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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't shout 'just be normal!' At a four year old

48 replies

ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:14

Settle something for me. Me and DH have different parenting styles and I'm trying to find some middle ground to make things more consistent for our kids. I annoy him in that I think I just find it a bit easier just to enjoy the kids company, I am reasonably patient, and laid back and try to use distraction/pick my battles. I do use discipline and do do time out/telling off when I feel a boundary has been crossed but I think we maybe draw the lines in different places? I don't always make him bad cop, but he's likely to step in quicker than me and use words I probably wouldn't use. I see him as a bit of a buzz kill with the kids sometimes..think I type cast him.in my head into Victor meldrew which probably isn't helpful. We've had a nice but hectic week and currently on a family weekend away. There's been the usual less sleep, more treats which are always a recipe for stirling behaviour from kids. Last night we got to around six and our four year old was happy but hyper singing songs about poo, including the classic 'let's go fly a poo up to the highest loo'. Her and cousins giggling together...no one was trying to go to sleep or read or anything so I let them get on with it while warming their drinks thinking once these are dome they'll be drinking them and stop. Husband lost it 'DC why can't you just be quiet for 30 seconds!!!!' ' Pea can you male her be quiet!!!!!' 'For once in your life just be NORMAL!!!!' In a pretty cold Disney villain kind of way. AIBU to think 4 year olds font know how to be normal? And that itd be pretty boring if they were....and that poo is quite funny..

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Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:16

Sorry for the awful spelling and typos!

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Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:16

And punctuation 🙈

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Ullupullu · 30/09/2018 07:19

I'd be bothered by the "can you make her be quiet" comment as it defers to you and doesn't show a united front. sends a weird message to the child a about your dynamic, doesn't look healthy.

Did you explain already to him that you were fine with them singing until drinks were ready, as they would quieten down then? Might it be a good idea to both be equally involved in parenting by talking to each other about these decisions.

Hideandgo · 30/09/2018 07:19

He’s stressed and kids can really get on your wick with the relentlessness of their singing and silliness. Just because you’re lucky enough to not find it maddening doesn’t mean he’s wrong to. He could do with learning how to extract himself better when it’s really getting to him. Can you talk to him about it? Does he feel bad once he calms down?

lornathewizzard · 30/09/2018 07:28

Yeah I'd feel bad about saying that if it was me. But the constant noise and poop talk is pretty infuriating.

Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:31

Hi, thanks both. I completely agree that we need to present a more united front/healthy dynamic. I didn't anticipate his outburst this time but in the future yeah I think mentioning to him about the drinks or letting him know what I'm thinking would be a good strategy. I've tried talking about it quite a bit with him..but we haven't really got anywhere. His perspective on it is hugely different to mine. He sees me as a massive panderer I think. I don't think he feels bad about it because nothing changes. I'd like to enjoy parenting together more.

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Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:33

I don't feel any of it is constant? But for him maybe it's like a mosquito buzzing? I'm lucky that it isn't what pushes my buttons...and I know he can't choose what he feels that way about. Its tricky. I guess I want to be more consistent but more consistently my way...which isn't compromising enough.

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mangowango · 30/09/2018 07:35

Isn't a four year old finding poo funny normal? It is in my house.

Ullupullu · 30/09/2018 07:36

If you'd like to enjoy parenting together, then you need to communicate with him. It sounds like you are admitting in this case he had no idea you were letting them get it out of their system as they'd stop when the drinks were ready. He just saw you smiling along doing nothing. Then he felt the need to intervene. If you'd been chatting together about the situation you could have agreed your approach.

BarbarianMum · 30/09/2018 07:39

Oh God, ds2 excels in singing rubbish like that. Really, really gets on my wick. Find it intensely irritating, esp when Im tired and Im sure Ive shouted at him to stop on many occasions. Assume he's not too scarred by it as he still keeps doing it.

Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:39

Mangowango my thoughts exactly. 😂

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Booboostwo · 30/09/2018 07:40

He had unreasonable outburst. If he was annoyed by DD he should have asked her to stop and then given a warning with consequences if she did not stop, he should not have shouted. He should not have turned this on you, and in general he sounds sensitive as the poo song is very funny, but I don’t know the wider circumstances, e.g. some people are more sensitive to noise than others.

How does he feel about it? Does he recognize he made (several) mistakes? Is he apologetic? If yes, then it was a mistake, we all lose the plot from time to time. If he thinks he was in the right he needs to rethink his approach.

Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:41

Yeah ullupu..I will try communicating more definitely.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2018 07:43

I think this is a case of talk more so he / everyone reacts less. He sounds very stressed and his reaction sounds scary to little kids, were they upset?

You do also need to communicate with the children more about what is and isn’t acceptable. We had a lot of chats about inside voices and outside voices when dd was little and a rule about no poo talk at the table. Dd wasn’t into talking about it loads. It was a friend of hers.

Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:44

He thinks his approach is justified and it's normal to shout things like this at your kids, hence me asking mumsnet jury to see what you guys felt.

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Quartz2208 · 30/09/2018 07:48

Yep his view of normal is out of whack. She sounds a typical 4 year old. He sounds unpleasant

0hCrepe · 30/09/2018 07:48

It’s not good and I’m sure he knows that really but it’s also true, people do shout stuff like that at their kids. And she was being very normal for a 4 year old! He just lost his temper and was trying to normalise it.

Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:50

Realise im drip feeding sorry...The thing is when he's happy and in a jokey mood he will invent poo songs for her...I think it's hard for her to know when it'll be ok to laugh about poo and when it won't be. No poo at the table is a good boundary on so many levels. She loves to get a smile or a laugh out of people and poo is an easy win when your 4.

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Quartz2208 · 30/09/2018 07:50

Just realised he said that in front of cousins as well on holiday at 6pm in the evening. How did the other adults react

Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:51

Totally get that we all loose it sometimes. Wish he did a bit less...but maybe that's where the more communication will help.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2018 07:51

Well his approach isn’t justified. Would he think a bear roaring in his face and making him petrified he is about to be hurt or worse justified? Every now and then and a sincere apology that he will do better I’d upsetting enough. Even this will have a lasting negative impression. Regularly, adult on child bullying. Either way your dd going to have far more difficulty regulating her emotions as she gets older than a child with calm parenting.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 30/09/2018 07:52

I wouldn't worry too much, as long as he's not saying it all the time. Your DD won't be harmed by learning that adults don't find poo songs and annoying behaviour to be charming or impressive.

I'm not sure why they should have been trying to go to sleep or reading at 6pm?

ScottishInSwitzerland · 30/09/2018 07:52

I quite often say in exasperation to my six year old “can you just behave like a six years old and not a naughty two year old”. Which isn’t so different.
I think maybe you have other issues connected to the difference in parenting and maybe focusing solely on those words is unhelpful.

Quartz2208 · 30/09/2018 07:52

Oh he is one of those dads who switches and leaves the poor child completely in the dark as to what is appropriate and not based on their moods

It’s a horrible father to have

Original poster
ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:52

Other adults ignored it...think SIL was probably in agreement. Not sure the others were in earshot.

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