night, coming home after breakfast the next morning. Could he have a laminated checklist with clean teeth, wash hands, bed time 9pm to help him with his routine while he is at ex's house

newhousenewstart · 30/09/2018 19:32

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Thatssomebadhatharry · 30/09/2018 19:38

I’m also confused about the diagnosis as I believed it was abused and neglected children that get it or those separated from their parents as babies. You said he would want to live with his dad given the chance so wouldn’t the six weeks not have been that traumatic. Sorry I don’t mean to doubt you just trying to understand.